DRAFT RECAP: I'M THE QUARTERBACK, I'M POPULAR

For those of us who are too poor for ESPN or NFL network, listening to Greenberg constantly babble about the Jets for 6 hours was perhaps the closest to the pain childbirth any of us (men) will ever get.

Apparently, according to Floyd Reese, God chose Vince Young. He stated that he got down on his knees and prayed and it came to him that Vince Young will redefine the position for years to come. Chow was fighting for Leinart pretty much until up to the moment the card was sent to the table naming the pick. Several articles say that it seems like Young was chosen for the next coaching staff, and this one is on its way out soon.

So many places are saying that Chow chose to pass on Leinart. He didn’t, Reese did.

I was shocked DeGory didn’t get drafted…a future of cutting down trees without an axe beckons.

How fortunate that Orson has COAN to liven up draft day. For the fifteenth year in a row, I bailed on all televised coverage of the draft. Everything about the NFL draft is so bad that it makes a scoreless tie between elementary school soccer teams look like the Super Bowl by comparison.

In other news, Mel Kiper Jr’s hair was selcted in the second round, #39 overall.

i’m surprised Mel’s hair went so high. I was expected a Werewolf, who i saw drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic’s, to go higher.

check this out

In good news, DW-47 was picked by Jacksonville, where he can defend the northern border of the Sunshine State.

That sign ain’t no joke.

Good news for Arizona fans. Now when the Cards lose, Leinart can reassure fanbase that “the better team lost today”.

excellent Ben Folds reference

Shit. I forgot I have the NFL channel. They just added it.

I don’t know, maybe I don’t examine enough men while they’re crying, but it sure looked to me that Vernon was crying because he was going to the freekin’ 49ers. Usually tears of joy are accompanied by at least a little bit of a smile, in my mind anyway. I actually thought he looked sadder than Leinart and his “what is this I’m tasting, is it bile or the $10 million dollars I threw away last year?” look as he slipped ever farther in the draft…

I didn’t think it was possible to dislike Berman more than I already did. I was wrong. Watching Leinart fall through the first 10 picks almost made up for it. You could almost see him calculating in his head the money he was losing and had lost by not going number one last year. Kiper with his hair and big glasses, screaming at the top of his lungs, has become one of the more bizarre sights in all of TV. To complete the theater of the bizarre they needed to have John Clayton on set. Clayton, Berman, Kiper plus that goofy ass Suzy Kolber and her cartoon character voice would be the perfect on set team.

I can’t believe I forgot that it was on the NFL channel.

I tuned in briefly on Saturday afternoon to watch a little bit of the draft coverage on ESPN — curiosity got the better of me, I’ve never bothered before. My not-quite-four-year-old daughter said of Chris Berman,“That man is talking badly… he’s lying! He’s lying!”

I think you give Berman a bum rap. He’s harmless and occassionally charming. Makes me want to destroy all televisions and satelites far less than the likes of Stephen A . Smith, or more topically Mark May or Trev Alberts (RIP)

No, we give Berman the finger before demolishing the set, purchasing a new one, and then demolishing that one. He’s evil incarnate, and should be the subject of UN sanctions.

At least Stephen A. Smith shows effort, just like the kids in the Special Olympics.

I watched a little of both NFL network and ESPN, and I’d say the coverage was about even, actually. Yes, Berman made me want to punch everything nearby, including myself, right in the cock. And Suzy Kolber makes losing-control-of-an-interview an art.

But the NFL Network people were almost as bad. Eisen was smarmy every time I turned it on, and everyone else they had were on the level of C-team 2-4AM ESPN News anchors or former beat writers that define not-ready-for-prime-time.

I actually gave ESPN the edge because of their far far far far superior ticker. NFL Net’s scroll showed trades half the time and important “upcoming programming” notices. Weak.

But I will say something nice: Jaworski was good as always, and looked stellar when next to Merrill Hoge. But the surprise of the day, and really the only person I paid attention to when he’d talk, was Torry Holt. He said interesting, non-cliched things almost all day. I cannot wait until he takes Michael Irvin or Shannon Sharpe’s job.

Chris Berman – Constipated for 25 years and counting.

who is the booth guy with the goatee, terrible pin-striped suit, and jaw-o-steel. he was actually pretty good, but, MY GOD, could you look a little more Jersey?

