If you’ve never been around it, the Peach Bowl is a surprisingly well-run, together, and pleasant bowl experience, even if your team fails to show up for the game under an interim coach. (The Chik-Fil-A snack trays peppering the place don’t hurt anything save your life expectancy, either.) The news that Atlanta’s seeking a second bowl game is nothing but good news, if only because it gives us an excuse to shoehorn in our list of local dream sponsors for the game, which we’ll hypothetically call “The Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes Memorial” for no reason in particular.

Dream sponsors:

1. The Cheetah. Also known as the Spring Street ballet, the local strip-mall of choice for the majority of 404ers turns into a diabolical bear trap for men every Saturday during the fall, taking half the lounge and turning it into multi-screened Thunderdome of football, scantily clad waitresses, fried food, and free-flowing alcohol on tap. Sponsoring the bowl game would allow them to do this to the entire Georgia dome for the Left Eye Bowl, a formidable selling point unless you’re concerned about being “family friendly.” Not selling alcohol must remain the rule, however, since combining the two environments would probably end up looking something like the USO scene in Apocalypse Now minus helicopter rescue.


Probably not a good idea, actually.

2. Jermaine Dupri. It would have to be called the “So So Def” bowl if JD was involved, with JD serving up chicken, waffles, and expensive champagnes to the masses while annoying the hell out of everyone by talking over the whole game in bursts of “everybody just-everybody just bounce” and “so…so…def.” Actually, this is a terrible idea, even if JD steps to the fifty yard line in between each quarter and pulls Janet Jackson’s top off.

Sub Lil Jon and sponsor Crunk Energy Juice for this spot and watch the pimp cups flash in the thick, stanky haze of smoke sure to roll over the field during pregame.

3. Boss Hogg. The white-suited Hazzard county business magnate has been looking for an excuse to flaunt his wealth while promoting his new line of pork-based beauty products, and a bowl game would be an ideal venue for this. Unfortunately, despite halftime entertainment by Travis Tritt, Hogg’s plans would be undermined by the incompetent management of Bowl CEO Rosco P. Coltrane and the meddling of unknown dirt track racing brothers rumored to be white supremacists.


Wanna look pretty, ladies? Boss Hogg’s Pork Loin Lid Lifting Cream is for you!