STILL MORE TV CATCHUP: FOUTS TO PLAY-BY-PLAY
Michael Hiestand’s sports television column in USA Today manages to top out the maximum score for “most informative column written about least informative medium” on a monthly basis, making his predecessor Rudy Martzke look like the dog-track dwelling underbeing he is in comparison. (Martzke was best known for cracking on Pam Oliver’s clothes, which is a bad idea since Pam could beat him bloody with hand tied behind her back.)
Hiestand’s latest–playing catch-up here–Keith Jackson really does wield Godlike powers, since his rec of Dan Fouts–his color guy on ABC in the era prior to his retirement–got Fouts the job for the fall as the play-by-play announcer for ABC’s afternoon games this fall. Tim Brant will join him as color analyst. Fouts’ mighty beard will take over telestrator duties and provide occasional sideline support.
Mmmm. Beardy.
Paul MacGuire Maguire, part of the Sunday Night NFL crew generally regarded as a smug blight on the cable dial, will be divorced from his tumultous marriage with neurotic wife Joe Theismann at last and sent to work with the Nessler and Bob Griese on Saturday afternoons. Look up avuncular, and you will find Maguire’s picture; look up “cranky,” and you will find Bob Greise. Which brings up the obvious question: what angry god did Nessler spite to deserve this degree of punishment? We’re giving odds on when Griese drops an audible “please just shut the fuck up” to Maguire’s chipper patter: email us to place your bets. (We’re betting third week of October.)
Loading ...
1
mike says:
You mean that potentially during the Bama-Tenn game, we may see a throwdown on the field and in the booth. This just gets better and better.
May 26th, 2006 at 11:04 am
2
Johnny says:
Greise is probably already cursing the day Paul Maguire was born. I’m guessing that Paul will have an “accident” before the season starts, and Greise will be charged with battery or manslaughter depending on how much he pays Shane Stant to send Paul a message.
May 26th, 2006 at 11:20 am
3
BIGMIKE says:
I wonder if paul macguire will enjoy watching the feet and “telling us what” about college players as much as he did pro players.
“I tell ya what, watch his feet here…WATCH THEM!!! He keeps his feet moving JUST WATCH THEM!!!!! I tell ya what, that’s the key to this run right here, he keeps the feet moving.”
May 26th, 2006 at 11:37 am
4
Orson Swindle says:
Pitch-perfect, BigMike.
We’ll also be waiting for Griese to ask someone to get down off the shed.
May 26th, 2006 at 11:41 am
5
Adam says:
Orson, perhaps your former skills in the Hunt for Beano Cook could aid the process of getting rid of MacGuire? I’m sure we’d be happy to take u a collection for his immediate “departure” from broadcasting.
The worst part is MacGuire has been like this forever. I have Bills tapes from 1990 where he seems to drop the word “folks” every 3.4 seconds, who the hell does he think he is Bugs Bunny?
May 26th, 2006 at 11:42 am
6
PeteJayhawk says:
Maguire.
May 26th, 2006 at 11:48 am
7
AU03 says:
or Porky Pig?
May 26th, 2006 at 12:06 pm
8
E-Man says:
Orson,
How come no mention of this bomb dropped later in the article?
–
Other changes in ABC/ESPN/ESPN2’s college football on-air lineup include weekend studio analysts, such as Lou Holtz and Mark May, being scheduled to call weeknight games.
–
Imagining that both of them working the same game, I’m thinking that whoever gets in the middle of that mess is going to WISH he had Nessler’s job.
May 26th, 2006 at 12:07 pm
9
Doug says:
Oh, yippee, I can just picture Mark May calling, say, a Tuesday-night Akron-Ball State thrilla on the Deuce. “Ball State just can’t get anything going with the run today. I wouldn’t say their running game has been as disappointing as, say, Georgia’s — which, by the way, I just don’t buy any of the hype surrounding them this year — but they’ve really been looking one-dimensional today.” Cue equally non-sequiturish segue into how awesome the upcoming USC-Notre Dame game is going to be; go to break.
May 26th, 2006 at 12:12 pm
10
Orson Swindle says:
E-Man, we think we blocked that image from our heads forcibly. Don’t blame us for that.
May 26th, 2006 at 12:22 pm
11
BamaHamr says:
Funny stuff BigMIKE,
anyone know where Gottfreid sp? will end up this year? what’s the lowdown on his demotion last year?
May 26th, 2006 at 1:38 pm
12
Odell 51 says:
Sweet Lou in the Booth? Wow. I really didn’t think they would do it. I guess the universe has a way of making all things even. Musberger and Davie get to bash the hell out of ND for three games this year. I think Lou talking about ND during games just makes it even. The upside to all of this: “But Honey..It’s UTEP vs. Utah State. I have to watch.. Sweet Lou is in the booth!”
Lou is a great equalizer in my marrige and college football.
May 26th, 2006 at 1:38 pm
13
Rome says:
May and Holtz in the booth together? If only May would put a few marbles in his mouth, they could have a side game of who would slobber the most.
May 26th, 2006 at 1:40 pm
14
DevilGrad says:
As disdainful as May has always been toward non-BCS schools, I can only conclude that he’s in the final year of his contract, and the suits in Bristol have decided that they’d rather see him run away screaming than simply shit-can him once his deal is up.
Lou, OTOH, could be heading back to his roots. He played at Kent State — which, sadly, still fields DBs about Lou’s size.
May 26th, 2006 at 2:08 pm
15
Mark Hasty says:
Now, just imagine if Nessler had Musberger’s job, and vice versa. You’d have Nessler with Herbstreit and Davie, which might be one of the best three-man booths in any sport, ever. Plus you’d have Musberger with Griese and Maguire, which would be compelling TV if only to see whether Griese would defenestrate Musberger or Maguire first.
I mean, they’d have two teams worth watching, but for entirely different reasons.
May 26th, 2006 at 10:58 pm