TAUNT-O-NOMICS: THE PHYSICAL LAWS OF TAUNTING
by Orson on Jun 26, 2006 9:22 AM EDT
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PrintWhen taunting an opposing fanbase, there's a grab bag of general insults to hurl in the general direction of the degenerate, retarded, filthy, and obviously poor, shiftless cretins who paid bail and sold plasma to buy a Greyhound ticket to the game. They're toothless. They live with their mothers. They poop in styrofoam coolers on their way back to their toothless and poor mother's house, where they'll put on their team shirt before going to jack off in the public library to barnyard porn. And they really, really hate Michigan.
Those guys. They're totally different over there. They don't even cry tears, just battery acid that falls from their eyes.
These insults generally rely on calling an opposing fan everything you would most definitely NOT want to be, stricken with the diseases of poverty and--still worse--cursed with bad taste and a crippling addiction to underclass fashion. But when you call a West Virginia fan a toothless, gonorrhea-riddled pigfucker as Steve Slaton runs sixty yard wind sprints through your defense, is it more true than turning to the friendly fan next to you and saying the same? Do Iowa fans really have a higher probability of coming to the game jittered up on meth? Which fans stand the highest probability of actually being crazy?
In our ongoing quest to bring the sweet light of truth and science to college fandom, we combed the public health records database at StateMaster to see which college fans truly earned the oaths and libel tossed in their direction by...well, by you probably.
Test Statement #1: "You toothless rednecks!!!"
Most toothless fanbase: West Virginia. Apply fairly to the Thundering Herd or the Mountaineers, since 42.8% of West Virginia have lost at least one of their natural teeth. Combined with their passion for burning couches, whiskey drankin', and football, West Virginians must fill the offseason with an endless stream of jumbo-sized Sugar Daddies. Do they sub peanuts at the bar for tubs of Milk Duds?
Ya gotta headache, Enoch? Take three a these every six minutes and you'll be fine.
In the SEC, one may safely call everyone else a toothless redneck if you are a Florida fan, since we have the highest percentage of natural tooth retention, with only 18.7% of the population losing natural teeth. (It's the highly flouridated water in Florida, which may weaken you natural essences but leaves your teeth a pearly white that contrasts nicely with your leathery, skin-cancer spotted skin.) Kentucky claims the most toothless crown in the SEC, which serves as a nice metaphor for their football program as a whole, and Tennessee's gumming their heels in second place for the most open rental space in their grill.
Other conferences:
Pac-10 Tooth Champs: Any team in Cal. That smile contrasts nicely with the bronzer!
Pac-10 Gum Lords: Oregon. Blame the mutant cannibals roaming the wastes of eastern Oregon for that one--they never use mouthwash.
Big 10 Dental Suck-Ups: Minnesota. You don't have a toothy Gopher as a mascot for nothing. When you're snowed in, what are you going to do besides floss?
Suck-up rodent. Easy to do with only two teeth.
Big 10 Picket Fencemouths: Indiana. Proximity...
to federally subsidized "Kandy 4 Kidz" school lunch programs in Kentucky probably doesn't help this.
ACC Tooth Champs: Maryland. Terps keep 'em squeaky.
ACC Pudding Lovers: NORTH CAROLINA!!! Don't need to buy floss, take your shirt off, run it through you teeth kinda like a belt sander....
Big 12 Types Eating Corn with Confidence: The teeth at night are big and bright in the heart of Texas. Who knew Lone Star Beer was good for your dental health? We're making this too easy for Peter, since the Big 12's most toothless fanbase comes from...
Big 12's Most Toothless:Ooooooklahoma, where the wind goes whipping through the gums!
Big East's Tooth Champs That would be newly acquired UConn, which should suprise no one.
Big East Least Toothsome: The national champeens, of course: West Virginia, where the smoke might be not be coal fires, but the slow moldering of collective tooth decay rolling over the hills.
Test Insult: "(Insert Team Here) are nothing but trailer trash."
Though trashiness is highly subjective, mobile home-dwelling stats are not.
Most likely to dwell in trailers: South Carolina and Clemson fans, you know you quaked in your boots watching Twister, since you live in trailers at a higher rate than any other geographical fanbase, with 18.8% of Palmetto Staters living on wheels.
