Rivalry draws its reddest blood when it takes the form of…dueling punk bands? Yeah, sure; we’ll roll with that on a hectic Friday. (HT: John Doe.)

–The Wolverines entry: The Dropkick Woodys, who drop a Dead Milkmenesque bomb on Columbus with “I Spit on Woody’s Grave.” The lead singer sounds like a perfect facsimile of Rodney Dangerous, which merits points galore for reminding us of rolling on the floor listening to Beelzebubba.

–The Buckeyes’ entry: The Dead Schembechlers. As nice as “I Spit on Woody’s Grave” may be, “Ted Ginn” satisfies our Brasky/Norris/Hyperbole yen nicely with the lines:

Who built the Sphinx and Pyramids?
Who built the Eiffel Tower?
Then who tore down the Berlin Wall
With Marvel superpower?

Who fought off giant asteroids
To keep the earth from dyin’?
Who led the troops in World War Two
and then saved Private Ryan?

Ted Ginn! Ted Ginn!
Ted Ginn did everything!

Advantage: Woody, especially since the Buckeyes’ submission suggests that after losses to Ohio State, Lloyd Carr is left “to wring out his frilly pink panties.”

Fact: did everything.

Any guy who fits the breed description “tends to bloat” will hate, hate, hate this video of collegiate Greg Jones ordering two subway sandwiches, eating both, and still looking like Black Zeus with his shirt off. Sure, he’s a football player burning 8,000 calories a day (and was in college at the time) and appears to have won the genetic lottery body-wise, but the strength coaches had to pull their hairs out waiting for Jones’ metabolism to collapse, leaving them with a candy-chomping Pooh Bear Williams 2 on their hands.

Lot of mayonnaise. Lot a honey mustard. Lotta Ranch.

Minnesota Timberwolves center Eddie Griffin has been accused in a lawsuit of… and we’re not making this up…. being drunk and masturbating when he crashed into a parked car on March 30. Just drunk and masturbating, you say, doesn’t fully explain crashing into a parked car. Well, perhaps he was distracted by the porn eyewitnesses said he was watching at the time.

HT: Gatorsports

Prized Ohio State wide receiver recruit, Raymond Small, might not be suiting up for the Buckeyes next season after all. He is in a position that Michigan fans around the globe probably don’t believe exists… he’s qualified academically by the NCAA, but tOSU’s admissions are waivering on accepting him. Gator fans should feel symphathy for tOSU as we remember Lance Mitchell.

Sad does not begin to describe this: Randy Walker, head coach at Northwestern, died last night of a heart attack. The university’s set to have a press conference at 10:00 a.m. Walker had checked himself into a hospital for chest pains before, and had been diagnosed with myocarditis, a relatively rare viral infection of the heart.

Walker is survived by his wife and two adult children. Condolences to all at Northwestern and Miami of Ohio who knew, worked with, and watched Walker coach his rollicking brand of football. Shocking just doesn’t cover it right now.

Avery Atkins, Florida starting cornerback and amateur marriage counselor, will be granted a release from his scholarship at the University of Florida following an incident where he allegedly hit his girlfriend and babymomma upwards of twenty times and refused to let her out of a car. Meyer had refused the transfer previously, but the gaining traction of the story and Atkins’ clear inability to “keep shit together” added up to force Meyer’s hand in the case. He did, however, get to turn “kicked off the team” into something beneficent and magnanimous-sounding: “granted a release.” Excellent Newspeak work by the UAA there.

Meyer’s now lost two of his first recruiting gems in Atkins and Josh Portis. He’s also just lost his starting corner for real now, leaving the Gators with Reggie Nelson playing all four positions in the defensive backfield. That’s actually an exaggeration: we’ve got Ryan Smith, a former all-Mountain West transfer coming over to play under the new transfer rules stating that after a person finishes their career, they can play some more as a grad student without penalty. Did we mention how much we hate totally love that rule?

Say it while attempting to brim with confidence: Mountain West All-American and new starter. We’re not hyperventilating; that’s just us panting with excitement!

We hate the offseason.

Fire Mark May really is an amazing site. Not only do they get ESPN personalities like “Jim Rome” and “Trev Alberts” to post for them, but in picking what car would fit Florida best he opts for:

It seems like a great idea on paper, but it will probably take a few year’s to sort out in production.

