We were going to make this up, but then it happened. And we COULDN’T be HAPPIER if our lives depended on IT.

Correct: you are looking at the banner ad for Chris Rix’s own “Champion Training Academy, LLC,” which is precisely what we would have named our mighty Bloodsport-themed metal band if Tweezer-Boy up there hadn’t already stolen it and made it moldy lame by association. (We’re still going to do a band just to perform “Fight to Survive.” Do not invite us to your party, because that is our only song, and our shows will be three hours long because that is what real bands do.)

The site may not be safe for work simply because of the number of guffaw-worthy items on it. The mission statement alone is worth a few giggles at least, since it looks like it fell into a barrel of HTML emphasis tags and couldn’t get out:

Champion Training Academy, LLC takes pride in training its clients. That’s why Champion guarantees improvement following just one training session…or you investment is fully returned.

In order to become a CHAMPION…you must first train like a CHAMPION!

~AIM FOR GREATNESS!

We COULDN’T agree more: you investment is obviously very, VERY important to Chris Rix. The whole site is like some internet transposition of a Puritan broadside, a nightmare of EMPHASIS gone AMOK. Personal notes from Rix must read like ransom notes, all over the page with nonsensical words like THE and SINCERELY written in huge, Crayon-hued letters.

The services offered by Champion do tickle the imagination. Take the “QB Factory,” for example–it offers an eight-part package, taught by Rix himself, to guide a QB into lean, mean, fully waxed shape. The eighth step intrigues us:

8. Knowledge and Understanding of different/various COVERAGES…

We did a little homework, and got a hold of the materials Champion uses to teach coverages. We suspect that they combine a little bit of Rix with the fine, Shaolin training Jeff Bowden gave him at FSU. Most of them look something like this:

And yes, it worked against Florida twice. Don’t remind us–we blame [NAME REDACTED], seen here showing off the number of wins he had last year. We’re going to go strangle puppies now until we feel better, but in the meantime, heed the words of Chris Rix: Aim for Greatness! And sometimes hit the free safety in stride…