Big 12 trailer kings: Oklahoma, whose fans are not just toothless, but are in fact toothless adrenaline freaks.
Big 10 Weather Channel Watchers: Indiana. The Oklahoma of the Midwest.
Pac-10 and looking for a redwood deck add-on: Oregon. Cannot pin this on cannibals roaming eastern wastes, since they prefer caves and lean-tos. A strong showing here, since Oregon has more mobile homes than even Tennessee,which is a most impressive stat. If things ever get too sophisticated for you in the Pac-1o, Oregon State, you could easily be an honorary member of the Big 10.
Big East Parking Lot Pioneers: West Virginia. This could be a pattern...
Test Statement #3: "(Team Fan Name)s are illiterate dumbasses."
We'll use the "Best Educated Index" just to simplify this, a necessary step since we just discovered that we are the combined product of three Y KANT EyE REED? school systems. Again, this will not surprise regular readers of the site, but just to soothe our frayed nerves we've cracked our our favorite childhood snack as comfort food: O'Kelly's Kettle-Fried Lead Paint Chips. Ahh, tastes like Tennessee public schools...
They served 'em in the cafeteria when we were kids. We blame society.
Most Ig'nunt Fanbase: Curveball here--Arizona, who wallows at the bottom of the least educated list behind even Mississippi, the state of constant sorrow. Sun Devils and Wildcat fans alike, we'll send you a bag of O'Kelly's Southwest Chipotle Chips in condolence. Then again, a casual observer could have called this, since Arizona's extremely attractive student body could serve as circumstantial confirmation of this given the inverse relationship between hotness/intelligence in collective student bodies. (See: Notre Dame.)
SEC's "Most Stumped By Candy Land": Mississippi, rollin' at 49th, where the doorknob qualifies as a brainteaser. We cannot confirm the rumor that Ed Orgeron gets his kicks and recruits by getting a cordless mike that broadcasts on fm radios, stands outside of recruits bedrooms, and claims to be Jesus while commanding recruits to walk into walls to test their faith before committing to Ole Miss. And if any of you remembers this as a reference to the episode of the Simpsons "Radio Bart," you should be falling off your chairs at this very instant.
Walk through the wall; I will remove it for you!
ACC's Redbird Reading Group: North Carolina. Move over, I'm watchin' wrasslin'.
Big 12 Folks Who Run Screaming During Solar Eclipses: Oklahoma, who are making things far too easy for Texas fans here.
Pac-10 "What? Tacks aren't a condiment?" types: California. Must be some good learning going on in all those trailers in Oregon.
Big 10 Fans Who Haven't Taken Aspirin since 1982 (damn childproof caps!): Illinois, who now have a coach who hasn't taken aspirin in a long time, either.
Big East "A Frozen Turkey+ Vat of Hot Oil=No Problem" Fans: Do you need to ask at this point?
Test Statement #4: "(Insert Fans' Names Here) are total drunks"
We're unsure whether this is really an insult, since we quote Paul Westerdawg: "I tell everyone I know: don't play quarters with a Florida fan. Ne-ver." Undergraduate education at the University of Florida contains a powerful and unparalleled emphasis on elective amateur chemistry, so we view this as a double-edged sword of a statement of sorts. Nevertheless, we wanted to identify which fans could be properly identified as the drunks of all drunks, and what we found shouldn't surprise anyone who's ever been to Wisconsin.
Currently funneling beer in between IV shots of Jager while driving to the AA meeting: Wisconsin, in every single category, blows the competition away in the departments of alcohol consumption, dependence, frequency, number of children named Glenlivet and Mad Dog...all of them, hands down, belong to the Badgers and their tottering masses of fans. We tip our hats to you at the risk of having you vomit explosively into them. Cheers!
Actual photo from U Dub-Madison. Student working so hard to drink that headband has become necessary.
SEC "Soaking Biscuits in Whiskey At Breakfast To Take the Edge Off" champs: South Carolina, where Cocks view the banana dacquiri as a "sports beverage." SEC states show up in surprisingly low ranks, a trend attributable to two factors:
1. Lying.
2. Not seeing lifelong heavy drinking as "a problem."
3. We don't abuse alcohol in the south. Hell, it abuses us. We happen to love it.
Big 12 Shotmeisters: Colorado. You don't get that leathery from increased exposure to solar radiation alone, though having Gary Barnett as your coach for the past few years didn't help, either.
