THE EDSBS RELATIVE UNHAPPINESS SCALE, 2006 OFFSEASON
by Orson on May 9, 2006 10:45 AM EDT
Email
PrintBefore you view the latest awe-inspiring infographic from EDSBS Labs ("Where FORTRAN is still king!",) you'll need the key to make sure you understand the complexities of what your stunned eyes are looking at. The following is a graphic representation of fan unhappiness in the 2006 offseason as indexed for several prominent teams around the nation. None come from the West Coast, because you're all just too blissed out there at the moment to worry too much about football. Also, no one's really flailing too badly out there at the moment, though we'll give Ty Willingham the benefit of the doubt in the long run--he could appear on this list quite early next season with a few embarrassing losses followed by long, luxurious weekday afternoons spent coping on the links.
EDSBS Labs: We leave Muppet Labs in the dust.
The key:
Harvey Korman as Hedley Lamarr= Dennis Franchione. Not only for the physical resemblance, but for the all-too-often self-proclaimed genius of the man. His mind is a-glow with whirling transient nodes of thought, careening through a cosmic vapor of invention. His defense, however, sucks, which in Texas is only acceptable in Lubbock.
Stay-Puf in Orange=Phil Fulmer. If you couldn't guess this, then you must have stumbled onto this blog looking for "Brady Quinn shirtless." There's better sites for that.
Michigan Punts=Lloyd Carr. As in Lloyd's favorite soup, Split Punt Soup. Or his autobiography, "Punt Punt Punt: A Punter's Punt of Puntdom." Or his favorite Kentucky Derby Winner, Punt Given. Or his favorite playwright, Harold Punter. As Lloyd would say: "Punt."
Possessed Wannstedt= the Wannstache.
Uncle Fester=Larry Coker. Physical resemblance only, as we cannot confirm that Larry Coker banged Joan Cusack.
Elton John=Bobby Bowden. Really an insult to Elton, but a nod to Bobby's tasteful hats and glasses ensembles over the last few years, along with a passing, "squint when drunk" resemblance to each other. A few Elton John song titles do come to mind, when we think of Bowden and FSU in 2006:
--"Sixty Years On."
--"All the Nasties"
--"The King Must Die"
--"The Bitch is Back"
--"Have Mercy on the Criminal"
--"Screw You"
--"I'm Still Standing"
All data in this study was produced by Magnum, P.I., who just took your girl on a ride in the chopper with T.C. before seducing her on kayak in the moonlight.
Click below for the full chart:
You may also click here for the Mangino-sized version.
16 comments
|
0 recs |
Do you like this story?
Comments
Reminds me of a chart in my master’s thesis, except this one is both funny and useful, whereas mine only made me question what I was doing with my life and why I was collecting the data instead of Thomas Magnum.
by The Drizzle on May 9, 2006 11:05 AM EDT reply actions
By the way, I still want credit for the Hedley Lamarr reference. I gave that one to you guys last year. I want that one on my incredibly short list of insignificant internet accomplishments.
by Bill on May 9, 2006 11:11 AM EDT reply actions
A towering monument to ingenuity. Lloyd will take the top spot next season if Michigan is 8-5 or 9-4 or something else sucky in 2006.
by Joey on May 9, 2006 11:28 AM EDT reply actions
Well done. However, two quibbles:
An empty noose is worse than nucular holocaust? Really?
What’s the third picture down on the y-axis? Can’t tell, kinda dark.
by PeteJayhawk on May 9, 2006 12:24 PM EDT reply actions
God darnit Mr. Lamarr, you use your tongue prettier than a twenty dollar whore.
No mention of LSU’s bid for the cup yet? I’ve been waiting like a giddy schoolgirl for the EDSBS interpretation of the charge.
by Taggart on May 9, 2006 12:30 PM EDT reply actions
Hedley Lamar? Nah, just listen to Francine talk. She’s actually Liberace.
by Will Collier on May 9, 2006 1:06 PM EDT reply actions
Harold Punter. Unfreakinbelievable, guys. Harold motherfuckin’ Punter.
Tom Kant Stoppard = Karl Dorrell
Federico Garcia Sacka = Erik Ainge
David Maim It = Mike Shula (yeah, low blow, sue me)
Vaclav “Exiled to a” Havel = George O’Leary
Eugene O’Step On Someone Else’s Neill = Marcus Vick
Jean-Paul GHBre = Frank Solich
Thornton “Girls Gone” Wilder = Mike Price
by jonathantu on May 9, 2006 1:18 PM EDT reply actions
And upon further review, there’s also the possibility of Oscar “Girls Gone” Wilde = Mike Price, as well. He’s a very versatile man, especially with that pick-axe of his.
by jonathantu on May 9, 2006 1:19 PM EDT reply actions
After the 34-7 trouncing, you could certainly add “Crocodile Rock” to the list of Elton John/Bowden classics. Although the genus may be off, you wouldn’t know it by looking at our 2003 media guide.
by Philly Gator on May 9, 2006 2:00 PM EDT reply actions
Or even Gene “Girls Gone” Wilder as the Waco
College StationKid
by Fecil on May 9, 2006 4:35 PM EDT reply actions
I’m on my third gin and tonic(yes, with a lime in a tumbler size glass)after having to drive from Birmingham to Orange Beach to check on a job we are almost finished with. I left the house at 5:30 A.M. CDT and arrived in Orange Beach at 9:30
Left OB at 1:00P.M. and arrived back in B’ham at 5:15P.M. I come to this site and read this drivel. Whoever wrote this is fired!!
by dragonash on May 9, 2006 8:37 PM EDT reply actions
Hedly Lamar = Franchione? L O friggin L! You have gained a new reader. Keep up the good work. rtr
by bama_buck on May 9, 2006 8:52 PM EDT reply actions
Dragonash, for the best drunk post ever you get a free EDSBS t-shirt.
by Orson Swindle on May 9, 2006 10:52 PM EDT reply actions
the third pic down sure looks like the scene from Scanners. Scary stuff, but definitely not as scary as a full-on Orgeron-ing.
by Andrew on May 9, 2006 11:28 PM EDT reply actions
Comments For This Post Are Closed
Secondary Sidebar
User Tools
FanPosts
Community blog posts and discussion.
Certain photos copyright © 2012 by Associated Press or Getty Images. Any commercial use or distribution without the express written consent of Associated Press and Getty Images is strictly prohibited.
