Here’s what happened to the site once 20,000 Deadspin readers all tried to download our fabulous Powerpoint preview of Arizona State all at once:
We’re back up, but until we figure out a tidier way of running downloadables off the server, we’re taking them off the menu.
The MZone’s running their own mustache taxonomy program over on their site, identifying and classifying a particular, slightly droopy philtrum-covering caesura as the “Buckstache.” Looks eerily like a Sam Elliottish “Nevada Prospector” to us with a little color, but if you’ve got the photos to prove it, we’ll endorse the new classification.
We wouldn’t want to turn this into the kind of classification fracas inflaming the ranks of dedicated botanists, who’ve been known to come close to fisticuffs when discussing just what the hell an orchid is, anyway. We would like to say, though, that the ’stache on this guy:
…is a nearly dead perfect solid approximation of “The Cowher,” perhaps with a little bit of the “Uncle Rico” mixed in for accent.
In our ongoing attempt to give readers something they’re not getting anywhere else, we’ve started counting down Athlon’s top 25 backwards in order to pick our PowerPoint Preview teams. You may be familiar with Microsoft PowerPoint from the last sales meeting or seminar you slept through, or from a dismal, harried presentation you did after a long night of lemon drops with the HR gals. Forget what you know, because in our hands PowerPoint goes from a half-assed clip art display to a full, rocking inferno of hellacious, eyeball-piercing, soul-scorching football force.
We guarantee that you won’t fall asleep during this week’s installment, our preview of Arizona State’s 2006 season, brought to you by a whole slew of metalsome gifs and the dulcet tones of Slayer’s “Angel of Death.” If you injure yourself headbanging, look in the mirror and realize your face has been melted off, or are otherwise injured in the melee that will follow your seemingly innocent click of the mouse on the link below…blame Satan.
CLICK THIS TO FEEL THE AWESOME SATANIC POWER OF POWERPOINT.
(OR DON’T: This completely got us into trouble with our hosting when we posted it, so until we get it up on Filehost, it’s off the site. Apologies.)
(Warning: clip is fucking loud. Wear headphones, or be prepared to watch your whole office go up in flames. If sound doesn’t work, play this clip behind it. Best viewed in PP 2003 to get the full flaming demonic vision. Rock.)
YOU try to think of a funny way to do an ASU preview without mentioning Satan.
Ralph Friedgen has filled the last vacancy on his coaching staff resulting from the departure of the tastily named Charlie Taaffe, hiring former Baltimore Ravens coach Phil Zacharias to coach running backs for the Terps this fall. (And no, Friedgen did NOT hire Taaffe solely because he sounded like candy or something tasty. We’d only be suspicious if the staff roster listed name like “John Porterhouse,” “Wesley Donitz,” or “Darius Pecanlog.” Then you’d have a theory.)
We’ll sure coach Baconchoklat will be a great addition to the Maryland staff. Hmm….
According to the Washington Post, this all but solidifies Friedgen’s expanded role in calling plays this fall, a practice he’d ceded almost entirely to Taaffe with diminishing results over the past two seasons for Maryland.(HT: Ben Maller.) Friedgen calling plays remains one of college football’s subtle, gentlemanly pleasures for the connoiseur: a fifteen yard dig here; a counter there; a quick screen followed up by an option capped off with a few pounding runs to set up an inevitable play-action pass for a touchdown to the tight end out of a goal-line set. Friedgen blends patience, sophistication, and almost witty playcalling so well in his offense you’d swear you should be wearing a smoking jacket and swirling a amber disk of Louis XIV cognac around in a snifter while watching it. (Actually, that’s how we look most of the time. Just remember we’re wearing jean shorts underneath the whole David Niven rig.)
The quintessential moment of Friedgen’s Masterpiece Theater playcalling came against Georgia in 2000 in Tech’s 27-15 victory over the ‘Dawgs. Early in the game, facing UGA’s fast and malicious defensive backfield, Friedgen calls an option, which the geologically fast George Godsey takes 33 yards for their first score. (Not many glaciers have had the success Godsey enjoyed at the collegiate level, ever further testimony to Friedgen’s talent. Godsey graduated, and is now slowly grinding down a slope in Northern Greenland.) A cheeky, well-timed call with perfect execution, and essential Friedgen. Georgia was put on their heels and never seemed to recover from the sight of George Godsey running wild through a mob of stunned future NFL starters.
Godsey, seen here in his current job.
Never hurts that Maryland’s had two losing seasons in a row thanks to crappy offense, either. Friedgen’s return to string-pulling will make the ACC, already beating each other’s brains in like the old Big 10, an even tougher run this fall for teams looking to make it into the beauty contest season of the BCS without a surplus of scratches and dents.
New Kansas State head coach Ron Prince is looking for speed in the heartland: (HT: The Wiz.)
“Really, speed is the name of the game,” Prince said by phone Friday afternoon.
We ask the important questions here at EDSBS, like “Which dictator does your coach resemble most?” and “If Beano Cook were to fight you, what would describe his unstoppable fighting style?”
We’ll ask another, very serious question here: why is Ron Prince having a hard time finding speed in Kansas? ‘Cause in the Midwest that shit is all over the place, and it’s gooooood stuff. Just be careful, Ron–a little goes a long way, and pretty soon you find yourself hunched over a toilet with a blowtorch praying that you won’t blow the roof off your Mom’s house. Again.
J-j-just buying some cough syrup….for my coach.
Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
Comments? Questions? Long strings of profanities directed at something we said? Please send your comments to harumphharumph -a- yahoo -dot- com. Please direct all tailgating photos and stories to edsbsfans -a- gmail -dot- com.
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