Pac-10 "We always shake like this. Got any cough syrup?" guys: Arizona, which can't be comfortable due to low humidity. Drink a glass of water for each drink, y'all, even at the risk of draining your scarce water reserves. Judging from your rank, this may be a real possibility.
Big East "Go see if Grandma's got any cooking sherry left, son" types: Connecticut, where trust fund babies are raiding the liquor cabinet like something wicked, you know.
ACC Beer Whores: Boston College fans, take a bow, since Massachusetts is the highest ranking ACC state on the list for alcohol abuse/dependence.
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" . . . where the doorknob qualifies as a brainteaser"
That quote is why you guys are the best. Actually, this entire post is. Quite an original bit of research there, and one I appreciate all the more because both Georgia and Alabama somehow managed not to pop up in any of those categories.
But it sounds like Oregon, Oregon State, West Virginia, Marshall, Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, Arizona, Arizona State, and pretty much everyone in North Carolina are going to be in for it this season.
by Doug on Jun 26, 2006 9:33 AM EDT reply actions
By the way, I think you’re probably correct about the SEC being underreported in terms of alcohol consumption. “It’s not a drinking problem; it’s a drinking solution.”
by Doug on Jun 26, 2006 9:33 AM EDT reply actions
Nominally teetotalin’ Baptists are a prime factor in the South’s low scores for alcohol abuse/dependency. Even in suburban Atlanta, I know quite a few.
by Chg on Jun 26, 2006 9:52 AM EDT reply actions
You guys forgot to rank states by instance of masturbation in public libraries.
by Bullfrog on Jun 26, 2006 10:19 AM EDT reply actions
Wisconsin Badger football: Win or lose, we’re not going to know about it until tomorrow.
And I wouldn’t have it any other way. Having chosen to go to Purdue “careful, don’t cheer too loud at the game” University for my collegiate experience really made me appreciate my childhood upbringing. I mean, really, what better way to spend one of your Saturday afternoons when you’re 12 years old than going to a stadium in which half the student section swears in unison at the other half?
(The answer? Spending a Saturday afternoon swearing at that other half.)
by Senor Pez on Jun 26, 2006 10:30 AM EDT reply actions
The lead in to the article is fantastic. Some how the state of Ohio didn’t pop up on any of this, so you worked it all in at the begining. I am going to go crap in a cooler just so this question can get on the census.
Thanks for making my morning.
by Odell 51 on Jun 26, 2006 10:36 AM EDT reply actions
Bart: Rod! Todd! This is God!
Rod: How did you get on the radio?
Bart: Whaddya mean, how did I get on the radio? I created the universe! Stupid kid.
Todd: Forgive my brother. We believe you.
Bart: Talk is cheap. Perhaps I’ll test a guy’s faith. Walk through the wall! I will remove it for you. (Todd hits the wall, Bart laughs)
Todd: What do you want from us?
Bart: I got a job for you. Bring forth all the cookies from your kitchen and leave them on the Simpsons’ porch.
Rod: But those cookies belong to our parents.
Bart: Ugh! Look, do you want a happy God or a vengeful God?
Rod and Todd (voice quivering): Happy God.
Bart: Then quit flapping your lip and make with the cookies!
by Mr. Egger on Jun 26, 2006 10:41 AM EDT reply actions
Bravo gents, well played.
To bastardize another Simpsons line, I wonder if the next census will include a question about how many hours of the day the household’s ranking female spends “watching her stories.” A former slave state has to lead that, right? Right?
by NoleinTexas on Jun 26, 2006 10:42 AM EDT reply actions
I’ve never been prouder to be a product of Meriter (nee Madison General) Hospital. I’ll drink to that!
by PeteJayhawk on Jun 26, 2006 10:47 AM EDT reply actions
What would be the best database to go to to establish that tOSU fans just suck? Misdemeanor bookings (criminal intent, but too lame to pull a felony)? Domestic violence arrests (can’t get along with anyone)?
