The NCAA’s Academics/Eligibility/Compliance Cabinet (doesn’t the name just suggest “eh, cluttered kitchen drawer full of crap we don’t care about”?) has recommended limiting text message contact between coaches and recruits. (Maybe they should just throw a few more things on there, like Academics/Eligibility/Compliance/Office Holiday Party Committee/Sensitivity Training/International Outreach/Guy Who Knows How to Make ITunes Work On Your Office PC Through Firewalls Cabinet.)

Should the NCAA follow through and enact the legislation into something kind of like a law, a new spectator sport will be watching Urban Meyer twitch at the Starbucks at 3:59 while waiting for his grande holding his Blackberry like the steering wheel of a F1 car, thumbs vibrating and poised above the keys waiting for 4 p.m. to roll around.

Alternatives to text messaging are already being sought. We propose:

1. Graffiti. Cheap, inexpensive, and could lead to the sight of master recruiters like Trooper Taylor and Eric Bienemy covering each others tags and then settling disputes in tightly-orchestrated dance-fights.


Imagine Doc Holliday in the Whodini hat. Yeah, we’re totally on board with this.

2. Carrier Pigeon. Another cheap alternative, though may be ineffective in West Virginia, Tennessee, and other big hunting states. Problems may arise as result of 23mm anti-aircraft guns being purchased and deployed to kill incoming pigeons carrying rival schools’ recruiting materials.

3. “The Truman Show” strategy. Schools put entire towns on the payroll to subtly convince recruit that his destiny is to sign with [INSERT SCHOOL HERE.] Would be tipped off by wistful, obviously scripted speech by high school janitor where he divulges that he, too, was once a promising young VHT…before he committed to [OPPOSITE SCHOOL OF DUBIOUS VIRTUE AND INTEGRITY], where armed thugs broke his knees and cut his scholarship, leaving him in the desert without food or water to die. The weepy strings playing in the back would be a dead giveaway, too.


It worked with Tebow–never saw the cameras.