In our ongoing review of the college season, we present the games you’ll be watching in the second week of the season. In case you’ve forgotten, it’s the time of the year where hope has already begun its linear progression downward for a handful of teams, the polls have barely budged from their preseason order, and you’re still wearing pants after 5 p.m.

WEEK TWO: SEPT 7-10

The Thursday Night WAC/PAC Der Pointsfestmaker: Oregon State at Boise State. Thursday, September 7th, 7:30 p.m.

Could also qualify as the Marital Stress Game, since it will involve two teams you likely do not care about on a weeknight when you could be purchasing towels or hanging out with a non-threatening, professional, and completely boring couple. With Mike Riley perfecting the 5-7 season, it’s easy to pull for Boise here, especially with a new coach coming in to replace noted mystic/parenting therapist/joke-metal guitarist Dan Hawkins. But being just a simple caveman, confused by your multiple formations, shifts, and offensive sophistication, we’re just as likely to leap up and down in front of the television set screaming and throwing our own poop on the walls at the sight of all those points on the board.

All those points and complex plays will confuse our puny brain.

Okay, Now We’re Seriously Calling Tamela Adkins the Billboard Lawyer Advertising The 500 Dollar Divorce Game: Pittsburgh at Cincinnati. Friday, September 8th, 8:00 p.m.

We’re totally liveblogging this game! No, we’re not. The Wannstache boldly steps into year two of ruining Tyler Palko’s draft status in this matchup with the Bearcats, who could easily stun the Panthers as Ohio did last year. Cincinnati’s offense ranked last in the Big East last year, which is easily comparable to being called “the nastiest public toilet in Chengdu.” Pitt played matador defense most of the season, though, so as with all things Wannstache, a loss or victory could happen in any fashion at any time. Which leads us to our next theory: the Wannstache as random number generator. We need graphs to verify this, however.

The Miss Cleo Sees A Loss For Your Sorry Ass Game: Illinois at Rutgers. September 9th, 12:00 p.m.

Caller from Illinois, we see you getting out to an early lead. One off a series of decent offensive plays, or perhaps a turnover; or even a series of improbable events that may, for a fleeting instant, make you think that fortune is smiling its beaming grin on you. Then, without effort, fortune’s beaming teeth will part and sink their dull edges into the tender flesh of your ass. Your defense will inexplicably go into a soft zone for the final twenty minutes of the game, allowing Rutgers to carve large hunks of the field up on their way to painful, inevitable scores. Irrational two-point conversion attempts and strategy flubs will follow, and a man with the appearance of a shocked and mentally challenged Buzz Lightyear will pace your sidelines with what appears to be a Chinese take-out menu stuffed into the back of his pants. And after you lose, you will be told that this is “improvement.”

Looking forward to more improvement.

BRAINS! MORE BRAINS! Game of the Week: Penn State vs. Notre Dame. Sept. 9th, 3:30 p.m.

Everyone’s favorite undead coach faces the Irish at home, whose already intimidating home advantage will no doubt find a significant boost from enthusiastic and unskilled dancefests in the tailgating area pregame. (The first person to send us video of a Notre Damer at a tailgate performing–er, attempting to perform the Tootsie Roll, you may have our left kidney in payment.) Galen Hall put in massive man-hours last year as an old dog retricking the Penn State offense to suit Michael Robinson’s skills; this year’s crib sheet and pupil are the Indianapolis Colts offense and Anthony Morelli, the incoming qb who Hall will attempt to plug into the Peyton Manning role. Look for beaucoup de two tight end sets, play-fakes, and Morelli flapping his hands meaninglessly, along with a Manning-esque finish to the game as they lose on the road to Weis and the hotsteppers.

Dancing will be required in celebration of beating Penn State and zombie Joe.

Imitation of Life Game: Iowa at Syracuse. Sept. 9th, 3:30 The Carrier Dome does odd things to otherwise competent visitors. Yet Syracuse embracing head coach Greg Robinson’s bold, no-offense approach should ensure more excruciating viewing for the damned souls condemned to witness this game. If you watch the Syracuse offense sober, get drunk. If you happen to already be drunk, carry a stick to place between your teeth during the game’s more painful moments. If somehow you watch this game with a stick in your mouth while drunk and tied to a chair, hyperventilate to make yourself pass out. If all of this fails, swallow your tongue.

The Damn Yankees/Damnocracy Ted Nugent Uncompelling Supergroup Matchup Game: Minnesota at Cal. Sept. 9th, 7:oo pm.

Nobody particularly wants to see this. No one will particularly benefit from a loss or a win. And while both coaches certainly flex some skilled mental muscle, personality-wise they’re beige on Haldol. So a game between two relatively genteel coaches and relatively genteel fanbases without a sliver of hope of intense future rivalry presents only the skill of those playing to entertain. Perhaps we’re totally wrong and this game will end with a bar brawl at midfield, in which case Cal would have the upper hand thanks to Steve Levy’s recent practicum in amateur urban combat, but it should be a display of fine football uninterrupted by pesky regional spice or history.

