IF IT'S JUNE, IT MUST BE DUMB TIME

The greatest piece of non-punditry in quite some time

Awesome stuff; especially the MS Paint map. First rate, guys.

The Highfalutin ’Pologist deserves no less. Kudos.

What in the fudge do “diversity of scheme” and “strength of schedule” have to do with anything? How tough a team’s schedule is may determine how easy it is to accurately gauge a team’s worth, but has sod-all to do with a team’s worth itself. And “diversity of scheme” . . . good gravy, is there anyone outside of Heismanpundit himself who actually gives a rat’s ass about this? A conference with 12 teams can run 12 different schemes, but if they run ‘em all shitty, that doesn’t make them a good conference.

I also love his snide blowing-off of teams like South Carolina and Arkansas as “a permanent underclass” just a few paragraphs after an implication that teams like Arizona and Washington State will be knocking some heads this season — ’cuz there are no weeks off in the mighty Pac-10!

Then, finally, there’s the whole “Big East with the what now?” thing, as if West Virginia and Louisville didn’t even exist. Your map is probably even more accurate than you realize.

With “analysis” like this … you guys will never get mentioned in the New York Times.

While I generally agree with you about this piece, I find it amusing how pissed of SEC fans get if the primacy of thier conference is even challenged. From top to bottom the SEC is still the best conference, but not by much. It is no longer the CF superpower you all still assume it to be. Yes, Auburn disserved more respect two years ago, but LSU has had touble beating middle of the road PAC ten teams (OSU and ASU). Georgia’s loss to a (gasp) Big East team could easily happen to another major SEC power in the coming years. It is interesting you give props to the Big 12. It seems there is a great lack of games played between the SEC and Big 12. I have wanted to see more of these matchups over the last two years. There are only so many non conference games that can be scheduled, and bowls have been reluctant to pair SEC/Big 12 matchup when more lucrative Big ten and ACC matchups can be made.

I hate to bring it up since it is at the expense of my Irish, but you put ND down as a loss for the Big 10. I’m actually surprised no tOSU folks have “corrected” you yet.

Sure, tzubear. The rage is just regionalism writ large. We don’t assume the SEC’s the conference superpower, just one of four—thus the sarcastic “OMG!”.

The Big 12 deserves props for last season; they played a great slate of bowl games and performed admirably in all of them. Even the corpse of a Colorado team put up a fight against Clemson, and Texas Tech got into a grappling match with Alabama they couldn’t hope to win.

As for the loss to TCU, blame it on the unstoppable juggernaut that is the Horned Frogs. They got Oklahoma last year, too.

Jesus, AWY. It’s a wonder we get the top off the scotch every morning. Corrected.

AllWhoYonder, it took every bit of self control to not correct the tOSU/ND flip. Go Bucks.

I want Billy D’s shirt. Fantastic.

You can look at the quality of PAC-10 beats: Northwestern, Rutgers, BYU…not exactly a murderers row there. In fact Northwestern is kind of like a PAC-10 Team stuck in Big 10 land; track meet pace, hope to have the ball last. Diversity of offense is an unbeleivably shitty measure. I can’t think of a more contrived way to rate teams. Maybe cuteness/ferocity of mascot? Which conference has the most fearsome mascot? The Big-10 is out; that goddamned big headed buckeye does not strike fear into the hearts of men.

that goddamned big headed buckeye does not strike fear into the hearts of men

Until you consider the legions of Bucknuts bearing styrofoam coolers/portable outhouses who follow in its wake. Then, it’s hard to sleep well at night.

My biggest problem was with HP’s coaching ranking. Walt Harris is a genuis program builder yet Fulmer, Carr and Bowden are all national championship nit wits? There are many ways to measure a coach, but Ws and Ls is probably the best gauge.

