Marshawn Lynch gets his weekend off to a bang in a very literal fashion: Lynch was riding in a car leaving Oakland Tech High School’s graduation when, in a case of “mistaken identity,” a gunman reached into his jacket, pulled out a gun, and hit the car with “three to five bullets.” (HT: Matthew.)

West Coast what! If you can think of a high school name more evocative of “whoaholyjesusthatstough” than “Oakland Tech,” please let us know. That’s cartoonish tough, there. The article’s titter-worthy for what it implies here:

A day after Cal tailback Marshawn Lynch was nearly shot at Oakland Tech High School, the university planned no precautions to keep Lynch from being the target of further violence.

[/WHY ISN'T CAL PROTECTING ITS PLAYERS GASP HUFF HARUMPH!!!]

Probably because it was Oakland Tech, and Lynch’s less-than-stellar reputation makes this seem less-than-a-surprise. ***ER, UM, SEE BELOW.*** Being on Cal’s football team has been dangerous to your offseason health for two years running now; if you’ll remember, Cal offensive lineman Mike Tepper was run over twice by two convicted felons in a street altercation in Berkeley, an accident that put nine screws into his broken leg and ended his season.


Went to Oakland Tech, which isn’t tough only if you graduated from “Nutpunch Vocational High”

***Now we could, in a moment of total cowardice, erase this from the blog forever. But it’s a mistake, and a bitchy one at that considering we could never find the sources we half-remembered when typing it, sources we definitely won’t find them before 6 o’clock. Were we confusing them with the pics of Maurice Drew in his undies at a party, or the bit where he allegedly beat up someone with Ricky Manning at a Denny’s? Or just making ass of self on blog?

There’s no real excuses. So allow us to make a two-step mea culpa here.

First: Orson’s an ass. Orson’s an ass. Orson’s an ass. We retract the aforementioned statement about Lynch, and blame no one but ourselves and sloppy personal error. We. Are. An. Ass. Don’t believe us? Maybe you’ll believe Microsoft Paint.


Believe it.

The idea has never been to be the Tucker Max of the CFB blogosphere, and never will be. Re-tract-ed with profuse apologies, hopefully represented in the fine artwork you see above which will now be posted each time we make a horrendous error. (This means you’ll be seeing it several times a week.)

Second: in repayment, we will publish our own list of Chuck Norris-esque, Bill Braskyish facts about Marshawn and Cal football next week. Consider it a penance you may take or leave as you wish.

–O.