It’s not even football season, and West Coasters are throwing down the gauntlet in the couch-burning wars. The next and inevitable step in collegiate celebration: naked burning couch jumping.
Sure, it gets cold in Morgantown. But champions come through when their teams really need it.
Taste the genius of Big Mike with the updated Fulmer Cup scoreboard:
You may see the full board here. A few clarifications and notes are in order:
–The Miss. State score will have to come down with the reduction of all charges to a misdemeanor this week. This should land them somewhere around a 6, though the jury may award them an extra pair of style points for beating up a cop, even if he was off-duty. This would put 2-A Delaware back firmly in the lead for their Tarentino incident involving teammates staging armed home invasions against other teammates for cash, steroids, and other drugs.
–Still a shocking silence from the Florida State and Miami camps. The two could still team up for a scoreboard shattering double hit with a cartel/human trafficking/Scarface episode, but we doubt it’s going to happen at this point since both teams had trouble scoring anything (points or drugs) towards the end of last season.
–Wisconsin, Marshall, and Purdue all lurk within easy striking distance here, having compiled impressive totals one small crime at a time. We’d put our money on Marshall, since Matthew McConaughey just shot a movie there and may have spread the dance fever that is naked bongo-playing to the locals, including the football players.
–Tennessee, despite making their debut this week, cannot be given additional points for booting Raymond Henderson off the squad, since he wasn’t charged with anything. As much as we dislike Phil (who is very, very fat,) we have some standards around here.
–Note the new ingredients of the cup. There’s reasons our sponsor changed…
According to the venerable Anderson Independent-Mail (via Tigerpundit):
On to college football, where the Clemson coaching staff is perturbed about an alleged last-minute recruiting heist Florida tried to pull with CJ Spiller, who signed with the Tigers anyway.
As the story goes, Florida sent one of its top players on a lengthy drive to see Spiller and keep him busy on the eve of signing day. If the story is true, Florida could be in for some trouble with the NCAA. …
AAAAAGGGHHH!!! Grab our old Y2K survival kit! Get the gun! SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET THE GUN! Only the strong will survive…
We love it when reporters serve as a direct pipeline for the gripes of a coaching staff, as John Brasier is clearly doing here. Doesn’t mean the Clemson staff’s lying about the allegation, either; in fact, who couldn’t believe that Urban Meyer had a Predator drone, three Bothan spies, and Valerie Plame following C.J. Spiller around on Signing Day, besides sending a key UF player on a long drive to keep Spiller busy that night? We’d believe anything regarding recruiting when it comes to a handful of buccaneer recruiters: Meyer, Orgeron, Carroll, etc.
If you see one of these painted orange and blue, you may be highly touted.
But why not name the player, if the rumor has such legs? Isn’t that what the magic word “allegedly” does for the intrepid journalist in question? Or you could just do what the Clemson coaching staff did, which is float an allegation just to muddy the waters for Meyer after a long, bitter recruiting battle for a VHT…which Clemson eventually won. It’s not dirty, it’s not necessarily false–though proving intent and documenting such a violation would make bringing the charge a fruitless effort on Clemson’s part–but it’s certainly curious.
Longtime reader and West Coast mensch Kanu’s blog Dodgy at Best has been all over the Kentucky Derby this week, which involves tiny men riding huge animals travelling at high speed in front of 100,000 very, very addled people. We know nothing about this sport whatsoever, besides this: those midgets in silk are total badasses.
Midgets can flourish in all sports: Travis McGriff, our favorite UF wideout evah.
Certain non-holidays garner our respect with sheer ballsiness. Father’s Day comes to mind; while Mother’s Day makes perfect sense–any chance to make offspring feel guilty for passing an eight pound mass through your genitals!–Father’s Day shouldn’t exist at all, since neither offspring nor paterfamilias gives a right shit in either direction. In fact, we’re sure that for Father’s Day, most fathers would just like to be left alone, given alcohol, and allowed to weep silently in a dark garage instead of being peppered with ugly ties and cards.
Cinco de Mayo should be mentioned, too, since it represents an entire nation getting excited about a military victory by the Mexican army over the…French. To repeat, that nation was Mexico, not the United States, which is actually the country where millions will celebrate by eating fried corn chips, heart-raping jalapeno poppers, and going pantsless in strange parking lots after drinking five Texas margaritas with the office. You have to respect the chutzpah involved in foisting a lame Mexican holiday on desperately bored American drinkers, or at least admire the creative permutations of carbolicious appetizers created specifically for the occasion (the deep-fried, nacho-loaded ‘tater skin, the chicken finger-stuffed taco.)
So perhaps it’s in the spirit of the fake holiday that Sylvester Croom put on his torero’s cap and said ¡olé! to disciplining the six Miss State players involved in beating an off-duty cop last month.
“The legal system has worked, and our players have been penalized by the court,” Croom said.
All will be reinstated over the summer and be ready in time to face South Carolina in their August 31st opener. ¡Olé!
Senor Croom plays the part of el matador.
Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
Comments? Questions? Long strings of profanities directed at something we said? Please send your comments to harumphharumph -a- yahoo -dot- com. Please direct all tailgating photos and stories to edsbsfans -a- gmail -dot- com.
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