Everyday Should Be Saturday

May 22, 2006

TY WILLINGHAM=HIDETOSHI NAKATA

Peter over at Burnt Orange Nation found this internet widget that, upon scanning an uploaded pic of your face, will tell you what celebrity you most resemble in terms of facial structure. Apparently, Peter most closely resembles Donald Trump, which is why VERY WEALTHY PEOPLE read his LUXURIOUS AND VERY WEALTHY BLOG. If he’s dating an Eastern European hooker, then this would be further testimony to the software’s amazing inferential powers.

We had to try us, of course. We’ll omit the source photo, but this software rocks our ass just because it told us we most closely resembled…

…Laurence Fishburne, which would explain why every time we see Angela Bassett on television we smack the set to the ground while screaming. We aren’t black, mind you, but we do wander around making strange prophecies while wearing a black leather trenchcoat. When Laurence does it, it’s cool; when we do it, the police call it “vagrancy.” Either way we’re thrilled to be a virtual dead ringer for the man.

This being the Rub-Al-Khali segment of the offseason–the long, pre-preview stretch between spring ball and the debut of the preview magazines–we decided to run a few others through the program and see what else might be divined from their celebrity facial similarities.

1. Ty Willingham…

…and Hidetoshi Nakata, Japanese football hero

Possible similarities: both have difficulty speaking meaningful English. Also both never seen on the recruiting trail. (more…)



Filed under: Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football  by Orson Swindle

SWIFTLY BECOMING ALABAMA MONDAY…

…we didn’t mean for this happen, but most of the good stories today are bubbling up out of Alabama. If this is actually true, then we finally understand how you wrote a whole book about this madness, Warren:

“Shula had to switch churches after being hounded by autograph seekers,” reports Sports Illustrated, “including one who was waiting at the end of the communion line with a football.”

(HT: The Wiz)

This means that we at EDSBS are now forced to lay down the law of when it’s NOT appropriate to ask a coach for their autograph. These times include, but are not limited to:

1. While eating at a restaurant. No one wants to be remembered as the guy who caused the coach to choke to death on a cheese stick. (Or, if you’re a Tennessee fan, on a cheese log.)

2. During obvious family time, as in while playing catch with daughter/son, etc.

3. Religious events, including weddings, baptisms, and weekly services. Obviously not a comon

4. In the middle of defecating in a public restroom. (If the coach is using your toilet, however, this is a perfectly acceptable and strategically advantageous time to ask. Holding the toilet paper hostage pending a signature is, however, poor form.)

5. During practice. Again, we didn’t think we’d have to write this, but after the mauling deaths of several Ole Miss fans approaching the Orgeron mid-drill, we can’t stress this enough. It could mean your life.

6. While drinking. Your fantasy might be to swig beers with the Ol’ Ball Coach, but be warned: coaches know their barstools and know them well. Be especially careful in Athens, Ohio, where bartenders consider GHB to be “a no-cost extra” for certain patrons. Also exercise caution if drinking with Dennis Erickson–you very well might wake up pantsless in Mexico. (Which may be what you wanted all along.)

7. While having sex. This is especially true if you are having sex with the coach in question. Wait until afterwards to request an autograph to exercise the proper amount of courtesy and restraint.


Um, before we start the bypass, would you sign this football? It’s for my, uh…son.



Filed under: Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Southeastern Conference  by Orson Swindle

SHULA BUBBLE TAKES KNOCK: JUWAN SIMPSON ENTERS BAMA INTO FULMER CUP

Mike Shula’s one great selling point has been his stability. Well, that and winning the genetic lottery along with causing Warrick Dunn more pain than any human on the planet during his time as OC for the Tampa Bay Bucs. His plays seemed to be designed to maim the tiny back, especially “Jets Trips WD HB Screen Sans Blockers,” and “Tango Tight High and Floaty Over The Middle To Warrick Just In Front Of The Safety.”

But besides shortening Warrick Dunn’s lifespan by two years, Shula has breathed life into the Bama program with his mayonnaise personality, ability to surround himself with savvy veteran coaching, and a nearly complete lack of serious trouble in critical offseasons. He’s building a fine bubble for the program, and this isn’t a subtle jab at him either, since Shula as a coach has pretty much been defined: a bland, competent administrator-type whose virtues lay in his steady hand and delegating ability.

Picking veteran talent like, man, that danged old Joe Kines has made all the dang difference for that there Shula, man.

(We can hear the hell coming, Bama fans. It’s okay. He’s boring. We’ve got a coach who’s trying to run a mongrel spread option with the world’s greatest flag football quarterback. And to beat you to the punch:

Taht’s a lotta smack for someone who lost to the Tide 31-3! ROLL TIDE

There. We’ve said it so you won’t have to. See you September 30th.)

The thrust of this is that Shula’s built a nice bubble around the program, and excepting a DUI arrest by John Parker Wilson, everyone’s had the common courtesy to avoid getting arrested and befouling the bubble with the fart of serious trouble. Which is what makes Juwan Simpson’s arrest over the weekend for marijuana possession, unlicensed handgun possession, and receiving stolen property so aberrant. Simpson is one of the golden boys of the Bama community, a team leader, double degree seeker (um, in financial planning and criminal justice) and the recipient of the Derrick Thomas Award for community involvement. Him getting popped for anything looks worse than a back bencher getting nailed for the same, much less for the cliched marijuana/handgun charges duo with a chaser of stolen property.

Given Simpson’s farting up the Shula bubble over the weekend, we herald the arrival of Bama in the Fulmer Cup standings with a solid three point award, one for each misdemeanor charge in Simpson’s case. Speaking of bubbles, we were watching an entirely different type of bubble last night in Centennial Park in Atlanta, one containing Wayne Coyne of the Flaming Lips:


Juwan Simpson got arrested. We got blasted with confetti and balloons. All in a weekend.



Filed under: Southeastern Conference  by Orson Swindle

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