SWIFTLY BECOMING ALABAMA MONDAY...

by Orson on May 22, 2006 11:16 AM EDT

...we didn't mean for this happen, but most of the good stories today are bubbling up out of Alabama. If this is actually true, then we finally understand how you wrote a whole book about this madness, Warren:

"Shula had to switch churches after being hounded by autograph seekers," reports Sports Illustrated, "including one who was waiting at the end of the communion line with a football."

(HT: The Wiz)

This means that we at EDSBS are now forced to lay down the law of when it's NOT appropriate to ask a coach for their autograph. These times include, but are not limited to:

1. While eating at a restaurant. No one wants to be remembered as the guy who caused the coach to choke to death on a cheese stick. (Or, if you're a Tennessee fan, on a cheese log.)

2. During obvious family time, as in while playing catch with daughter/son, etc.

3. Religious events, including weddings, baptisms, and weekly services. Obviously not a comon

4. In the middle of defecating in a public restroom. (If the coach is using your toilet, however, this is a perfectly acceptable and strategically advantageous time to ask. Holding the toilet paper hostage pending a signature is, however, poor form.)

5. During practice. Again, we didn't think we'd have to write this, but after the mauling deaths of several Ole Miss fans approaching the Orgeron mid-drill, we can't stress this enough. It could mean your life.

6. While drinking. Your fantasy might be to swig beers with the Ol' Ball Coach, but be warned: coaches know their barstools and know them well. Be especially careful in Athens, Ohio, where bartenders consider GHB to be "a no-cost extra" for certain patrons. Also exercise caution if drinking with Dennis Erickson--you very well might wake up pantsless in Mexico. (Which may be what you wanted all along.)

7. While having sex. This is especially true if you are having sex with the coach in question. Wait until afterwards to request an autograph to exercise the proper amount of courtesy and restraint.

Um, before we start the bypass, would you sign this football? It's for my, uh...son.

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Or as Mike Price can attest to… In a strip club. Unless it gets you in the champagne room.

by corey bailey on May 22, 2006 11:19 AM EDT reply actions

They were obviously enamoured with his public speaking ability, which borders on the absurd. His name isn’t Shuluh for nothing.

I’d love to see a You Tube for his first press conference.

by Auburn Fan on May 22, 2006 11:34 AM EDT reply actions

The church thing is just downright absurd. I heard about it a few days ago and was just stunned (and was hoping it would escape the notice of the CFB blogosphere.) Sometimes our fans are a complete embarrassment.

by Nico on May 22, 2006 11:40 AM EDT reply actions

Thanks for tip #7. Wish I would have known in advance. Coach Fulmer was really upset with me.

by Ned Beatty on May 22, 2006 11:42 AM EDT reply actions

Yes, I’m sure this is an anomaly and that, usually, the residents and fans of Alabama are wonderful examples of humanity at its best.

by PeteJayhawk on May 22, 2006 11:50 AM EDT reply actions

In the case of Ty, he will never sign an autograph while he is working on his handicap. He will however sign them while on the recruiting trail. This must be why his autograph is so rare.

by Joe on May 22, 2006 11:57 AM EDT reply actions

Places not to ask Pete Carrol for an autograph:
1. Tops of buildings while staging suicides
2. The salon
3. The District Attorney’s office
4. The Medici Apartments
5. While house hunting in San Diego

by Joe on May 22, 2006 11:59 AM EDT reply actions

This story kind of makes Bama fans look bad, it’s true, but it doesn’t exactly say much for Catholics either. I know we approach the ritual of churchgoing a bit more casually than the Protestants do — to wit, one-hour services as opposed to two or three, and a dress code that is, shall we say, relaxed — but Holy Communion’s still kind of a big f$#!ing deal and is generally not considered appropriate for autograph solicitation.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t think it would be funny if Shula came out of a confession both and the proest hollered after him, “HEY SHULA! HEY SHULA! HEY SHULA! I JUST FORGAVE THE HELL OUT OF YOU!”

by Doug on May 22, 2006 12:16 PM EDT reply actions

Nico, you misspelled “Usually”

by NewAZTiger on May 22, 2006 12:23 PM EDT reply actions

PeteJayhawk, come on. I know there are men lining up to fellate Bill Self in church every Sunday…oh sorry, every church but one.

by rob on May 22, 2006 12:52 PM EDT reply actions

The church thing was featured in This Week’s Sign of the Apocolypse If I’m not mistaken.

I suppose any urinal to urinal conversation about autographs is off limits as well?

Oh and Doug, I get in and out for 40 mins a week, amazing what a 6:30 mass can do!

by Adam on May 22, 2006 12:54 PM EDT reply actions

Yeah, the nice thing about the 6ish masses is the “no singing” rule.

by rob on May 22, 2006 12:56 PM EDT reply actions

Fats Fullmer doesn;t mind giving up the old autograph as long as you catch him on the salty snacks lane in the grocery market. Try to get him in fruits and vegetables and its on baby.

by Rome on May 22, 2006 1:02 PM EDT reply actions

Since we are on the conversation of communion lines…….

I had a priest, ND alum, who instead of saying " The body of Christ" would drop lines like " Go Notre Dame" and “Lou Holtz is the man” whenever my family took communion. This of course made me love that guy. AND NOT IN THE WAY ALL OF YOU ARE THINKING!!!!!!

But I was tempted……
Does this make me a blind mountain climber?

by Odell 51 on May 22, 2006 1:21 PM EDT reply actions

Nah, it just means you got a cool Priest. No reason why faith and CF can’t get along

by Adam on May 22, 2006 1:30 PM EDT reply actions

You ate the body of Lou Holtz?

Blech.

by NewAZTiger on May 22, 2006 1:41 PM EDT reply actions

Tasted like pickles, we bet. And probation.

by Orson Swindle on May 22, 2006 1:54 PM EDT reply actions

He tasted like Heisman Trophies and National Championships.

I’m sure he tastes like cock(s) now.

YEAAAAHHHHH!!!!!
The hits just keep coming!!!!!!
I’m on fire today.

by Odell 51 on May 22, 2006 1:54 PM EDT reply actions

You’re not on fire. It’s just your herpes flaring back up.

by NewAZTiger on May 22, 2006 1:59 PM EDT reply actions

Your right, it’s the herpes or my hemroids. Either way, I am spitting hot fire.

by Odell 51 on May 22, 2006 2:03 PM EDT reply actions

Is it true that ESPN has refused to fire Lou because they can’t handle going on probation next year?

by Will Collier on May 22, 2006 2:13 PM EDT reply actions

No, it’s that Lou’s a part of the ESPN-Big Ten-Notre Dame axis that makes jagoffs like Dick Vitale say Michigan-Ohio State is the biggest rivalry in college football.

by Newspaper Hack on May 22, 2006 5:14 PM EDT reply actions

Places not to ask for a UCLA player’s autograph

1) At a house party
2) In the wreckage of an overturned SUV. (You can’t anyway because they are drunk and have left the scene).
3) In the handicapped parking spaces.
4) at Denny’s. http://tinyurl.com/m7d6m

by phil on May 22, 2006 6:58 PM EDT reply actions