27 THINGS YOU DID NOT KNOW ABOUT MARSHAWN LYNCH

As an apology for this erroneous post about Marshawn Lynch, we promised a list of remarkable, Norris/Brasky-style things about the Cal phenom would appear on this site. Without further delay, we complete our penance for slandering Lynch with 27 Things You Did Not Know About Marshawn Lynch.

More talented than you know.

1. When ground to a powder, his toenails are an aphrodesiac. They may be found embedded in your ass, which he just finished kicking.

2. Owns that thing you want. Which thing? All of them, asshole.

3. Taught your mother how to hug with love, your sister how to fuck like a champ, and gave your grandmother a ride to the Safeway last week just to be nice.

4. Averaged 8.8 ypc as a freshman. (That one's true.)

5. Won the battle of Tours in 732 by stiff-arming the entire Moorish army across the Straits of Gibraltar, but only after teaching them algebra first.

6. Is writing an eloquent thank-you card in your name as we speak which you have forgotten to do.

7. Made an A on his Industrial Design project last year. He called it "Assignment 3 in Papier-Mache." You call it "the city of Tokyo."

Stirring work, Marshawn.

8. Has 22s on his feet and perfectly shined chrome on his ass cheeks.

9. Appeared in a waterstain on the side of a bank in Fresno, drawing crowds of worshipers from miles around.

10. Regularly wins races as a driverless midget sprint car in California amateur circuits.

11. Sweats a nutritious liquid that tastes just like Jolly Ranchers and is high in Vitamin A.

12. Invented happiness, the post-it note, and rotisserie chicken.

13. Has a third lung. Only uses it in fourth quarter.

14. That thing in the briefcase in Pulp Fiction? Marshawn's cleats.

15. Figured out the basics of string theory using only a Spirograph, an Excel spreadsheet, and an abacus.

All Marshawn needs, baby.

16. Won a street fight with Paris Hilton over who was prettier, and then bought her a drink afterward.

17. Picks up XM satellite with perfect clarity in his teeth.

18. Taught Tom Cruise how to do the motorbike...unsuccessfully.

19. Cooks toast on his thighs and boils eggs in his cheeks.

20. If he had been present at Creation, he would have given some useful hints.

21. Once knocked a train off its tracks with his penis...for charity. (Courtesy of Mr. Show.)

22. Ate a humpback once just to save it from being harpooned by a Japanese whaling ship.

23. Punched Paul Wall so hard he knocked gold teeth into his mouth.

24. Ran the 40 in 8.2 seconds...on the surface of the sun.

25. Grew a mustache in ten minutes by pinching his nose, pursing his lips, and blowing. As magnificent as it was, Lynch shaved it because it made him less aerodynamic. The mustache went on to become the President of Paraguay.

26. Is his own doppelganger.

27. Impregnated a redwood once, which gave birth to a coffee table that ran a 4.3.