Everyday Should Be Saturday

May 15, 2006

LONGTIME NOTRE DAME ANNOUNCER AXED. BLAME ILLUMINATI.

We think this is a Da Vinci Code tie-in: Tony Roberts, longtime Notre Dame play-by-play man, has been fired by Westwood One for saying Jesus married Mary Magdalene revealing the secrets of the Swiss Guards making fun of Tom Hanks lanky hair…something, we suppose. (HT: Bill.) Both parties have scratched their heads publicly at this point, which has the Dan Brown conspiracy machine/bad prose constructor working over time in our heads. Did Roberts know too much? Is their a pentacle and a hashashin involved? Can Audrey Tautou somehow overcome the strictures of a PG-13 rating and somehow expose her breasts in the course of this story just to keep us interested? Or at least, hoping to be interested?

It’s the offseason. We’re looking for hope.

In all seriousness, it doesn’t seem that Roberts enjoys the austere regard reserved for the Larry Munsons of the broadcasting world–if anything, the Irish Council, internet division, seems just a tad taken aback without too much emotional trauma. Roberts could just as well end up on NBC, potentially replacing Tom “Scary Facelift ‘After’ Photo” Hammond just in time to screw the lofty-haired veteran out of his pension. (We know how short money is over at NBC sports, what with the antediluvian mikes and complaint letters they write to us on the flip side of old Dick Ebersol memos. That Dick gave great memo, by the way.)

If he can’t find work there, just remember: there’s always room for one more at Chik-Fil-A.



Filed under: Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Notre Dame, Uncategorized  by Orson Swindle

FOOTBALL PIONEER PASSES AWAY

Harold Robinson, the first black scholarship athlete in the Big Seven, which later became the Big 12 Conference, passed away at the age of 76. Robinson joined the Kansas State Wildcat’s squad in 1949 and played under coach Ralph M. Graham just two years after Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier in baseball. College football owes Robinson and other fearless integration pioneers a debt of honor and gratitude. Thank you and rest in peace.



Filed under: Big 12 Conference, College football  by Stranko Montana

GRADUATION MONDAY: OUT ‘TIL AFTERNOON

The Conscience of a Nation will be walking at her graduation from The University of Much Esteem today, so we will be out until the afternoon at least. Cue Pomp and Circumstance.



Filed under: Uncategorized  by Orson Swindle

UGA PRESIDENT MICHAEL ADAMS: IXNAY ON THE UNFAY

As a young man, freshly bloodied from his latest schoolyard beating at the hands of the girls’ chorus, future UGA president Michael Adams vowed to himself to make them all think he was a total, unrelenting assface of a man–every last fucking one of them. Having accomplished this goal and some at the University of Georgia, Adams is taking his “I am a total fucking assface” campaign nationwide, attempting to persuade CBS and the rest of the universe not to use the “World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party” moniker for the UGA-UF game in Jacksonville.

“There are better images,” Adams told The Atlanta Journal-Constitution. “We have requested they not use that nomenclature. The indication is they are sensitive to our concern.”

It’s on, fucktard. It. Is. On. UGA and UF fans had no common enemy before, but Michael Adams has given us what Mother Nature and centuries of redneck competition couldn’t. We propose that instead of referring to the party as the “World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party,” we use the following “better” images instead:

–”World’s Largest Fisting Party”
–”World’s Largest Coke Orgy”
–”World’s Largest Herp-fest”
–”World’s Largest Jorts Convention”
–”World’s Largest Outdoor Middle Aged Swingers’ Ball”

Please–add to the dialogue with your own protest title below.


Michael Adams can kiss the woman’s ass.



Filed under: Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Southeastern Conference  by Orson Swindle

STILL SMOKIN’: RAMONCE TAYLOR WANTS TO GET YOU HIIIIIIGGGGH.

No lead in here: Ramonce Taylor of the University of Texas is arrested with FIVE POUNDS OF MARIJUANA. You may not know much about marijuana, but living in the Sunshine State for six and a half years gives you a kind of honorary associate’s degree in pharmacology. Given those credentials, we’ll tell you that five pounds of marijuana would keep Matthew McConoughey red-eyed and playing naked bongos for a long, long time, and take an average smoker light-years of concentrated lung-scorching to come close to consuming.

Ramonce Taylor on a mountain vacation, or Indonesia’s Mount Merapi? You decide.

The story, like Taylor’s Mystikal-sized bag of chiba, takes on Texas-sized proportions. First, the fight sparking the phone call attracting police came as a result of a fight involving one hundred people. We would not call that a “fight”; the more accurate word would be “insurrection,” “riot,” or “revolution,” and when it happens overseas you’re usually plucked from the scene by a squad of marines and a Black Hawk.

Second, Taylor–who gets impressive moron points for calling the police in the first place with five pounds of marijuana on his person–wasn’t a second team scrub. Taylor scored fifteen touchdowns for the ‘Horns last season, a multi-talented back with speed and power as comfortable taking the pitch from Vince Young as he was catching the ball on swing passes. Texas only has fifteen running backs capable of replacing him, sure, but chemistry’s a tricky thing, and Taylor played a large role in Texas running ramshod over their slate in 2005.

(Positives: EDSBS fave and Drax the Destroyer double 6-3, 270 lb Henry Melton gets one step closer to the starting spot with the arrest. Henry smash!)

Fulmer Cup points for this one will be tricky, but we think we’ve got it. We award Texas the following:

1 point for marijuana possession
1 point for possessing “Nate Newton-esque” amounts of weed
1 point for being associated with a one hundred person insurrection
1 point for “imperial hubris” points. (Awarded to standing national champions for all major violations in year following championship.)

Texas totals four Fulmer Cup points. Fine work, gentlemen–now who’s gonna get Austin high with the Longhorn’s own Sir Smoke-A-Lot behind the wall?



Filed under: Big 12 Conference, Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football  by Orson Swindle

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