Hovertank. Bad. Ass. They also have that Penn State dancing kid, who has likely already killed himself from shame.

Hovertank = Awesome.

Brent “Swingin’” Schaeffer, the transfer Ole Miss is counting on to show up and give them something resembling an offense this year, has still not completed his required coursework for the impending move to Oxford. Schaeffer only needs six hours of correspondence classes to complete his prereqs and should be in Oxford by the beginning of summer, according to his spokesperson/mother.

On a tangentially related note…reading back into the incident reports for both Schaeffer’s arrest and the Avery Atkins’ incident, this occurred to us: cell phones and text messaging have given the crisis management-impaired more fodder for wildly disproportionate responses to potential threats to their status. (Schaeffer’s case involved an argument over a cell phone, Atkins’ a text message that may or may not have been sent from his phone to another woman.)

For example, a normal person might have handled themselves thusly in the Brent Schaeffer situation:

Brent’s girl: Sir, I think that’s my cell phone.

Dude with phone: I don’t think so, ma’am. I bought it last week.

Brent’s girl: I think you’ve purchased stolen property then.

Dude with phone: Oh, my. Let’s call the proper authorities to clear this misunderstanding up.

Excellent crisis management! But let’s re-enact what likely happened here…

(The following is an EDSBS re-enactment. All participants are actors, and bad ones at that.)

Brent’s girl: I think that’s my phone, sir.

Dude: I don’t think so. I bought it last week.

Brent’s girl: Uh-huh. That’s my phone. Are you disrespecting me?

Dude: Wha–(Is brained by Brent Schaeffer before he can complete sentence and collapses bleeding to the floor.)

Not superb crisis management in that case. Since Myles Brand seeks to intervene in such vital areas as text messaging and offensive Indian mascots anyway, why has he neglected a crucial area as “Women and Digital Communication?” Important curriculum points would include:

–”Plausible Aliases: Never Break a Sweat While Never Breaking Cover”

–”Delete, delete, delete! The Beauty of An Empty Inbox.”

–”Case Study, Mike Vick: Hits and Misses from a Man With Two Cell Phones.”

Dos telephones por Senor Ron!

As an apology for this erroneous post about Marshawn Lynch, we promised a list of remarkable, Norris/Brasky-style things about the Cal phenom would appear on this site. Without further delay, we complete our penance for slandering Lynch with 27 Things You Did Not Know About Marshawn Lynch.

More talented than you know.

1. When ground to a powder, his toenails are an aphrodesiac. They may be found embedded in your ass, which he just finished kicking.

2. Owns that thing you want. Which thing? All of them, asshole.

3. Taught your mother how to hug with love, your sister how to fuck like a champ, and gave your grandmother a ride to the Safeway last week just to be nice.

4. Averaged 8.8 ypc as a freshman. (That one’s true.)

5. Won the battle of Tours in 732 by stiff-arming the entire Moorish army across the Straits of Gibraltar, but only after teaching them algebra first.

6. Is writing an eloquent thank-you card in your name as we speak which you have forgotten to do.

7. Made an A on his Industrial Design project last year. He called it “Assignment 3 in Papier-Mache.” You call it “the city of Tokyo.”

Stirring work, Marshawn.

8. Has 22s on his feet and perfectly shined chrome on his ass cheeks.

9. Appeared in a waterstain on the side of a bank in Fresno, drawing crowds of worshipers from miles around.

10. Regularly wins races as a driverless midget sprint car in California amateur circuits.

11. Sweats a nutritious liquid that tastes just like Jolly Ranchers and is high in Vitamin A.
(more…)

We cater to short attention spans. Rather than shoehorn an entire 38 minute interview into a single podcast, we bring you part one of our lengthy discussion with Bruce Feldman, writer for ESPN magazine and pro blogger extraordinaire.

The EDSBS Podcast: Bruce Feldman, Part One.

We recorded this a few weeks ago, but it’s all still current, save for the Ghana/Czechoslovakia update we give you in the intro. In part one we discuss Rich Rodriguez’s allure to other coaches, how much of a badass Patrick Willis truly is, and the fact that all possible texts ever written are contained within the Caddyshack script.

If you like to dance around like an idiot in public with odd white earbuds in your noggin, we’re up on ITunes, as well.

Bruce agrees that Patrick Willis is a complete badass. He’s seen here putting his skull through someone’s sternum.