Hahhvaad, which we’re told is a small private college in Boston, enters the Fulmer Cup Sweepstakes this past weekend. (See the updated board, sans Harvard points, here.) The team captain, senior linebacker Matthew C. Thomas, faces charges of assault and battery domestic abuse and breaking and entering with intent to commit a felony at a campus dorm, all stemming from mixing alcohol with ex-girlfriend.(HT: Bill) See:

The alleged victim told police she went to her room despite receiving a call warning her to stay away because Thomas was there. Police said she discovered Thomas passed out on the floor.

“She woke him to confront him about a relationship that he was involved in with another woman,” the report said. “She stated she poked him and yelling ensued between the two. He then jumped up and began to strike her about the body.”

Don’t poke Harvard! Because they will allegedly choke you, lift you off the ground, and knee you in the stomach, which is what the young woman in question says Thomas did to her. Thomas has been indefinitely suspended from the team, which we’re sure will prompt Dan Shaughnessy’s one and only column of the year on Harvard football where he announces the end of modern civilization as evidenced by the incident which he saw coming a long, long time before anyone else did. And though we’re sure they’re used to getting As–you don’t pay that much to get Cs unless your last name is Kennedy–they will pick up a mere blip of 2 points for assault/drankin’/girlfriend stuff.


Harvard alum Franklin Sherman is so appalled he’s singing.