FANTHOLOGY OF POETRY: LIMERICKS

In 1907 there was a game
that brought Alabama some fame.
The Iron Bowl finished 7 to 7
and Alabama was in such heaven
that it took Crimson Tide as its name.

I follow this team from the Bend
whose reputation is sure on the mend
so what if our coach is too fat
I don’t really care about that
if we beat all you chumps in the end

…and it only tok me 30 seconds to write!

The poor Dawgpound at ole UGA
Can barely remember the day
when both Auburn and Florida
were defeated before ya
If you remeber ’82 yell Horray!

There was a dear coach named Ty
Irish Fans thought he was the guy
A mistake was made
The Race Card was played
After 2-9, Husky fans ask “why” ?

There’s a Gopher coach name Glen Mason
It’s a big Big Ten Title he’s been chasin
He beats up on the WAC
The Big Ten kicks his sack
Year’s of mediocrity he’s been wastin

In November last fall the Noles got romped
By a score of 34-7 inside the Swamp
So afterwards they would whine
“Oh but we had injuries on our offensive line”
And in 2006 once again they shall be chomped

There is this coach for the Wash U Huskies
Who says he’s a “molder of men” for your kiddies
Of recruiting for the future he isn’t a fan
Instead he’s got other times ahead to plan
Could you hand him his nine iron please?

I’d say the early leader in the clubhouse is NewAZtiger. Orson, what’s the ruling on the # of syllables needed per line?

This is the year the spread will peak
As soon as I plug my feminine Leak
Of course, I’m a genius of sorts
Says Bianchi and Herbie and even Boortz
And, my legs look great in these jorts

During this slow time of year
there’s not much to talk about here.
All we can do is wait
for a fall ESPN Date
To learn who the “Best Team Ever” is this year.

Auburn:
The place on the Plains is a dump
That resembles a pimply rump
The coeds are sleazy
The schedule is easy
And frat boys date goats they can hump

nole, i’m pretty sure that last line is suppose to rhyme with peak and leak. you know, a, a, b, b, a. i suppose rhyme scheme isn’t covered at FSU, what with all the attention on juggling and fitting as many as you can into a very small car.

The greatest team since I’ve been alive
could score on any one drive.
They didn’t have flash
and barely did pass.
Invincible were the Huskers of ’95.

In ‘96 Spurrier was the leader
And ole Florida, it was tough to beat ’er
A decade later, we’re a cocky crowd
’Cause he and Danny made us proud
And rumors still fly about his huge peter

A signal caller that came after Rix
hoped to not throw as many picks.
But when faced with his shot
his brain started to rot
And they blamed it all on the ticks!

The WWL of sports media
Declared SC best for millenia
But then Huff stuffed White
On that fateful Rose Bowl Night
Now Leinart has Hilton’s chlamydia

- or -

ESPN sent sturdy Ms Rowe
To south Central, for a season long blow
It all came undone
with Vince’s last run
Now to South Bend Ms Rowe (and chapstick) will go

- or -

Bruins fans are almost in heaven
as Trojan scandals their dark moods do leaven
UCLA might get the win
from forfeits for sin
But they still lost by 47

- or -

Notre Dame fans were trash talkin’
When Weiss snagged the young QB Clausen
But Domers, look at Vols
And their complete lack of balls
Your best MNC hope is Quinn’s mojo workin’

“Shouldn’t Dynasties win more than One?”
Was a corndog’s idea of fun.
But as the smoke clears
it certainly appears
that Dynasties might have won none.

And frat boys date goats they can hump

SJ, that’s the Deke’s at BAMA.

There once was a place in Alabam,
About 50 miles west of the ’Ham,
The co-eds say OK,
When asked to swallow a BJ,
And after every home Iron Bowl, the Bammers say, DAMN!!!"

You’re all brilliant. Keep going—especially AZTiger, who appears to have the lead going into the clubhouse.

Adam – at FSU, we didn’t spend time with pedantic outlets like limmericks or other bathroom stall tomfollery.

Now, obscene lyrics about my psycho ex from my sophmore year set to AC/DC tunes, THAT was the literary equivalent of the creation of the heavens and the Earth.

While most of us are in bed asleep
The Beavers are drinking a heap.
When looking to score
in abscense of whores,
you’ll settle by banging gay sheep.

Grr, should’ve been They’ll settle by banging gay sheep. Stupid gay sheep.

wears orange like the color of tang
in utah, he created a bang
used the Irish did he
to obtain much more money
from the gators of america’s wang

The Huskers these days are fair
Throwing passes with unusual flair
But if you hang around
They’ll go back to the ground
And send Callahan you know where

Michael Adams sure likes to wail
bout how them Dawgs drink by the pail.
But plead all he may
we’re still going to say
“The Dawgs again lost the Cocktail”.

