Peter over at Burnt Orange Nation found this internet widget that, upon scanning an uploaded pic of your face, will tell you what celebrity you most resemble in terms of facial structure. Apparently, Peter most closely resembles Donald Trump, which is why VERY WEALTHY PEOPLE read his LUXURIOUS AND VERY WEALTHY BLOG. If he’s dating an Eastern European hooker, then this would be further testimony to the software’s amazing inferential powers.

We had to try us, of course. We’ll omit the source photo, but this software rocks our ass just because it told us we most closely resembled…

…Laurence Fishburne, which would explain why every time we see Angela Bassett on television we smack the set to the ground while screaming. We aren’t black, mind you, but we do wander around making strange prophecies while wearing a black leather trenchcoat. When Laurence does it, it’s cool; when we do it, the police call it “vagrancy.” Either way we’re thrilled to be a virtual dead ringer for the man.

This being the Rub-Al-Khali segment of the offseason–the long, pre-preview stretch between spring ball and the debut of the preview magazines–we decided to run a few others through the program and see what else might be divined from their celebrity facial similarities.

1. Ty Willingham…

…and Hidetoshi Nakata, Japanese football hero

Possible similarities: both have difficulty speaking meaningful English. Also both never seen on the recruiting trail. Will not vouch for Willingham’s status as a gay icon in Japan, though Notre Dame fans would certainly testify to his ability to suck in front of an audience of millions.

2. Urban Meyer

…and answer one: Mark Ruffalo, but answer two will be the choice of EDSBS official other:

Possible similarities. Unrestrained, raw animal sex appeal. Stunning baritone singing voice. Both raised Catholic. Both wildly popular in Germany.

Jim Tressel…

…and another man who ruled a fractious, underdeveloped nation with an iron hand…


Tito, hand me a tissue.

Possible Similarities. Hmm…fishy financing. Iconoclastic, stand-alone politics. Have each been shooed out of Sophia Loren’s kitchen by the lady herself. Willing to bet that Tito loved him some good hovercraft just like Jimmy T.

Phil Fulmer…

…and Yul Brenner

Possible similarities Difficulty breathing (Brenner due to only having one lung after cancer, Fulmer due to Fulmerdom.) Both weighed 165 pounds (Brenner at 32, Fulmer at 11.) Other than that, absolutely nothing.

[NAME REDACTED]

=Steven Seagal (54% match)

Possible similarities: Marked for Death (Seagal, film, Zook, job situation.) Both tend to spit out bad, cliched dialogue and run in a humorous fashion. Equally fond of attacking helpless targets (Seagal, hapless minions with kung fu brutality, [NAME REDACTED], Coke machines with his head.)

Mark “Manwich” Mangino…

…and Russian cosmonaut Pavel Belyayev

Possible similarities: Require thousands of pounds of thrust to get to their place of employment.

Mike Leach…

…and Errol Flynn.

Possible similarities: Both fans of pirates and rapid, easy penetration of defenses. Especially Errol.