MOTIVATIONALS: THE FINAL CHAPTER
Okay, we promise: after much abuse of the Motivational Poster tool this week, this is our final batch of EDSBS Motivationals. Enjoy.
May 25, 2006
SYNERGY BITES YOU, THE VIEWER, IN THE ASS
We read this bit of news totally and completely the wrong way in great haste. We could pull it, but we whiffed in grand fashion and put it there anyway. We’ll leave it as is as a testament to our own ign’unce. but almost all of what you may read below is wrong.-ed.
The Golden Age of College GameDay–should you wonder, after “We’re comin–and we’re shittayyyy!!!” rang through your ears all season long–ended officially this week. Kirk Herbstreit will move to Saturday night football to work with the odd couple of Bob “Footbaw” Davie and Brent “Red Blooded Male” Musberger. (Gay men, according to Musberger, have green blood. So do guys who don’t find Jenn Sterger attractive, which includes us in the Martian blood category, we suppose. It’s the price we’ll pay to avoid being covered in bronzer each time we have sex with someone.)
Why your wife/girlfriend will suddenly lose interest in Gameday and make no plans for Saturday night this fall.
Doug Flutie will take over the Herbstreit studio spot, tragically sans mullet. Completely untrue–he’ll remain in the studio, with Flutie taking over his spot on Saturday ESPN games. The gives and takes are obvious: Herbstreit will bring his chipper moxie to a potentially disastrous Musberger-Davie blabomination, cutting through much of Davie’s footbaw talk while bringing a spontaneous human side to the broadcast, since Davie can be awfully wooden and Musberger always sounds like he’s announcing, even when he gets in chat mode with his cohorts. (After almost forty years in the booth, we imagine even Brent’s interactions with Indian IT support hotlines sounds like a game-breaking interception return. If this audiotape exists, we will gladly sell our souls to get it.)
It also means GameDay’s dead.Or doesn’t, actually. Though we’re sure they’ll find another way to monkey around with a good thing. At least Mark Shapiro won’t be around to give us more Sportstainment! Corso can only slide further into squinty obtuseness from this point, while Flutie will take at least a season to ease into the groove of things. That leaves prissy Fowler to carry the show, which he’s not capable of doing unless they allow him to leap into crowds and attack offensive sign holders on camera. Toss in your Lacheys, what will undoubtedly be the worst choice for a theme song you can think of (Taylor Hicks? Black Eyed Peas? SOUL PATROL!), and more cocked-up human interest stories like the one about how Matt Leinart overcame myopia (the HORROR!), and we’ll officially declare the program DOA for at least the next year.
Go get ‘em, Chris!
The only song we’d use for the theme song? Ace of Spades by Motorhead, accompanied by nothing but clips of massive hits. If it doesn’t sound badass beyond comprehension to you, we’ll just say that it killed when we showed a video just like it at our wedding. This part may be the only part still true after editing.
DAWGS BITE OFF SOME FULMER POINTS.
Someone impound Mudcat Elmore’s goddamned car and save UGA some serious trouble. The cursed car–which has not, thus far, grown attached to Mudcat and killed all rivals for his affections–has claimed another victim, this time Daniel Ellerbe, whose case wound up yesterday in Athens. The linebacker was given two days in jail and two years probation for a drunk driving incident where Ellerbe crashed Elmore’s car into a tree. Originally there was a charge of auto theft against Ellerbe, but Elmore helped clarify the confusion regarding exactly why his friend Ellerbe was behind the wheel in the first place:
Ellerbe was accused by police of taking Elmore’s 1988 Chevrolet Caprice without his permission, but Elmore said there was a “general practice among the circle of friends to share vehicles,” Mauldin said.
Good to know that Richt’s players, though driving drunk around Athens, aren’t doing in luxury vehicles in Mama’s name. An ‘88 Caprice isn’t exactly Escaladery, no matter how many rims you put on it. Still, when was the last time you agreed to share something as big as a car? It’s yet another chapter in UGA’s long history of petty but bothersome trouble with athletes and cars.
Fortunately, we have just the solution: the UGA Athletic Department Horse Pool. Save on gas, foster ecological awareness on campus, and give the Ag Department a chance to show off some of their fine animal husbandry work. Considering the near-deified status of athletes at UGA anyway, riding around on Arabians would only enhance their rank as a breed apart at the University. Plus: awarding Fulmer Cup points for RUI and trampling geeks on the quad would be far more entertaining than boring old DUI cases.
Total: two points, one for the dui charge, and one for being involved with Mudcat Elmore’s santeria-stricken car.
Mudcat Elmore’s car: not a 1958 Plymouth Fury.
OSU FANS “USING THE LIBRARY”
Okay, we’ll get this in a better format soon–YouTube, for example, with a bit of editing involved–but for now thank Odell51 for unearthing the most embarrassing bit of fanwear on public display since the alleged pedophile priest wearing a Notre Dame hat trotted out of a courtroom wearing an Irish cap.
Mission accomplished! We’re reposting simply because this clip is too good to deny after a late posting yesterday. That, and we haven’t had our coffee yet.
Go here and watch the clip until around the 1:40 mark; it’s a standard hyperventilating piece about the dangers of the public library. (The obvious solution to all these problems, it seems, is to close the libraries and burn them to the ground. We’re all behind this, since, like , who hasn’t heard of Amazon.com yet? Hellloooo?) When you see the guy in the OSU sweatshirt, then skip ahead to the 3:50 mark to see the exciting conclusion of the piece.
Assaulting reporters. Mustaches. Masturbating in public libraries. Living with parents. How they ever captured our readership so succinctly, we’ll never know.
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