TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES: STANDBY
We’re having some technical difficulties at the workplace preventing posting. Stay tuned for more hillarity later! In the meantime, think about the bone-crunching action that awaits us all in just over a month.
July 27, 2006
AL GROH’S CHARM SCHOOL
In Ibsen’s Peer Gynt, a man’s soul is compared to an onion: many-layered, but ultimately hollow. (Scandinavians don’t boast the highest suicide rate for nothin’.) We don’t think that’s true of Al Groh. We think his soul’s more like a watermelon, and if you crack it open, there’s a Betamax tape in a plastic bag. And on that tape, if you manage to unearth a functional Betamax VCR, is a five second clip of Groh in a sleeveless sweatshirt looking right into the camera and saying “Get off my fucking lawn, kid” over and over for an hour.
When asked what he thought about a third of his recruiting class failing to qualify, Groh said “I wouldn’t say (the recruiting class) took a hit…I would say it followed plan.” In addition to being postively [NAME REDACTED]-esque, it’s also quantifiably deranged. This either means Groh’s been drinking antifreeze in the garage all summer while watching old reruns of NYPD Blue (you KNOW he loves him some Dennis Franz), or he really just wants you and your meddling reporter ass to get off his fucking lawn and leave him alone. We’d bet on the latter. (HT: Bill.)
Happy Mustache Wednesday, Motherfucker!
ATLANTA TO GET SECOND BOWL GAME? WOOOOOO!!!
If you’ve never been around it, the Peach Bowl is a surprisingly well-run, together, and pleasant bowl experience, even if your team fails to show up for the game under an interim coach. (The Chik-Fil-A snack trays peppering the place don’t hurt anything save your life expectancy, either.) The news that Atlanta’s seeking a second bowl game is nothing but good news, if only because it gives us an excuse to shoehorn in our list of local dream sponsors for the game, which we’ll hypothetically call “The Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes Memorial” for no reason in particular.
Dream sponsors:
1. The Cheetah. Also known as the Spring Street ballet, the local strip-mall of choice for the majority of 404ers turns into a diabolical bear trap for men every Saturday during the fall, taking half the lounge and turning it into multi-screened Thunderdome of football, scantily clad waitresses, fried food, and free-flowing alcohol on tap. Sponsoring the bowl game would allow them to do this to the entire Georgia dome for the Left Eye Bowl, a formidable selling point unless you’re concerned about being “family friendly.” Not selling alcohol must remain the rule, however, since combining the two environments would probably end up looking something like the USO scene in Apocalypse Now minus helicopter rescue.
Probably not a good idea, actually.
2. Jermaine Dupri. It would have to be called the “So So Def” bowl if JD was involved, with JD serving up chicken, waffles, and expensive champagnes to the masses while annoying the hell out of everyone by talking over the whole game in bursts of “everybody just-everybody just bounce” and “so…so…def.” Actually, this is a terrible idea, even if JD steps to the fifty yard line in between each quarter and pulls Janet Jackson’s top off.
Sub Lil Jon and sponsor Crunk Energy Juice for this spot and watch the pimp cups flash in the thick, stanky haze of smoke sure to roll over the field during pregame.
3. Boss Hogg. The white-suited Hazzard county business magnate has been looking for an excuse to flaunt his wealth while promoting his new line of pork-based beauty products, and a bowl game would be an ideal venue for this. Unfortunately, despite halftime entertainment by Travis Tritt, Hogg’s plans would be undermined by the incompetent management of Bowl CEO Rosco P. Coltrane and the meddling of unknown dirt track racing brothers rumored to be white supremacists.
Wanna look pretty, ladies? Boss Hogg’s Pork Loin Lid Lifting Cream is for you!
Loading ...