Don’t let that troublesome scotch cap keep you down! While in your more “clear” times of the day, fill up a squeeze bottle so that you can be at the ready from the moment you hit snooze for the eighth time. Bike bottles work well, or so I’m told…

Um, Orson…

Hate to be a stickler…but Kansas beat Houston in the Fort Worth Bowl. Yes, I realize nobody but me cares.

personally, it seems that the best way to rank conferences is to measure the number of teams that reside in the south eastern portion of the US. I’m not going to do any hard-core math before my liquid lunch, but i’ll guestimate that it’s SEC, ACC, and then the rest of the conferences.

SEC RULZ 4EVS!

but the stanford tree does, pac 10 still rules by ferocity rowdyroddypiper

Nice one DevilGrad. The new OSU mascot should be a white trash ohioan with a mustache. This strikes fear into Librarians and children alike.

Any analysis that mentions the Spanish Menance is a good analysis.

REMEMBER THE MAINE

Fair point, what are the other weak links in conference mascotery??

ACC:

Demon Deacons: I could give a shit if you’re a Demon. To my mind the Deacon was the guy who monitored orange drink or handed out name tags at fellowship after services.

Terrapin: High Falutin’ Turtle. If no genetic mutations/ninja skills present, fear is non-existant.

Hokie: This is just a turkey right?

Big 10:

Buckeye: You’re a fucking nut…or a delicious peanutbutter and chocolate creation.

Gopher: Scary only to those with a Hank Hill level passion for lawncare.

Big 12:

Cornhusker: strong workman who devotes his life to grain production. Not scary at all.

Sooner: Pilots covered wagon, fear factor = 0

Aggie: This is just an agricultural college student right? Scary only to attractive sheep.

Big East:

Cardinal: Not scary.

Orangemen: I’d imagine this had something to do with Protestant Irish. Now I think it’s a big orange fuzzball.

PAC 10:

Ducks: Darkwing Duck, Duckman and Howard the Duck, three examples of a duck’s highest evolutionary potential…needless to say, not at all scary.

Beavers: Scary to those who enjoy undisturbed stands of conifers and unobstructed flow of waterways. Loved by those that enjoy easy vagina jokes.

Stanford Cardinal / Tree: Terrified of Beaver, cannot be scary.

South Eastern Conference:

Commodore: Feared by those that hate swinging floor burners and tender soulful ballads. Not feared by Rusty Griswald.

Volunteer: Scare factor 0. Coonskin cap does not help.

Crimson Tide: Images of Russian nuclear aresenal instability and doin it on the rag. Scary to those that are afraid of the unconventional.

The facts are out there gentlemen, decide for yourselves which conference truly r00lz them all!

Never mind the fact that Arkansas is being used as an example of SEC “underclass” when it was USC playing Arkansas that was used as an example of the PAC10 willing to play hard out of conference games. When that discussion was brought up, nary a soul was questioning the talent on Arkansas and their ability to challenge for the SEC title. Now, when comparing conferences, Arkansas is a bottom-feeder. Does this “analysis” now discount the result of the USC-Arkansas season opener?

I think the bowl results are important in comparing conferences but you have to look at the inteconference games as well. UCLA beating Oklahoma and USC blowing out Arkansas are just as relevant to the relative strengths of the conferences as the bowl games.

Plus the SEC takes crap about the weak OOC scheduling but the Big 12 is even worse. That’s how they get so many teams bowl eligible. Didn’t Texas Tech actually play 3 1AA teams last year (or did it just seem like they did)?

I wouldn’t conisder Arkansas as part of the underclass of the SEC, though I wouldn’t say they were one of the elite either.

And Arkansas wasn’t the hook to hold up OOC scheduling arguments for USC or the Pac 10. Auburn (USC), Oklahoma(UCLA-OU), Nebraska (USC) Va Tech (USC) etc. do a better job there.

Anyone that considers John L. Smith or Glen Mason a paragon of football intellect, really needs to:

A) Watch more football, with head not up ass.
B) Avoid football analysis, in public.

Hey Orson…In the Big 12 section for bowl teams you have texas listed twice and don’t have Oklahoma listed.

“diversity of offensive scheme”?!?!?!

Is there some sort of college football affirmative action plan I haven’t heard about? Are there quotas? Shouldn’t each conference be required to have one team running the option out of the wishbone?