I live in Ohio, support the Buckeyes and know first hand that the garden variety, living-in-Columbus tOSU fan is an unthinking, drunken, opinionated bar fight waiting to happen…regardless of the number of teeth, years of education or quantity of beers.
by ohiodawg on Jun 26, 2006 10:47 AM EDT reply actions
I think this comment wins:
Big 12 trailer kings: Oklahoma, whose fans are not just toothless, but are in fact toothless adrenaline freaks.
by Broom on Jun 26, 2006 11:04 AM EDT reply actions
Ohiodawg,
I can confirm that statement being an Ohio resident. Hence my life long mission is to make fun of tOSU fans. Join in the fun and you’ll be on the path to enlightenment.
by Odell 51 on Jun 26, 2006 11:43 AM EDT reply actions
I was waiting for General Klahn to show up.
UCONN is tough and ruthless.
West Virginia is rough and toothless.
Orson, you are a man of extraordinary magnitude, you have my gratitude.
by Irish Coroner on Jun 26, 2006 12:01 PM EDT reply actions
Excellent work again Orson. And as a dentist, all the tooth references are near and dear to my heart. There’s nothing that takes the edge off a stressful day quite like extracting teeth. It’s just so relaxing.
by Brent on Jun 26, 2006 12:25 PM EDT reply actions
As a proud Texas fan, I would have continued to taunt those toothless adrenaline freaks from Mobilhoma regardless of this worthy research. However, now that I know my claims are in fact justified, I will taunt with an even greater satisfaction. Hilarious – bravo.
by TXHNY on Jun 26, 2006 12:32 PM EDT reply actions
I would think that teeth in Minnesota would be endangered due to the population’s affinity for hockey. Perhaps getting your tooth smashed out (Ben?) doesn’t count as extraction.
by PSUgirl on Jun 26, 2006 12:35 PM EDT reply actions
I am rather surprised that Maryland beat out Massachusetts in toothyness. I guess it must be the western part of the state that brings the average down
by NDTom on Jun 26, 2006 12:35 PM EDT reply actions
That tooth chart shows how great Iowa really is. We’re only half-way up the list, even with all the teeth-grindin’ methheads.
by j.j. on Jun 26, 2006 1:11 PM EDT reply actions
Highest of high comedy, though I’m not happy that AZ came in low on the ed-u-macation scale. I’m also not surprised we came in high on the chugalicious scale either. Cheers!
by Mark on Jun 26, 2006 1:13 PM EDT reply actions
West Virginia should have SWEPT the Big East.
UConn as the biggest drinkers my ass… they may be rich, but they don’t make their own moonshine.
As a side note – using WVU and Marshall in the same breath makes me cringe. You would never say that Florida and Florida State and Miami fans are alike. Michigan and Michigan State. UVA and Virginia Tech. Notre Dame fans and the cast of Saturday Night Fever…
by CouchBurnin'Girl on Jun 26, 2006 1:34 PM EDT reply actions
I will say this. I attended the University of Kentucky, and my sophomore year was Tim Couch’s freshman year. I’ve never seen the toothless faithful root against a guy named Billy Jack (Haskins) more unjustifiably in my life. It was very entertaining to watch the crowd root for Couch to be inserted just to run the option.
My favorite line of all time overheard at a UK football game…“Come’on Curry! Cut the deuce loose!!!”
Now the quote itself was funny, but the look on the guy’s face was remarkable. He had the same look on his face that your 5 year old kid gets when you intentionally swing at miss at one of his fastballs.
You just let the guy have his moment and make fun of him after the fact.
Thanks for not putting Kentucky in any other categories other than toothless…
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to the dentist.
by Carson=Zeus on Jun 26, 2006 1:52 PM EDT reply actions
Ripper: Mandrake, do you realize that in addition to fluoridating water, why, there are studies underway to fluoridate salt, flour, fruit juices, soup, sugar, milk…ice cream. Ice cream, Mandrake, children’s ice cream.
Mandrake: Lord, Jack.
Ripper: You know when fluoridation first began?
Mandrake: I… no, no. I don’t, Jack.