My take on “The President” and The Saints:

The New Thunder and Lightning

I spent Saturday blogging the Draft and felt unsatisfied at the end because I couldn’t come up with the words to describe the combination of Merril Hoge’s illogical analysis and gayer than a Miata dress shirt. LD, I fully agree that Jaworski was the redeeming factor for ESPN. He needs to be their go-to guy for analysis of every pick. Surprisingly, Schlereth did a good job analyzing Ngata getting used by the USC offensive line. The two of them should tag-team and do video analysis of every first round pick, which will reduce the chances for Michael Irvin to discuss the ligaments in Daunte Culpepper’s head.

Jaworski? Jaworski?? Jaworski?????

That guy is loud, obnoxious, and annoying. While his analysis is the best of the bunch, I don’t need anyone to yell the analysis in my face. “MARIO WILLIAMS IS A SMART PICK, BITCH. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!” If he learned to use his inside voice, he might be tolerable.

I actually sat through about the first three hours of the ESPN Draft ass grab special hosted by Crackhead Irvin and sack of shit Berman. I was also present when right before they cut to a commercial, they showed a small set with a little tv in the corner and some asswad acting like he was hitting a tackling dummy. What the hell kind of crap was that? Ranks up there with the fake baseball gm press conferences they had. Pure unadulterated bullshit.

Best part of the day had to be when Merrill Hoge explained that Vince Young played in a one read remedial offensive system at U of Tex. For all you U of Tex grads, that means good ole Vince is borderline retarded.

It would be wrong of me to compare Vince to Dexter Manley, but I hear Manley has at least advanced to Dick and Jane books.

The bonus of Vince going to Tennessee is the fact that the state IQ will almost double as soon as he crosses the state line.

And I’m supposed to respect “insightful” commentary coming from Merrill Hoge, a man who evidently can’t even dress himself to be on national television (or maybe he did dress himself and that’s the problem)? Ray Charles would take one look at that shirt-tie-suit combo and puke, if he wasn’t blind. And dead.

Petty complaints aside, what does it matter if Texas’ offense was remedial? Vince and the Longhorns still beat every team they played and then went and beat the Greatest Team in the History of Greatest Teams in History. I think that’s much more of a negative comment about all the teams Texas beat than it is about Texas (or Vince).

Guess what? I think that most practioners of holistic medicine only have value in that you can burn their bodies for heat. That said, Ricky Williams was still the best college running back I ever saw. Even if he was (is) a freakshow.

Vince Young might be dumber than non-stick paint, but he’s probably a decent guy to talk to if you ended up next to him at the bar. And I wouldn’t bet against him if he told me he was going to take a Pop Warner team up against OU or A&M and beat them 41-38.

The COAN is truly brilliant. God must love you, Orson: Genius coach, genius wife. You done good.

Uh oh … I hope this doesn’t mean I’m slated to marry the helpmeet equivalent of Lloyd.

I mean, sure it’d be OK for the first three years or so, but if she remains too committed to the marital equivalent of Jim Herrman (planned outings of apple-picking on fall Saturdays, natch), I’d have to reconsider my priorities, and live out my days as a celibate Indiana fan.

Is anyone impressed that Wanny took Greg Lee from Heisman candidate to undrafted and (as yet) unsigned free agent in one short year?

ben folds reference. brilliant.

The whole Fisher/Chow/Leinart situation is a good reminder of another reason why some of the top college coaches would rather not go to the NFL. You lose control over player decisions to a GM. It’s fine when the coach and GM are on the same page, but if they see things differently (as with the Titans or the SD Chargers) it has to suck to be the coach.

Maybe watching the draft with COAN might make it bearable, but in my mind the draft has a very poor ratio of either information of entertainment to time spent. Of course I spent the day out in the desert trying to find the ideal beer to gatorade ratio to keep functioning in triple digit temperatures so what do I know.

I thought it was a Nada Surf reference, not Ben Folds? Or are we not talking about the title?

Excellent Nada Surf and Ben Folds references.

Give Berman a break.. who else was going to carry that thing, Michael ‘88-ball’ Irvin?

Ok, I don’t know how everyone missed the worst part of the ESPN coverage… what the hell was with the dark night club meat market runway scene the draftees were walking down going into and coming out of each commercial break? What self-respecting player would allow ESPN to do that to them?

And while I hate UnderArmhair, and the increadibly dumb “Click-clack, click-clack”… appearantly they really are marketing geniuses. One day out and fans at college baseball games were already shouting “click-clack, click-clack” as opposing players walked to the bench after striking out Sunday.

Flop:

Uh oh … I hope this doesn’t mean I’m slated to marry the helpmeet equivalent of Lloyd.

Well, at least she’d have a nice rack.