…CAME THE FIRST GODDAMNED PREVIEW MAGAZINE!!!

Apologies for the yelling, but we made an audible “WHOOTCHAAAA!” when, trolling the magazine racks for our super mansome staples (like Bust, the women’s magazine that takes geeky women and hots ‘em up for the newsrack. Don’t deny it–you read a woman’s magazine and do not admit it, most likely Cosmo, the mag whose horribly misguided sex advice column has hurt the asses, nipples, and other tender erogenous zones of men for decades now thanks to varying suggestions involving teeth, inserted fingers, and candle wax. At least we pick the one that has advertisements for Eazy-E Landscape Portraits and dildo cozies in the back…)…we espied the orange print “SEC” and leapt across the aisle to find the Sporting News’ spanking new SEC Preview OMFG THANK YOU JEEBUS!!!

We know you want this, but sadly, it’s gone. Fortunately, the Loverboy pants are still in stock.

We’ll review the whole thing tomorrow once we get a chance to digest it. We mean literally, since we ate three copies of it in a joyous fit in the middle of the store. At $7.50 a pop, we could have had a hanger steak and fingerling potatoes for that price–instead we chose to eat the sweet prose of Tom Dienhart, which in retrospect wasn’t that great an idea to begin with. Excuse us…