Ripper: Nineteen hundred and forty-six. Nineteen forty-six, Mandrake. How does that coincide with your post-war Commie conspiracy, huh? It’s incredibly obvious, isn’t it? A foreign substance is introduced into our precious bodily fluids without the knowledge of the individual. Certainly without any choice. That’s the way your hard-core Commie works.
Mandrake: Uh, Jack, Jack, listen, tell me, tell me, Jack. When did you first…become…well, develop this theory?
Ripper: Well, I, uh…I…I…first became aware of it, Mandrake, during the physical act of love.
Mandrake: Hmm.
Ripper: Yes, a uh, a profound sense of fatigue…a feeling of emptiness followed. Luckily I…I was able to interpret these feelings correctly. Loss of essence.
Mandrake: Hmm.
Ripper: I can assure you it has not recurred, Mandrake. Women uh…women sense my power and they seek the life essence. I, uh…I do not avoid women, Mandrake.
Mandrake: No.
Ripper: But I…I do deny them my essence.
by PeteJayhawk on Jun 26, 2006 1:56 PM EDT reply actions
Mass. is the king of drinking the ACC and you didn’t make one single Ted Kennedy joke?
I’m ashamed for both of us.
by Jacketdan on Jun 26, 2006 2:16 PM EDT reply actions
I don’t know how to use a doorknob, but I am not a man of constant sorrow! Ignorance, as you are no doubt aware, is indeed bliss.
smq
by matt on Jun 26, 2006 2:18 PM EDT reply actions
Sorry Ohiodawg,
I will be on my couch with surgically implanted longhorns coming out of my head. I will be yelling “hook em’ horns!” at all my tOSU friends while giving the Ronnie James Dio hand signal.
After Texas goes up by 21 they will start complaining about how they have the harderst schedule in the nation based soley on the Texas game. I will laugh at them like an un merciful God.
“Do you honestly think that tOSU is the only program to travel accross the country to play another national powerhouse?!’”
They will look down with disgust knowing that I am correct and they should pay for their insolance.
I of course will pay for it. They will crap in the cooler on my deck and masturbate in my computer room.
For that week I will say Texas is my second favorite College football team. This changes weekly. It is whomever tOSU plays.
Burn in hell Woody Hayes.
by Odell 51 on Jun 26, 2006 2:27 PM EDT reply actions
I’ve never been prouder to be from North Carolina.
You don’t need no teef to eat grits, anyway. Or watch rasslin’, for that matter.
by Steven on Jun 26, 2006 2:30 PM EDT reply actions
Hey, Georgia’s 4th in Chlamydia prevalence. Take that, New York.
by Orson Swindle on Jun 26, 2006 2:33 PM EDT reply actions
If you’re wife wasn’t so awesome, and probably completely capable of administering a beating to yours truly, I would make some kind of witty jab about previously passing up on things that are easy.Instead I shall refrain.
But I still say there’s no shame in swinging away on the occasional Teddy K joke. I think it might actually be a civic duty.
by Jacketdan on Jun 26, 2006 2:58 PM EDT reply actions
West Virginia should have SWEPT the Big East.
UConn as the biggest drinkers my ass they may be rich, but they dont make their own moonshine.
but, now everybody’s putting their moonshine in their cars/tractors – sanctioning by the government ruins everything.
by PSUgirl on Jun 26, 2006 3:02 PM EDT reply actions
Moonshine in cars? WOW.
Now if I can just figure out how to keep the gasoline down, I can mix and match liquids to my heart’s content.
by GamecockTony on Jun 26, 2006 3:10 PM EDT reply actions
Drink it with a little cremora. Takes the edge off.
by Orson Swindle on Jun 26, 2006 3:11 PM EDT reply actions
Irish Coroner – This blog requires total concentration.
