SPURRIER TO RETURN FOR CEREMONY, COACHING JOB

Steve Spurrier plans to return to the Swamp September 2nd for a celebration honoring the 1996 National Championship team. Shortly after the ceremonies conclude, Spurrier has announced that he will put on the headset he wore for a decade as the Gators' coach and resume his career as the head man at Florida, despite the fact that the position is currently not empty.

"Yeah, I've been doing some work at Carolina. Good work, good people, you know, coachin' 'em up and winning a few ball games. But the time's come for me to return, and I think the Gator Nation's ready for a little Fun 'n Gun around here."

Early? Ursula? Urban? I'll be takin' my headset now...[sounds of indescribable violence.]

The announcement, made on Wednesday afternoon at the Columbia Country Club in Columbia, South Carolina, came as the latest surprise in a career highlighted by the unpredictable.

"We've got a coach, and we're quite happy with him," said Florida AD Jeremy Foley. "Steve Spurrier gave us everything we now have, but Urban Meyer's got the job. It's not like he can just walk over and take the headset. He's not going to do that, right?" Foley asked expectantly.

Spurrier, practicing his backswing on the tee of the eighth hole, sounded as if that was exactly what he intended to do.

"Yeah, just gonna walk over after the ceremony, grab a headset, and you know, call some ballplays. Pitchin. Catchin'. Gator football. We're gonna score, we're gonna play some defense. Make it real exciting for the fans who make it all possible. Get back to winning like champions do, right?" When reminded that Urban Meyer currently held the job, Spurrier simply commented that "It's a business, and sometimes you try real hard and still come up short. He had a good run, but it's time for us to take back the Swamp."

Spurrier then hit a slicing tee shot into a patch of yucca bushes, and threw his visor to the ground in disgust.

Urban Meyer, currently the nominal head coach of the Florida Gators, seemed taken aback by the announcement.

"I'm still the head coach here, as far as I know guys. If he wants to shake hands or something, that's fine. If he wants my headset he's going to have to nut up and take it off my head. If he wants my Blackberry,

I'll fucking bury him. Excuse me," said Meyer, feverishly texting away in his dark, gothic-decorated offices deep within the recesses of the Swamp.

Seventh-year dual degree student Micah Johnstone said he, for one, looked forward to Spurrier's announced return as head coach.

"As someone who's seen it all in Florida football recently, I'm stoked. Spurrier's the man! Meyer's all right, but 9-3? The Ol' Ball Coach did that with half his dick tied behind his back. It's just unacceptable. Did I mention that he's the man? THE MAN!!!" Johnstone also noted that he was taking summer classes for the third semester in a row in Costa Rica, and that the weed there "is so stanky it would catch Rick James on a fuckin' hook, man."

Micah Johnstone: stoked.

Foley, for one, hoped for the best.

"We certainly love and respect all Coach Spurrier has done for the university. But we don't want a security situation on the 2nd, much less between Spurrier and Meyer, since Spurrier's Mantis style would suffer under the Shooto-fighting Meyer's familiar with. No one wants to see the winningest coach in school history bleeding from his ears, do they?"

South Carolina AD President Andrew Sorensen was left scrambling for words.

"There's qualified candidates out there. Joe Paterno could use a change of scenery, and if he was willing to do it bringing Bobby Bowden to Gamecock football would really charge up the rivalry with Clemson. We might be able to arrange something where we hired someone else for nothing and just paid FSU to let us borrow him. You know, prop him up in the right hat and let him pretend to fiddle with the headset. He'd probably think he was in Tallahassee anyway, right? Feed him enough creamed corn and he'd do anything, that's what I've heard. That's off the record, y'all. Just checking."