Don’t forget the sole feature of summer at TigerSmack: Miles Hat Mondays, where the intrepid boys from the bayou attempt to solve the urgent problem of what to put on Les Miles’ head besides that goobery white pillbox of a hat.
You’ll have to click over for the Benihana scenario (he looks strangely at home making teppanyaki) but we have to link this one today, since we did spend twelve whole dollars downloading metal this weekend on ITunes:
ps. The ITunes purchase list included, but was not limited to:
–”Run To The Hills,” by Iron Maiden. As close to “Trogdor” as you’ll get in a real song. Oddly catchy despite Bruce Dickinson’s hysterical wailing upsetting the complete manliness of a song detailing both sides of the destruction of Native American life by American pioneers. From Songfacts.com:
The cover art for the single featured a Native American with an axe wrestling a devil in Hell.
Why bands don’t use demons more in their cover art now befuddles us. Is this part of the liberal media’s “War Against Hell”? Questioning minds want to know.
–”I’m the Man,” Anthrax. The intro to this proto-rap-rock song uses the line from “Hava Nagila” and sampled Sam Kinison screams. If you don’t want to download this song after hearing that, we can’t help you.
–”Welcome to the Jungle,” Guns ‘n Roses. Because “You’re gonna dieeeeeeeeeiiiyeaaaahhhh” still sounds like Axl means it.
Nathan from Golden Tornado redefines conference rankings with what may be the ultimate measure: mascot suckitude/non-suckitude. The ACC comes first, with a rundown of other conferences hopefully to follow. Fine work, Nathan–a bottle of Zybrowka for you tonight.
This picture, though, makes Testudo look adorably pitiful, like every one in the stadium just turned their backs on him all at once and broke his tiny reptilian heart:
Jim Bob Cooter, the actual, real, totally-not-fucking-making-this-up backup qb at Tennessee, has been suspended for “a violation of team rules,” according to the University of Tennessee’s press release today. This may have something to do with the DUI arrest of Cooter over the weekend at 3:25 a.m. in Knoxville–what, suddenly DUI is against Tennessee football team rules? What’ll they eliminate next: assault?–where Cooter was charged with DUI, underage consumption, and open container violations. (HT: Clay.)
Cooter, beer, cops…all sounds like the bullet points on a PowerPoint presentation about “Priorities of Talladega Tailgaters: What To Do On Race Weekend.” We’re thinking a solid 2 points for a DUI charge in the Fulmer Cup standings, putting Tennessee closer to respectability in the standings given last year’s epic run.
By the way, you have to love the sardonic niblets of fun staff writers slip into articles like this:
Cooter, who gained increasing popularity among the fans for his prototypical southern name, was expected to play a reserve role this season and be a scout team quarterback.
The following is a complete and total waste of time. Which means you’ll be reading the whole thing, right?
If it’s June, it must be time for a hearty dose of dumb. And by dumb we can only mean Heismanpundit, who earns our ire for this piece where our hero–bravely fighting the encroaching forces of reason and the demands of hiding his biases under a canopy of Colbert-esque objectivity and bluster–coolly submits his ranking of the conferences. Stand back. Prepare yourself to be shocked. Standing at the top of his rankings he has….(drumroll please)….
The Pac-10. (You may remove yourself from the floor now. Smelling salts are in the drawer.)
Orson, clad in powdered wig, collapses with shock.
Bold, 180-proof opinion there. Truthiness, you might say. Or the festering grudge of someone bent on constructing the college football world around their own bizarre axis of unsupported assertion. Either way you read it’s still dumb as hell as analysis, since it ignores record and fact in an effort to assert what the aforementioned writer will always assert anyway: the Pac-10 rules, offense is the only part of the game of football that matters, and you are both silly and dumb for doubting either.
We’ll extend a courtesy by actually refuting the point with evidence: there! All done. A much better blogger’s already done this for us, since SMQ is busy becoming the Borg of blogosphere, taking what you do well and doing it three times better while blogging at the insane pace of approximately 23,000 words a day. (Benzedrine: the breakfast of champions!) SMQ’s piece dismantles HP’s conference rankings as the worst of what “punditry” has to offer: opinion validated by cherry-picked facts delivered with blather and ostensible objectivity. (more…)
Rivals has an exceptional catch-up piece in their “Where Are They Now?” series with Gerard Phelan, the wideout on the receiving end of Doug Flutie’s last-second heave in Boston College’s 1984 defeat of the Miami Hurricanes. The piece is exceptional because they let Phelan ramble on about the game forever, which seems boring in theory…until you notice that you’re hooked and reading every word despite knowing exactly what happens in the end.
All of which you may watch below, courtesy of the magic of Youtube.
Insufficient evidence has Mark Sanchez off the hook on sexual assault charges. (Yes, break out the “he got off twice” jokes.) (HT: Jan.) The effects of the dismissal spread far and wide:
1. USC has a slightly more stable quarterback situation going into the season. This can only be good, since USC’s optimal record following Dynastic Peak (oh, somewhere around September 2005) meant that they could only finish at 9-3 this year.* Sanchez’s potential loss left John David Booty and his shaky back at starter, meaning a potential sub-optimal performance for the Trojans. Sanchez and Booty are now free to learn on the job and yet still disappoint irrational USC fans bent on willing their young team to perpetual national championships, leading all the way to the eventual 9-3 finish all reloading/declining dynasties enjoy.
2. USC will now lose points in the Fulmer Cup–all of them, if memory serves us correctly, since Sanchez was the lone traceable now non-offender in the bunch for USC this offseason. (Reggie Bush, as tantalizingly almost-connected as the case was, did not qualify for the Cup with his real estate coup.)
3. We now have yet another excuse to ref our favorite mediocre Bond flick, Licence to Kill.
He get away again. DAMN YOU SANCHEZ!!! (shakes fist at sky…)
*A matter of Biblical truth. Do not even attempt to dispute this with mad things like “numbers.”
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
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