Brian’s got linkage and thinkage of the mathematical variety today, highlighting Smart Football’s work on offensive balance Warning: gremlins live down that link, and they speak in numbers.
As impressive as the theory is, one has to wonder about something that ends up making Hal Mumme sound smart.
Hal Mumme: never leave without a towel. Or the NCAA hounding your every step.
The official 2006 Florida Gators roster is up and out, which brings us to one of our favorite pastimes of the offseason: seeing who takes craptacular photos. If college football teams serve as a surrogate family for graduates, then why can’t we indulge in the same ribbing that inevitably follows the unearthing of horrid pic with mullet, closed eye leaving you looking like stroke victim, or visible pit stains turning an apparently harmless photo into immortal ego poison for all of eternity.
Before we begin, though, a review of the worst player coach/photo and fatal caption ever, last year’s publicity photo of Michigan strength coach Mike Gittleson:
“I’m a combat veteran!!!”.
This photo appeared in Straight Bangin’ with the best. line. ever., courtesy of Joey:
What is going on with Gittleson in this photo? He looks like Uncle Rico on a bender. This man interacts with people’s kids?! Get it together, man. That’s just embarrassing.
The strain of maintaining all of those Nautilus machines must overwhelm a man. Really, it must, since total overrun of one’s abilities to take proper care of yourself stands as the only explanation of that picture. Either that or Gittleson is in fact a zombie, kept as a scientific curiosity by the Michigan athletic department to moan about the halls and scare the daylights out of unwitting interns.
This year’s highlights include:
1. Reggie Nelson
Children adore him. Puppies wag tails at him. You know you want to be Reggie Nelson, who appears resplendent this year with dreads the modern-day Prince Namor would envy. That is a rule: defenders always look better with dreads, since they waggle on impact.
2. Steve Rissler
(more…)
Georgia Southern wideout Teddy Craft dies in a motorcycle accident Tuesday night in Statesboro, Georgia.
We won’t tell you that riding a motorcycle is a bad idea. But Craft was wearing a helmet, and as someone who’s skid across pavement into the side of a black sedan after laying a bike down, there’s no safe way to do it. None. It’s like playing football with rhinoceroses; if and when you get hit, you will lose to whatever else is out there, and you will lose badly.
Lou Holtz has a new autobiography coming out, and despite this nelly nelly column in Whole Hog Sports bemoaning the release of the new book–who hasn’t filmed a commercial for Jesse Helms?*–we’re still ordering our custom-made author’s copy complete with waterproof pages to spray spittle on sans abandon.
The excerpt from Amazon’s advance copy says it more adequately than we can:
A standout is Holtz’s long-term position at Notre Dame, of special importance not just because of his devout Catholicism but also his refreshing devotion to strict academic standards for the players. In fact, what stands out is his modesty and adamant belief that football is ultimately less important than education.
Stop laughing. Really, stop laughing. Your boss is getting suspicious. No, seriously–this is how people end up getting Baker Acted and put on serious meds. Unless that’s what you’re angling for in the first place, in which case you can just keep rolling on the floor until the paramedics arrive.
Approaching Insane Clown Posse crazy here.
The magic midget’s new bio does contain a lot of juicy new anecdotes you may not have heard in prior autobiographies. Just a few:
–Grew up with John Nash, a fellow West Virginian who totally stole Holtz’s elementary school work on Riemannian manifolds in Euclidian space and never gave Lou credit.
–Composed script for Blue Lagoon, envisioning himself in the role ultimately played by Christopher Atkins. “I just wanted to tell a story of innocence, pure, unviolated innocence,” writes Holtz. “I also wanted to show the world what Lou Holtz looked like in a loincloth, which is a pretty special sight, friend.”
–Participated in fight clubs at South Carolina, which Holtz admits was a mistake that ultimately led to the discipline problems plaguing the South Carolina program. Holtz, displaying scathing honesty, blames his lifelong bloodlust:
“
DondrellDondrial spun again, reeling from my punches like a drunk man in a washing machine. A flap of his skin hung off his cheek, and my berserker genes went off. All my life there’s been this point of no return in me, some indeterminate frontier where Lou the provider, the man with the whistle, the incisive commentator, the faithful husband…they all peel back to reveal my inner killer, the ape with the knife hungry only for blood, blood, blood. It wasn’t me who killed that drifter in a back alley in St. Paul that night, and it wasn’t Lou Holtz who beat a man to splinters in the flatbed of a truck in Oaxaca for seventeen pesos…it was the ape with the knife. It took seven men to pull me off Dondrell Pinkins; his face looked like a smashed jelly donut, and I was naked and covered in blood, war paint and feathers. God curse the beast inside me… may god damn him to hell.
Beware the ape with a knife.
–Met Bill Clinton once.
The book goes on sale in August.
*At least that’s what he said it was. Why he needed us to take our clothes off for it still confuses us…but hey, it got us free tickets to the Boy Scout Jamboree!
Citing complaints about a lack of playing time, four Oregon football players intend to transfer. Given that these guys barely cracked the lineup, the effect on the Ducks on the field should be minimal. However, Oregon loses a contender for the EDSBS All-Name Team as a result as defensive lineman Thor Pili joins running back Terrell Jackson, linebacker Tucker Callahan and offensive lineman Levi Horn in the decisions to transfer. It is always tough on a teams mystique to lose a D-lineman named Thor.
Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
Comments? Questions? Long strings of profanities directed at something we said? Please send your comments to harumphharumph -a- yahoo -dot- com. Please direct all tailgating photos and stories to edsbsfans -a- gmail -dot- com.
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