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Around SBN: Kentucky Football: Tee Martin Reportedly Leaving for USC

SPURRIER TO RETURN FOR CEREMONY, COACHING JOB

Steve Spurrier plans to return to the Swamp September 2nd for a celebration honoring the 1996 National Championship team. Shortly after the ceremonies conclude, Spurrier has announced that he will put on the headset he wore for a decade as the Gators' coach and resume his career as the head man at Florida, despite the fact that the position is currently not empty.

"Yeah, I've been doing some work at Carolina. Good work, good people, you know, coachin' 'em up and winning a few ball games. But the time's come for me to return, and I think the Gator Nation's ready for a little Fun 'n Gun around here."


Early? Ursula? Urban? I'll be takin' my headset now...[sounds of indescribable violence.]

The announcement, made on Wednesday afternoon at the Columbia Country Club in Columbia, South Carolina, came as the latest surprise in a career highlighted by the unpredictable.

"We've got a coach, and we're quite happy with him," said Florida AD Jeremy Foley. "Steve Spurrier gave us everything we now have, but Urban Meyer's got the job. It's not like he can just walk over and take the headset. He's not going to do that, right?" Foley asked expectantly.

Spurrier, practicing his backswing on the tee of the eighth hole, sounded as if that was exactly what he intended to do.

"Yeah, just gonna walk over after the ceremony, grab a headset, and you know, call some ballplays. Pitchin. Catchin'. Gator football. We're gonna score, we're gonna play some defense. Make it real exciting for the fans who make it all possible. Get back to winning like champions do, right?" When reminded that Urban Meyer currently held the job, Spurrier simply commented that "It's a business, and sometimes you try real hard and still come up short. He had a good run, but it's time for us to take back the Swamp."

Spurrier then hit a slicing tee shot into a patch of yucca bushes, and threw his visor to the ground in disgust.

Urban Meyer, currently the nominal head coach of the Florida Gators, seemed taken aback by the announcement.

"I'm still the head coach here, as far as I know guys. If he wants to shake hands or something, that's fine. If he wants my headset he's going to have to nut up and take it off my head. If he wants my Blackberry,

Star-divide

I'll fucking bury him. Excuse me," said Meyer, feverishly texting away in his dark, gothic-decorated offices deep within the recesses of the Swamp.

Seventh-year dual degree student Micah Johnstone said he, for one, looked forward to Spurrier's announced return as head coach.

"As someone who's seen it all in Florida football recently, I'm stoked. Spurrier's the man! Meyer's all right, but 9-3? The Ol' Ball Coach did that with half his dick tied behind his back. It's just unacceptable. Did I mention that he's the man? THE MAN!!!" Johnstone also noted that he was taking summer classes for the third semester in a row in Costa Rica, and that the weed there "is so stanky it would catch Rick James on a fuckin' hook, man."


Micah Johnstone: stoked.

Foley, for one, hoped for the best.

"We certainly love and respect all Coach Spurrier has done for the university. But we don't want a security situation on the 2nd, much less between Spurrier and Meyer, since Spurrier's Mantis style would suffer under the Shooto-fighting Meyer's familiar with. No one wants to see the winningest coach in school history bleeding from his ears, do they?"

South Carolina AD President Andrew Sorensen was left scrambling for words.

"There's qualified candidates out there. Joe Paterno could use a change of scenery, and if he was willing to do it bringing Bobby Bowden to Gamecock football would really charge up the rivalry with Clemson. We might be able to arrange something where we hired someone else for nothing and just paid FSU to let us borrow him. You know, prop him up in the right hat and let him pretend to fiddle with the headset. He'd probably think he was in Tallahassee anyway, right? Feed him enough creamed corn and he'd do anything, that's what I've heard. That's off the record, y'all. Just checking."

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Satire thy name is Orson.

by GamecockTony on May 31, 2006 4:51 PM EDT reply actions  

Looks like SOS is marching into Gainesville like provincial power magnate Mehmed Ali on Instanbul (now Constantinople)in the 1880’s. F*ck the Pasha’s!

by socalirish on May 31, 2006 4:59 PM EDT reply actions  

Especially Talaat.

by Orson Swindle on May 31, 2006 5:03 PM EDT reply actions  

Scar going after Paterno or Bowden…classic.