There once was a coach named Jim Tressel
An Escalade his players’ preferred vessel
He sold his soul for Clarrett
Fans in the know sure would bet
With the NCAA soon will he wrestle

College football’s important to me
On Saturdays it fills me with glee
But one thing I hate
Is my cable’s current slate
When will I get the Duece in HD?

A quest for a 3-pete did fail
At this the Bruins all did regale.
Of their problems this was first,
But they would only get worse.
Dirty Sanchez soon was in jail.

This is like Rap for homo’s.
Stop. can’t take it much longer. I’m going to implode.

At Texas they can run the ball.
In winter, in springtime, and fall.
If you’re having fits
when glaucoma hits
The running back is just down the hall.

“Now Leinart has Hilton’s chlamydia”

C’est formidable, monsieur.

You’re fucking killing us here. Please keep going.

Central SC is the location
on gameday there is intoxication
what else will we do for grins
we’ll hire Spurrier away from the Skins
But, alas, Holtz left us on probation

That Florida coach, (name redacted),
Many fine recruits (name redacted) atrracted,
Misuse of these fine pieces
Made Orson cry “Christ Jesus!”
OMG! URBAN- they soon contacted

Some things will just bring a big smile
even after it has been a while
Like back in the day
When Florida said hey
to its fans with a big crocodile.

There’s a school in kelly green and white
Who’s fan once started a fight.
the MAC all knew they were gay,
So they ran off to C-USA
And now pay too much for flights

In 2005 the Vols were easy to beat
6 times they left the field in defeat
While the fans in Knoxville were grumbling
The belly of Fulmer was rumbling
Better go get something to eat

NewAZTiger-
IF only you could use your powers for good… great beaver limmerick.

The players snatch playstations up,
even though they’re still just a pup.
With this last arrest,
the coach quit for poultry.
So give Marshall the damn Fulmer Cup!

There once was a team called the ’Horns
That Aggies and Sooners would scorn
Along came a QB called VY
A hyperspeed giraffe that could fly
And lo the Burnt Orange pride was reborn

There once was a coach name Lloyd,
A good punt he always enjoyed.
But his team is now OSU’s bitch,
And Michigan fans, a fit they pitch.
While in Columbus, the NCAA they avoid.

Early in January when the days are cold
We sat in our living rooms watching “legends” we’re told
The Orange Bowl they coached was dismal at best
When suddenly we screamed at our own unrest
“Please, please retire! You’re so very very old!”

There once was a ‘back named R. Taylor
Who liked to smoke weed in his trailer
A riot ensued,
And now he is screwed,
Who knew he was such an inhaler?

For Coach Fulmer the outlook is hazy
and the players at UT have been lazy
but he doesn’t fear
they’ll be better this year
It’s lack of funyuns that’s driving him crazy!

There once was a coach named Bob Pruett
When told not to cheat, he said “Screw it!
I’ve got all these props
Marshall Reynolds has mops
There’s bucks to be made, so let’s do it!”

The DOMER NATION is led by Weis,

To bacon and Cheetos, he will never say: “No Dice”,

The Faithful are full of hopes,

Including Tailgating Notre Dame Dancing and Drinking Dopes,

They’ll do the robot and the worm,

Just before a Top 25 team whacks them upside the head and makes them squirm,

“Wait till next year”, they will say, and pray, night and day,

And still, a Boston College, tOSU, Michigan or USC will make them pay,

They will cry about “cheety this” or “cheety that”,

But Domer Fan, stop yer cryin’ and get off the mat, rat.

Your heart was in it Stacey Keibler, but lets work on the technique

There once was a coach named Reed

Some felt he was smoking the weed

His offense was a pity

His defense was shitty

And finally, the AD took heed

Ryno:

I think my limerick is like my singing – AWFUL!

But, it was fun taking a stab at this thing.

In Florida there once was a QB
And Shula, he wanted to see.
He hung out all day
Hoping the kid would play
But he signed with the Gators, with glee.

There once was a school in Green and White
Who thought a move to C-USA was alright
Their fans yelled “Hooray,
we’ll travel all the way,
but will my Chevette make it to Rice?"

At Bama, the players get paid
And head coaches the other schools raid.
They take their knowledge
to Kentucky and Millsaps College
And Duke’s stadium is named after Wade.