Considering how the Heisman Trophy—and good fucking luck ever winning one of these John W. Heisman—is now pretty much for “the quarterback, tailback, wideout who is part of an extremely productive offense of a team in the running for the mythical national championship who puts up great statistics and the occasional jaw-dropping game highlight” it should be expected that “best” equals lots of flashy offense.

I guess the sixth category should be for amount of time appearing in SportsCenter highlights. Although, bonecrunching hits by linebackers probably won’t count.

And, your college football map is pure genius! Just more proof that something simple and lacking in diversity—or lots of bright colors—can be great.

It’s good to see that USC-Pundit is able to diversify his portfolio of inane analysis.

Now that I reread the above sentence, i can’t use the word analysis. I prefer the phrase: “steaming pile of self-fulfilling and self-pleasing circular logic and bias”.

PS. We Texas fans sure do wish we could somehow trade Mack Brown for superstar coach Walt Harris.

Roddy, You are very mistaken.

I was scared shitless by howard the duck.

of course I was like 5, but still.

Roddy,

Who is NOT petrified of a beaver? Buck teeth man, huge petruding(sp) buck teeth!

The duck is one of the most versatile (derivative of “diverse”) members of the animal kingdom, showing proficiency in flying, swimming, and walking (or waddling). Fearsome, indeed.

RRP,

Syracuse is know simply as “the orange” now.

i love the smell of college football in early june. smells like victory.

as an fsu fan who regulary reads thanks to a rival gator friend, i appreciate your site as much as a seminole can (excellent writing, amusing points of view, generally rational points). i must take exception with you pretending florida state didn’t go to a bowl game, even though we lost a game we should have lost much earlier than 1 a.m. at any rate, that would take the acc even with the highly praised big 12 in your analysis in bowl games and bowl win-loss record.

I’m sorry but PAC-10 is a 4-5 in competitiveness! I think I threw up alittle bit in my mouth!

his rational: No weeks off

SEC: 2.5 out of 5 in competitiveness

Just because these teams some teams haven’t won championships in a long while doesn’t mean they’re not competitive! Just ask UT if Vandy is a week off. Ask a UF fan how scary Ole Miss or Mississippi State can be. Ask a UGA fan if South Carolina will be competitive this year.

I’m sorry the SEC is not as competitive as a league that’s had the same champion for the last FOUR F’N YEARS!

I’m sorry, did he say you he’s objective?

I don’t know where his loyalty lies, but he can’t honestly believe that stuff.

Heisman Pundit wins the award for the biggest Flaming Turd of the Off-season.

Reading that article – and trying to formulate an intelligent rebuttal – just made my head hurt. I’m pretty sure I started bleeding from the ears, too.

Sorry about the error—they’re corrected.

I am annoyed by the lack of respect for the Big East.

Eh… all in a day.

What A Dick Bandit that guy is. I thought folks on the West Coast were smarter and more evolved than we Southerners.

I vote to Redact him.

Thanks for the link.

Want to get some drinks tonight? Maybe catch a movie?

As a Pac-10 fan I was insulted by the lunacy that Heismanpundit posted
(“Do they expect us to swallow this tripe?” “And here is this tripe, courtesy of Heismanpundit!”).
In my ignorant opinion, comparing coaching ability only works if teams are equally matched. Overall there are just too many variables to consider when goes down this slippery slope. Sometimes the most simplistic system works the best, head to head match-ups on the field. We saw that complexity meant almost nothing in the game between Boise at Georgia because one is a more high profile program in a talent rich state and thus is able to attract a greater number of better athletes. We have also seen that in the Red River Rivalry where through sheer coincidence “Grandma” Mack Brown’s coaching ability was not a liability thanks to Vince Young and Oklahoma “suffering” last year. I do not think that Walt Harris leading Stanford would do well against the insult to severely retarded trolls that is fat Fulmer because of the differences of roster depth. In addition the gravitational pull exhibited by fat Fulmer makes him one of the few coaches that has his own satellites orbiting around his midsection, the other being Mangino. Good God, I hope never to see a game between both of those Unicron sized planet eaters because the gravitational attraction between them would rip the Earth apart.

