Every now and then a series piece comes along and you start feeling the momentum of a whopper, a crushing juggernaut of meme barreling down the street splintering tall buildings, scarring children for life, blocking out the sun with its profile, and causing mayhem wherever it lands. That, dear reader, is what Brian’s series on the Most Loathsome People in Sport is sure to be, if the first piece is any indication of what is to come. To give an example: number 33 is “Lou Holth.” We can’t wait for the rest.

#33 Would be pithd.

Buffalo has a D-1 football program, which you may not have known unless you’re fond of the “baby seal clubbing” game in NCAA 2007–the one where you take, say, Florida (hanging strong at an A) and pit them at home against the football equivalent of a mayfly…like Buffalo, for example. To combat their image problem–having none, that is–they’ve embraced rebranding the mascot you probably didn’t know existed.

This has to beat the old one–whatever, em, that was. This represents improvement despite the bull possessing a septum piercing, which is soooooo 1993 of him. Yet Devil Grad and other Miami Hawk Talkers also couldn’t help but notice a slight similarity to another famous logo:

JoePa, erstwhile zombie and coach of the Penn State Nittany Lions, thinks that Atkins Diet is just a buncha crap. It’s brains you want–and failing that, a little Milano bread will do. Somewhere there’s a television ad featuring Joe shilling for Milano bread, and that we haven’t found it yet is one of life’s little cruelties. In the meantime, Nittany Line’s got photographic evidence that JoePa did indeed at one point stand in a studio, hold a loaf of bread, and ask “What the hell you want me to do now, eh?”

The caption is breathless prose:

“Mama always told us…The greatest Italian names end in ‘O’!”

That’s right. Fuck you and your pussy-ass bomb, Enrico Fermi!

Reason number 601,321 that we can’t wait for football season to start…. the highlight of the weekend TV watching involved this:

We did promise gratuitous photos to make you forget our guest bloggers!  Thank you Miss Universe.

(more…)

Mmm…in the food groups of content, race-baiting columns have got to be up there with circus peanuts for nutritional content. Terence Moore of the AJC’s made a living off selling them, especially to outraged and oddly attentive Georgia fans (see any column involving David Greene and D.J. Shockley for an example.) Our favorite Moore columns include “Why Hasn’t the Kentucky Derby Had a Black Champion?”, “The Hidden Racism of Sumo Wrestling,” and “Peyton Manning is a Teeny-Weenied Cracker Who Couldn’t Hold Mike Vick’s Tremendous Jock.”
Mike Freeman of CBS Sportsline could be accused of taking the same route with his latest piece on Chris Leak and his evolving, ambiguous reputation among Florida fans by quoting a whole lot of anecdotal evidence in his piece accusing Florida fans of letting race dictate their attitudes regarding the former blue-chipper and standard bearer for all that has gone right and wrong with Florida football over the past four years. That is, if he didn’t have a few quotes from Curtis Leak, CL’s father:

“I think the Gator Nation as a whole is behind Chris, but there are some fans who are not. They will never support him because of his skin color.

I also can’t help but think it is difficult for Chris to be a black quarterback in the SEC. You have to be blind to see that is still tough for blacks in general in that conference. The fact you have had only one black head coach in the history of the SEC, which has been around for 100 years, says a lot.”

We honestly can’t think of any fanbase this couldn’t be said of, since there are fans who root for people based on the number of consonants in their nickname. (And they dig players of Slavic descent like you wouldn’t believe.) Doesn’t seem too outrageous a statement to make, though, especially when Leak does play in the SEC, which has a nastier past in the department of race relations than anyone would care to admit.
Yet building a whole column around the idea that Leak is unfairly slammed on message boards (who isn’t?) because he’s black seems forced, especially to someone who’s watched Leak bear the brunt of the blame for the tumult of post-Spurrier Gatordom. Freeman essentially welded together the wacko email he’d get in response to columns with hearsay, a few talk radio calls he half-remembers, and a few mild quotes from Curtis Leak into an indictment of a sliver of the fanbase most fans would agree should be shot from cannons rather than granted access to the stadium. It’s a formula you could install neatly into almost any story involving a black quarterback in any setting:

“I remember when I’d write columns and people would respond with hateful letters calling me a (insert ethnic slur/gag about facial deformity/mocking joke about public and painful divorce.) It always rang true for me because (I worked there/knew a guy/read a book about the place and man, it sounded fucked up.) I’ve heard people say things in the stands to the same effect. (For best results, repeat until satisfied.)”

The funniest thing about the column is how wrong Freeman is about the basic tenet of the article: that a small group of Florida fans hate Chris Leak because he’s black. This couldn’t be further from the truth: a small group of Florida fans hate Chris Leak because he’s Jewish, something Freeman could have known simply by looking at the Swoosh-bedazzled Nike athletic yarmulke Leak wears between plays on the sideline. Holy unobservant journalism!

That’s not the guy Freeman’s talking about–surprise!!!

Lamar Owens Jr., former Navy quarterback on trial for raping a female student, was acquitted on Friday.  Owens was convicted of the lesser charge of conduct unbecoming an officer (which itself could have carried a two year sentence) but the military jury recommended no punishment. 

We’re back from the Redneck Riviera, where we sat on a beach reading the Bourne series by Robert Ludlum and wearing out our IPod while growing some fine tumors in the sun. When they start demanding their own beer…that’s bad, right?

We did see the following:

–A fishing boat worth no more than 750 dollars painted poop brown with a ferocious face painted on the bow and the words “WAR MACKERAL” emblazoned on each side in huge red letters.(Misspelling observed and intentional; that’s the way the guy spelled it.) Bama fans, take note: you have your new mocking name for the Barners in hand.

–A bar band at AJ’s in Destin boasting a 75% jean short compliance rate as well as an impressive 75% mustache/mullet ratio. Despite the temp being somewhere around ninety degrees, they all wore shoes that required socks and worked through a playlist that…well, involved a lot of songs about drinking and sunshine. They’ll be playing the EDSBS tailgate, of course, provided the keyboard guy can get the house arrest anklet off in time for it.

–A sunburned Alabama fan in a white Panama hat–evidently, he looked at the old Panama Jack logo when packing for wardrobe guidance–who blew our minds when he got up for karaoke and bypassed the exit ramps of “Sweet Home Alabama” and “You Never Even Called Me By My Name” to sing…”Sex and Candy” by Marcy Playground. He rocked it, too.

–A very attractive blond woman with a dress painted on shaking her ass at 331 much to the disappointment of her beer-bloated husband, who kept trying to intervene in between daring anyone around him to look at her and die. This went on for about an hour of spectacular viewing before the husband shifted into “potential abuser” mode and escorted her out of the club, presumably to get “first husband” tattooed on his forehead. Free entertainment abounded on the Redneck Riviera.

–It’s good to be back. Month and change to footbaw, goddamn. A huge round of thanks to Paul, Peter, SMQ, and Stranko for keeping the wire warm the whole time with quality content, even if Paul did post pictures of Lindsay Scott to properly play the part of Dawg Heel. [NAME REDACTED] still has your ass if you want it back anytime soon, which is about as bad a thing as we can think to say about any team. Good to be back.

2-1 versus the Dawgs. Redact that.