Technique? I think Keibler’s quasi-retarded. After glancing over 40+ limericks you’d think one would catch on to the format. Guess he couldn’t wait to come up with another classic SKLM-ism that involved bashing the Irish. Here’s one for ya Stace:

Little Stacey loves to bash Notre Dame
Yet his comments are a wee-bit lame
He should have finished school
But he was too much of a tool
Now posting on EDSBS is his claim to fame

Since I already covered my alma mater, UCLA, and Notre Dame, I thought I’d try the rest of the PAC 10…

The Huskies up north shout “bow down”
Though since 91 no solo Pac 10 crown
The AD’s effort to please
Caused a spike in greens fees
Since golfing Tyrone came to town

Confused about being Cardinal and Tree
Young wits at Stanford don’t know who they be
Sure they’re smarter than us
But you don’t need an abacus
To count Tree’s wins in Silicon Valley

The Cal Bears despaired at QB
When Ayoob couldn’t hit the Tower of Berkeley
Longshore’s better we’re told
The starter’s job he may hold
But Tedford’s still working the ros-ary

It’s not the fault of the Ducks
The extent to which each uniform sucks
All that money from Knight
Leaves no choice but to give fright
From the sweat-work of Juans, Rajs, and Ducs

The Sun Devils thought that they’d won
At halftime in the hot Tempe sun
But the final score showed
While SC’s first half blowed
Never bow ‘fore the FOOTBAW game’s done

A stadium refit in Corvallis
Gave Benton County a shiny new palace
The hicks went for a ride
On the escalator inside
And rested their favorite sheep Alice

The Wildcats are a team tough to beat
though they lose many games in the heat
but their cheerleaders so fine
are are not filmed supine
lifting an ASU skirt for man-meat

The Wazzoo crowds bring the noise
Watching near-miss defeats with great poise
but Pullman’s a tough sell
when you’re not doing so well
and the nearest big city is Boise

(you try finding something to work with here)

and a bonus UCLA one:

The Bruins have improved with Dorrell
After Toledo had put them through hell
But last year’s ten wins
Fell down on their shins
While the Trojans were ringing the bell

DC Trojan—you’ve found your niche. Limerick writer for the stars. If only this were medieval Ireland, you’d be a feared man.

Born 500 years too late, alas.

A Tiger RB named Collins
Committed more crimes than Nawlins
Smoked all dat herb
Threw his team to the curb
He dominates all prison yard ballins

Our quarterback would surely be better
In our division, we’d be the pace-setter
But he was terrible, that Davis
And the defense could not save us
Another season, alas, we did fritter

Once Hobnail_Boot had the gall to say
My research was not up to hay
His seven years of college
not a dime’s worth of knowledge
Another degree from UGA.

McSweatervest can coach up a win
Recruiting with a wink and a grin
Why worry about grades
When you have Escolades
Just ask the dad of Ted Ginn

or

Will Paterno catch Bowden? Fat chance
There’s not enough time in this dance
It’s time for both of these men
To admit they’re hasbeen
and don some “oops I just crapped my pants”

If chlamydia rhymed with millenia, DC Trojan would be the hands-down winner of this little competition. As it stands I vote him in a draw with newAZTiger. I also give props to Bob Gomez’s only entry.

ok, never mind what I said before, DC Trojan wins the limerick writing MNC as voted by blog commentors (didn’t have post 54 up before I put in my initial votes). Also wins “most idle time” award…

tc:

You did not get it…..

SKLM is a man that does not live his life by standard conventions, even in limerick writing.

Yeah, he gave it the old college try and failed, just like your beloved notre dame does against top 25 teams!

Notre Dan: there’s nothing like being between projects and having authorized limerick writing time.

The man at CU was Barnett
Behind his desk, he could have been set.
A rape took place.
Red was his face.
Out on his ass you can bet.

Last chance at redemption….

Matt from SC was a yeoman
Regal, and royal, and a showman
But one night in a Hilton,
Left wee willie wiltin’
And gave him new meaning of Trojan

Ole Miss, they wanted some Joy
So they hired a coach from Troy
He ripped of his clothes
and challenged those
players to become Wild Boyz!

Try as he may
Carr can’t play
5-1 against tressel and the bucks
Carr just sucks
In Michigan they wonder why does he stay?

okay I suck at this limerick thing but how about haikus?

Henne is crazy
tasty babies does he eat
add a dash of salt

Ode To Ole Miss…

Could Something Be Brewin’ in Dixie?
Coach O making waves is not easy
Will he whoop some ass
on the turf and the grass
and prove that his ways are not sleazy?

