AND LIKE THE DAFFODILS IN FEBRUARY...

by Orson on May 16, 2006 9:41 AM EDT

...CAME THE FIRST GODDAMNED PREVIEW MAGAZINE!!!

Apologies for the yelling, but we made an audible "WHOOTCHAAAA!" when, trolling the magazine racks for our super mansome staples (like Bust, the women's magazine that takes geeky women and hots 'em up for the newsrack. Don't deny it--you read a woman's magazine and do not admit it, most likely Cosmo, the mag whose horribly misguided sex advice column has hurt the asses, nipples, and other tender erogenous zones of men for decades now thanks to varying suggestions involving teeth, inserted fingers, and candle wax. At least we pick the one that has advertisements for Eazy-E Landscape Portraits and dildo cozies in the back...)...we espied the orange print "SEC" and leapt across the aisle to find the Sporting News' spanking new SEC Preview OMFG THANK YOU JEEBUS!!!

We know you want this, but sadly, it's gone. Fortunately, the Loverboy pants are still in stock.

We'll review the whole thing tomorrow once we get a chance to digest it. We mean literally, since we ate three copies of it in a joyous fit in the middle of the store. At $7.50 a pop, we could have had a hanger steak and fingerling potatoes for that price--instead we chose to eat the sweet prose of Tom Dienhart, which in retrospect wasn't that great an idea to begin with. Excuse us...

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Thanks for the heads up. And I may get around to the football preview at some point, too.

by DevilGrad on May 16, 2006 9:57 AM EDT reply actions

Bullshit! Rigged! I can’t find my Jackets in the top 10. WTF! What do you have to do to get noticed? Score? Thats overrated…..

by Chan Gailey on May 16, 2006 10:21 AM EDT reply actions

The season doesn’t officially start until Phil Steele comes down from the mount with two slabs of stone he’s carved his preview into.

by NoleinTexas on May 16, 2006 10:33 AM EDT reply actions

True, NIT. But we’ll take anything in mid-May. Hell, we’d read Matt Hayes right now. That’s a starvation diet if we’ve ever heard it.

by Orson Swindle on May 16, 2006 11:15 AM EDT reply actions

Pfft…Tina Fey was a sorority queen at UVA. That nerd stuff is a total sham.

by Ian on May 16, 2006 11:30 AM EDT reply actions

Ian, don’t destroy our fantasy bunker. It’s warm in here.

by Orson Swindle on May 16, 2006 11:32 AM EDT reply actions

I don’t care if Tina Fey was a sorority queen at UVA, she can subject me to withering sarcasm anytime.

by DC Trojan on May 16, 2006 12:26 PM EDT reply actions

Ahhh… Fantasy Bunkers.

My most recent one got destroyed two weeks ago by a secretary letting the secret slip on the new clerk who walks around with size jumongous-DDs, apparently has some sort of water-filled bra, and her actuals are much more modest.

Amazing what women talk about in the bathrooms.

by E-Man on May 16, 2006 12:30 PM EDT reply actions

Were you in the bathroom at the time, E-Man?

by Orson Swindle on May 16, 2006 12:31 PM EDT reply actions

Who hasn’t really needed some t-p and slipped into a ladies’ room stall… for 3 hours.

by bitterhorn on May 16, 2006 1:02 PM EDT reply actions

I met a gal with the bra in question. Total letdown. Remind me to stuff an extra-wide garden hose in my pants next time I hit the bars.

by Newspaper Hack on May 16, 2006 2:48 PM EDT reply actions

Personally, I prefer the Phipps preseason guide…has all the numbers and stats that you could ever imagine. But I’ll take what I can get in May. By the way, love the choice of uniform for Brandon Siler on the cover—marketing synergy!

by rob on May 16, 2006 2:54 PM EDT reply actions