No lead in here: Ramonce Taylor of the University of Texas is arrested with FIVE POUNDS OF MARIJUANA. You may not know much about marijuana, but living in the Sunshine State for six and a half years gives you a kind of honorary associate’s degree in pharmacology. Given those credentials, we’ll tell you that five pounds of marijuana would keep Matthew McConoughey red-eyed and playing naked bongos for a long, long time, and take an average smoker light-years of concentrated lung-scorching to come close to consuming.

Ramonce Taylor on a mountain vacation, or Indonesia’s Mount Merapi? You decide.

The story, like Taylor’s Mystikal-sized bag of chiba, takes on Texas-sized proportions. First, the fight sparking the phone call attracting police came as a result of a fight involving one hundred people. We would not call that a “fight”; the more accurate word would be “insurrection,” “riot,” or “revolution,” and when it happens overseas you’re usually plucked from the scene by a squad of marines and a Black Hawk.

Second, Taylor–who gets impressive moron points for calling the police in the first place with five pounds of marijuana on his person–wasn’t a second team scrub. Taylor scored fifteen touchdowns for the ‘Horns last season, a multi-talented back with speed and power as comfortable taking the pitch from Vince Young as he was catching the ball on swing passes. Texas only has fifteen running backs capable of replacing him, sure, but chemistry’s a tricky thing, and Taylor played a large role in Texas running ramshod over their slate in 2005.

(Positives: EDSBS fave and Drax the Destroyer double 6-3, 270 lb Henry Melton gets one step closer to the starting spot with the arrest. Henry smash!)

Fulmer Cup points for this one will be tricky, but we think we’ve got it. We award Texas the following:

1 point for marijuana possession
1 point for possessing “Nate Newton-esque” amounts of weed
1 point for being associated with a one hundred person insurrection
1 point for “imperial hubris” points. (Awarded to standing national champions for all major violations in year following championship.)

Texas totals four Fulmer Cup points. Fine work, gentlemen–now who’s gonna get Austin high with the Longhorn’s own Sir Smoke-A-Lot behind the wall?