Chop off his head and take him to Detroit!
by NewAZTiger on Jun 26, 2006 3:21 PM EDT reply actions
Well, much like preseason football polls, the SEC has 4 “teams” in the top 5 for toothless…
by NewAZTiger on Jun 26, 2006 3:22 PM EDT reply actions
Orson, if NY ranked higher in alcohol consumption, they’d have a better showing in the chlamydia department. Somewhere as I type this, a Tech fan is plotting that relationship on a graph.
by Dawgnoxious on Jun 26, 2006 4:36 PM EDT reply actions
Good work, boys, but not so useful when your traditional rival is in the same state, as with California, Florida, and South Carolina schools. Of course, when the Clemson fan and the Gamecock fan clutch each other in the face of the oncoming twister, the Clemson fan can just point to the scoreboard with his or her free hand.
by Fesser on Jun 26, 2006 4:39 PM EDT reply actions
Vivid imagery, Fesser. It would lower his chance of survival to raise the aforementioned hand, but most college football fans would risk death in an emergency to stab their rival one last time.
by Orson Swindle on Jun 26, 2006 5:12 PM EDT reply actions
I have to take issue with your methodology in awarding the toothless prize. Being in the same state, Auburn fans drag the us all down, reflecting poorly on the Bama fanbase.
by Todd on Jun 26, 2006 6:06 PM EDT reply actions
CouchBurnin’Girl wrote:
As a side note – using WVU and Marshall in the same breath makes me cringe. You would never say that Florida and Florida State and Miami fans are alike. Michigan and Michigan State. UVA and Virginia Tech. Notre Dame fans and the cast of Saturday Night Fever
Awesome.
by Jackwraith on Jun 26, 2006 10:20 PM EDT reply actions
It isn’t clear if the CDC statistics that Statemaster quotes are standardized to reflect the age structure of different states’ populations. If they’re not, the toothless figures may not be very significant overall.
Sorry love.
by The Conscience of a Nation on Jun 26, 2006 10:47 PM EDT reply actions
I have a video of West Virginia fan up on my web site. Check it.
by tnirishfan on Jun 26, 2006 10:54 PM EDT reply actions
Nice job, Swindle. I knew there had to be a reason to come here in summer.
by bitterhorn on Jun 27, 2006 1:30 AM EDT reply actions
ps. and thanks – all my imprecations of the complete suckage that is oklahoma are now vindicated
by bitterhorn on Jun 27, 2006 1:45 AM EDT reply actions
I have to take issue with your methodology in awarding the toothless prize. Being in the same state, Auburn fans drag the us all down, reflecting poorly on the Bama fanbase.
The only thing that drags down the BAMA fanbase is the BAMA fanbase. 2/3 of BAMA’s fanbase have as many teeth as they do years of schooling- somewhere between 6 and 10.
by AU03 on Jun 27, 2006 7:29 AM EDT reply actions
CBG,
Being from CT, I assure you we drink like there’s no tomorrow. And we have some of the strictest non-Utah booze laws around. We don’t make our own alcohol, because we have enough money to buy it legally. And often.
Seriously though, props to the Huskies for repping CT the way I knew it always could. Probably the only time they’ll be coming in first in any category on this website for quite sometime.
As for you southerners who bitch about how you lost the war, well, how does it feel to finish second again?
by Wooderson on Jun 27, 2006 12:54 PM EDT reply actions
I love how Texas fans have annointed OSU fans as the “worst of all time” after the game last season. They come into town and find 500,000 drunk people partying outside the stadium and turn into Rainman scribbling in their diaries about their little “personal injuries”…
Meanwhile, OSU plays Penn State later and their fans throw urine filled beer bottles on the OSU BAND for God’s sake…
Let’s give the Texas fans their due as “whiniest fans of all time”…Please be careful and don’t “grab their neck and pull real hard” when you see them…
by Pants McPants on Jun 27, 2006 1:13 PM EDT reply actions
pants-
I assume you won’t be coming to Austin when we return the favor?
by Texas own OSU on Jun 28, 2006 3:28 AM EDT reply actions
While I would say that Arkansas or Texas Tech fans are the worst of all time – the tOSU fans were nothin’ nice. Sure, there were a few nice guys around but in general it was really unclassy, even for football.
Whiniest fans of all time? I think it was less whining than unmet expectations and surprise at how badly someone behaved as a well-respected rival.
I hope when OSU comes to Austin, they have a good time and get a nice taste of good BBQ, Texas beer, and our signature southern hospitality. Then when we win the dreaded ‘night game’ they can take the loss home and feel like it was still worth the trip.
by TXHNY on Jun 29, 2006 6:39 AM EDT reply actions
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