Stop this man before he supergroups again.

The Please God Let Terry Hoeppner Win This One Game: Indiana at Ball State. Sept. 9th, 6:30 p.m.

He’s coaching the Hoosiers. He’s missed two days of work after getting cancer. If his team somehow completely deserts him, flakes out, has multiple out-of-body experiences, and loses to Ball State–which this being Indiana, could happen–he has the legal right to kill them all, curse god, and take a seat on a pile of ashes. That’s Indiana state law, actually. Or at least should be.

***Massive Pair of Coronary-Inducing, Titanic, and Somehow Not Included In the First Draft of this Piece Games: Ohio State at Texas and Georgia at South Carolina. September 9th, 8:00 p.m. and 7:45 p.m.***

Well, you may want to watch these, too. Spurrier vs Georgia= perpetually entertaining, especially with Richt feeling out a new qb and the OBC about to yank his at any moment. Texas will be breaking in new hands under center as well, which leads us to believe the match will favor Ohio State, who despite a retooling defense still has offensive warpspeed in Ted Ginn and a spreadulent attack revolving around Troy Smith. Both of these games will be light-years better than anything preceding this, which reader CHG kindly reminded us of in the comments. We blame creeping senility on this, our 30th birthday.

Although you win nothing but the satisfaction of making others laugh, try your hand at captioning this:

My lame attempt: Billy Latsko’s other summer job.

In reality, it is a picture of traditional Mongolian wrestlers at the Naadam Festival in Ulan Bator.

Yet another reason college football is great… trash talking athletic departments. Click more to see Texas Tech just asking for a whipping by Oklahoma this year.

(HT: Bevo Sports)

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A Fulmer Cup dynasty may be in the works here for whomever wins the dubious prize in the Willie Williams transfer sweepstakes. The once highly touted Williams has asked for his release from his scholarship at the University of Miami. We repeat: Williams has asked for a transfer. Whether this is Miami code for “Williams crashed his Four Runner through the front wall of Larry Coker’s house, took his dog hostage with an automatic carving knife, and screamed until Coker agreed to sign the papers,” we’ll never know, but the lagniappe on this story comes in the name we found in the rumored destinations for Williams:

Tennessee.

Please, please, please cruel and merciless football gods, let this happen. The idea of Williams let loose in Knoxville under the watchful eye of Phil Fulmer boggles the mind for comedic potential. Just sample a hypothetical press conference snippet.

Reporter: Were there any other casualties?

Fulmer: (putting down fried pig’s ear) No, just the seven in the convent. Once the cops tear gassed him the fifth time he came out real nice and polite. We think he’s gonna be a fine young man for this football team.

Reporter: And as for the Applebee’s? The one he burned down with a Zippo and pocket fifth of Gilbey’s gin?

Fulmer: He damaged Applebee’s? Dear God no…(breaks down into tears)We–I will do everything in my power to rebuild that Applebee’s before next week’s two-for-one margarita night. You…have…my…word on it.

Reporter: Would you comment on his future with the team.

Fulmer: He starts Saturday against Cal. Any other questions?

Williams, whose high school record included no less than 11 different arrests, will leave Miami with the blessing of Larry Coker, who said that “Whatever is best for Willie, I will be in favor of.”

Considering the footage we’ve seen of Willie stepping out for an evening on South Beach, we’re not surprised:

What are we expecting? World. War. Three.

We sat on the story yesterday because we thought something like this might be in the works: a tragic jet-ski accident involving two Clemson linemen and a track coach may (watch the verbiage–may, as in possibly–have some boosterish NCAA rules-specific violations attached to it.

Assistant track coach Jarrett Foster died as a result of his injuries on Tuesday following what was undoubtedly a horrific accident on jet-skis owned by a pair of boosters with deep ties to the Clemson athletic program. Since Clemson’s already been tagged once for letting recruits tinker with boosters’ boats in 2001, the incident will likely draw the eye of the NCAA, who evidently has to have someone die in order to actually probe a potential violation at a school with any kind of athletic budget. If a preexisting personal relationship exists, there’s no improper benefit, but we haven’t heard that there was one from anyone besides message board gnomes pulling the “best friend of hairdressers’s third cousin’s Clemson AD’s pet” connection bit.

That’s not to trivialize what happened, which was tragic…yet if the NCAA’s going to be three fingers up Drew Tate’s ass for winning money in a golf tournament, they may want to look at this for just a second. Of course, we fully expect Iowa representative James Leach to ban Jet Skis in response to this incident, provided he can spot one under that dead sexy hat of his.

“No redeeming social value.” Describes much, including this blog.