Up North they’re not happy with Coach Carr.
His conservative play-calling has gone too far.
Coach Lloyd and his staff must know
They lose to the Bucks again, they’ll go.
If we’re fired, we can join Brent Musberger at the bar!

Come fall we celebrate this game
We bring tradition and glory and fame
We go to watch Charlie
We drink Hops and Barley
We Love thee Notre Dame

Many a school that’s canned its coach,
Louisville’s Petrino they do approach.
Each time Bobby swears to stay,
And the Cards do increase his pay,
But in the end some school will still poach.

I saw coach O on the road
Many recruiting seeds he has sowed
He works his ass off
Yet still they scoff
And try to paint him a toad

In 06 Clemson is dreaming of glory once more
This story is beginning to bore.
Let me remind you
81’s steroids and cash are behind you
And Laura Bowden’s been slammed more times than a door!

stacy keibler’s love once shone as a ray
when her and i did romp in the hay
but the cherry was sour
after i stole her flower
thank god she now loves one who’s gay

This is all I got:

“Saturday”

Hundreds of miles we drove
To set up shop in the grove
The bourbon flows like wine
and we all remember the time
of our lives before we betroth!

Behold our reciever named Samardzija

On the feild, he… uhh,ummmm

   ahhhh $@#3&% it! Bring on Georgia Tech!

Great effort, though, JP.

“a man?”

Mocking Ms. Keibler?

How dare you!

Don’t be jelous because she loves me and not you, little man!

Showing contempt for the opponents through which he must slog,
As he nears the endzone, he slows to a jog.
The praise from the booth is often laid thick,
Even if not always on the younger Vick.
Hey, there’s big bro in the stands eating a hot dog.

Looking quite regal,
Brown came from nowhere to slay an Eagle.
Of passing the coaches were wary,
So the ball Brown did many times carry.
Southern Miss had been made to look feeble.

So there’s some dude who thinks Stacey K. “luvs” him
he spouts versus the Irish with great vim
his arguments suck
but who gives a fuck
since his chances of landing her are quite slim

I never tire hearing Auburn fans accusing Bama of paying players. It’s like a murder talking smack to a guy who got in a bar fight.

That’s “murderer,” dammit. I guess I won’t get that copy editing job, after all.

AllWhoYonder

I’d like to think of it as HER chances of landing ME are quite slim.

But, good job of not blasing her like little “man” did in a previous schlimerick.

should be “blasting” and not “blasing”…

another spelling mistake….gotta get a double next time….

SKLM-
It’d be great if the stars were after us. Good luck with that…

There once was a coach named [NAME REDACTED]
Bubble Screens filled his playbook
He yelled at frat boys
Then fled to Illinoize
He was run out of town like a crook

“More to come….” God, I hope not.

There was a coach named Meyer
Who pathetically is a crier
His gators got pounded by Bama
And after the game the drama
His tears exposed a fraud and a liar!

For the unediting Newspaper Hack
in the South it’s a well known fact
When the Tide paid by the bail
Auburn got put into jail
I’ll let Huie finish the smack.

Ah, I see I’ve been stricken with your affliction. /s/bail/bale.

C’est la vie.

9-9-5-5-9, AABBA. It’s not a hockey team’s record, it’s how you write a limerick. Think “The Man From Nantucket.”

At Va Tech they’re all sex offenders,
‘Cause Blacksburg’s a hole and it renders,
A man to a creep,
When they spies them a sheep,
All Hokies become forced rear-enders.

Not great, but the syllables work.

Most Eagles have great SATs,
And a ‘Cane? She can show me her B’s,
And I hate to complain,
But Is Swofford insane?
Let’s get rid of these redneck Hokies.

There once was a coach in Gainesville,
Whose offense took a year to instill,
Said to the Haters,
“Watch out for them Gators,
We’re back and we’re ready to kill.”

tastelessly inspired by the unfortunate spate of attacks and a three-year hiatus borne of [Name Redacted]…

There once was a fish named Ralph. He lived in a small apartment with his wife. He did not beat her, but he threatened to do just that. They remained married for quite a while until the show was cancelled.

NewAZTiger~

You amaze me with your douchery. If you had simply looked up the history of the “G” logo, you’d have found that in fact Green Bay uses the same logo as Georgia.

Why I’m stooping to your level, I have no idea.

That Notre Dame wideout Samardzija?
He smokes so much weed it’d scar-ja.
His buddy said, “Dude,
Don’t smoke in the nude—”
“Stop nagging me, Tommy, I h’ard-ja!”