Someone get Sorensen a shovel…because if and when JoePa and Bowden the Elder reject the offer, I’m sure he’ll be calling on the late Bear Bryant and/or Woody Hayes.

by SCarGamecocksSuck on May 31, 2006 5:06 PM EDT reply actions  

This was really really funny…

and I hate to be anal about this…

but Andrew Sorensen is not the AD, he’s the president… and my sworn arch-enemy… and the AntiChrist… and he wouldn’t say “y’all”, it’s beneath him

by RedTide on May 31, 2006 5:06 PM EDT reply actions  

RedTide is right. Andrew Sorenson is the President of the University of South Carolina. Eric Hyman is the AD.

by Mr. Egger on May 31, 2006 5:30 PM EDT reply actions  

Noted and corrected, with the error remaining to shame us.

by Orson Swindle on May 31, 2006 5:31 PM EDT reply actions  

You know, prop him up in the right hat and let him pretend to fiddle with the headset. He’d probably think he was in Tallahassee anyway, right?

That’s some funny shit.

by Corey on May 31, 2006 5:43 PM EDT reply actions  

I still can’t believe the Spurs is going to waltz onto Florida Field and take a right turn to the visitors sideline.

That is downright creepy.

I’d give it all for the CBS camera crew to film some drunkard student (as if they are any other kind!) poised with a urine balloon bomb … coiled and ready to let it fly … only to realize the sin he is about to commit and he brakes down in tears.

by DHC on May 31, 2006 5:55 PM EDT reply actions  

Hate to be particular … but Sorensen’s also from up Nawth … don’t think he’d use “y’all.”

But from a South Carolina fan, bravo … as long as it’s just satire…

by Gamecockfan on May 31, 2006 7:11 PM EDT reply actions  

I don’t think I say it enough, but you guys are the shit.

by tnirishfan on May 31, 2006 7:14 PM EDT reply actions  

Is it just me or is Little Steven looking more and more like Moe Howard every day? Or is it just that stupid fucking combover?

by dragonash on May 31, 2006 8:29 PM EDT reply actions  

Hate to be particular … but Sorensen’s also from up Nawth … don’t think he’d use “y’all.”

He was trying to blend in.

by Pat on May 31, 2006 8:35 PM EDT reply actions  

Wait a minute.

You mean to tell me that the Cock’s AD is Hyman?

by NewAZTiger on May 31, 2006 11:08 PM EDT reply actions  

Thats cool, u guys are celebrating the national title you should have split with Ohio State. At least thank them for beating ASU.

by Steve on Jun 1, 2006 12:33 AM EDT reply actions  

I have always enjoyed the delicious similarity of Florida fans about Spurrier with Kentucky fans about Pitino. Both had over the top coaches who were bigger than life that the fanbase still wishes they had…

by Heath on Jun 1, 2006 1:36 AM EDT reply actions  

Steve shouldn’t be committing a sex crime somewhere? I kid the buckeyes, I kid, but really I’ll share a piece of that title in my mind when TOSU gives Miami a piece of the title from that Fiesta Bowl, after all Miami won it and set the fireworks off before that PI was called.

by Socraticsilence on Jun 1, 2006 3:06 AM EDT reply actions  

Early? Ursula? Urban? I’ll be takin’ my headset now…[sounds of indescribable violence.]

That is why I keep coming here. Comedy.

by Andy on Jun 1, 2006 11:34 AM EDT reply actions  

Hu-hu-huh! He said Hyman.

The campus at USC hasn’t seen an intact Hyman in years.

by David - Go Dawgs! on Jun 1, 2006 12:24 PM EDT reply actions  

RedTide,

I’m lifelong Gamecock fan, and an ex-employee of the University. I live for the day that Sorensen packs up his sorry-ass bow tie, and takes his (worst president ever, and that includes a convicted felon: James Holderman) show on the road. Maybe there’s an opening at Auburn.

by MrNovember on Jun 1, 2006 12:34 PM EDT reply actions  

NewAZTiger has seen the irony:

Wait a minute.

You mean to tell me that the Cock’s AD is Hyman?

Comment by NewAZTiger — May 31, 2006 @ 11:08 pm

But from such a talented Farker, I can’t believe it took you so long!

by Gaimcock on Jun 2, 2006 8:12 AM EDT reply actions  

Heh. You wish. Get ready for Lesson #2 on November 11.

by Stephen Orr Spurrier on Jun 2, 2006 11:46 AM EDT reply actions  

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