Michael Hiestand’s sports television column in USA Today manages to top out the maximum score for “most informative column written about least informative medium” on a monthly basis, making his predecessor Rudy Martzke look like the dog-track dwelling underbeing he is in comparison. (Martzke was best known for cracking on Pam Oliver’s clothes, which is a bad idea since Pam could beat him bloody with hand tied behind her back.)

Hiestand’s latest–playing catch-up here–Keith Jackson really does wield Godlike powers, since his rec of Dan Fouts–his color guy on ABC in the era prior to his retirement–got Fouts the job for the fall as the play-by-play announcer for ABC’s afternoon games this fall. Tim Brant will join him as color analyst. Fouts’ mighty beard will take over telestrator duties and provide occasional sideline support.


Mmmm. Beardy.

Paul MacGuire Maguire, part of the Sunday Night NFL crew generally regarded as a smug blight on the cable dial, will be divorced from his tumultous marriage with neurotic wife Joe Theismann at last and sent to work with the Nessler and Bob Griese on Saturday afternoons. Look up avuncular, and you will find Maguire’s picture; look up “cranky,” and you will find Bob Greise. Which brings up the obvious question: what angry god did Nessler spite to deserve this degree of punishment? We’re giving odds on when Griese drops an audible “please just shut the fuck up” to Maguire’s chipper patter: email us to place your bets. (We’re betting third week of October.)