Someone said Unicron. This thread is now officially immortal.

A tree cannot be scary?

You obviously never saw the movie Poltergeist.

Or Harry Potter. The Whomping Willow beats up a goddamned car.

Matt-

Orson can speak Nole. Even my grandfather the FSU fan, who passed away a few years ago from a heart condition discovered when he literally had a heart attack watching the first “wide right” game against Miami, got along with him.

-The Conscience of a Nation, product of a mixed (UF/FSU) marriage

HP-

no drink, no movie. Just sit in the corner and think about what you’ve done.

Victories: Iowa (god bless picky linesmen)

That’s what I call SEC karma, after the LSU hail mary in ’05.

Ok, I’m sure at this point in the thread no one except maybe Orson is going to read this, but…

OMG ORSON, YOU’RE IN A MIXED MARRIAGE?!?!?!?!?!

I’m the President of The Organization Of Americans Opposed To The Gay Marriage Ban Ammendment Because It Ignores The Much More Insidious Issue Of Mixed Collegiate-Allegance Marriages, and I find this very disturbing. And unfortunately our Atlanta Chapter isn’t very strong, because, well, who really gives a damn about the UGA-GT rivalry.

No—we’re married to the product of a mixed marriage. TCOAN is all Gator.

And for the record, we do have a grad degree from Tech, which makes us doubly loathsome to Georgia fans.

If you want to throw magic or posessed trees into the mix, so be it, but it would make my “objective opinion” much less truthy.

damn orson, i don’t think you can’t buy enough R.E.M. records to get that stain out.

Kleph —

as translated into English (or “En-grish,” as the language is sometimes known at the Trade School), your statement means that Orson can buy enough R.E.M. records to remove his double Gator/Jacket educational pedigree. Of course, such linguistic construction can only be the result of a) the Tito Puente school of Talk Fast Wrong; or b) an affinity for the University of Georgia and Southern Comfort. Just a guess.

My favorite part is the “talent” rating, where he concedes the SEC is clearly ahead of the PAC-10.

‘Just because you’re better than us, don’t think you’re better than us!’

I just had this idea elsewhere, as one does: it’s time to stop fighting and start some conference synergy. In principle this should mean our weather (just can’t do the humidity), your tailgates, some joint co-ed teach-ins on self-presentation, and football that combines razzle dazzle and tectonic hits. I mean, I cannot but love an unofficial conference motto of “if you ain’t cheatin, you ain’t tryin.” (that is the unofficial motto, isn’t it?)

However, if it’s anything like corporate merger synergy, we’d end up with organic juice and quinoa and organic jicama salad being pitched to an angry crowd comprised of Wazoo and Vols fans comparing camo while both teams are trying to find creative ways to lose. Although the Wazoo fans might be a bit too cosmopolitan to put up with the Vols…

Did anyone else notice that in his “diversity of offensive scheme”, he crowed about the fact that the PAC-10 has all of the “spread”, “dynamic passing offense”, and “west coast offense”? Like there’s much diversity there?

Whew!… I feel better about where I get my football blog fix from now…

“I just had this idea elsewhere, as one does: it’s time to stop fighting and start some conference synergy”

No, remember this is the way we are controlled by “The Man”. The more we fight amongst ourselves the less aware we are of the global take over by Oregon and the dreaded Nike swoosh.

No, remember this is the way we are controlled by “The Man”. The more we fight amongst ourselves the less aware we are of the global take over by Oregon and the dreaded Nike swoosh.

Ah, it’s all becoming clear now… hence the Mythical National Championship and the distractions of bizarre uniforms… There’s a tri-lateral commission joke in here somewhere.

Who told you about the tri-lateral commission? You will still be dealing with the pickle matrix when that baby hits the market.

Didn’t Texas Tech actually play 3 1AA teams last year (or did it just seem like they did)?

Five if you count that game in Lincoln and the one with the team from College Station.