The roving portal of interdimensional weirdness opened under Oregon State last season: assaults, paying cab drivers with bags of marijuana before beating them, and driving drunk while in the act of kidnapping gay sheep. We suspected that, like El Nino, it would open up again on a slightly different track and LO!–we were correct.

Frank Solich’s GHB incident perked our ears, but now a firm sighting of the roving portal of interdimensional weirdness can be confirmed, a glowing green current flowing through the numerous one-way streets of Athens, Ohio that will likely be in control of events there for the forseeable future. The evidence: senior football player Cory Logan, arrested early Saturday morning for punching a police horse. (HT: Devil Grad)

Logan, after doing his best Alex Karras imitation, was charged with “persistent disorderly conduct,” which we only wish we’d picked up as a charge at one point in our lifetime. Police were forced to resort to unorthodox methods to restrain Logan after conventional methods failed, utilizing a new method called a “Candygram” to subdue him.

If there is a better story than this during the remainder of the offseason, we will film ourselves eating a hat and post it for the world to see.

High times at Ohio U.

Jason Allen made a lot of money this weekend, but he also has to face Ronnie Brown professionally again. This, in case you need some very, very convincing video evidence, is not a good thing.

There’s a fine line between hero and asshole, and it takes either bravery or a brain addled by borderline personality disorder to tread it. Daryl Cook has one or the other, since it’s been a year since he protested a Fulton County Zoning board decision not to rezone his property by painting his house into a full size, shocking orange replica of Florida Field at Ben Hill Griffin Stadium he dubbed “The Swamp of Dunwoody.” (HT: John)

Balls. Or clinically antisocial behavior. We’re not really sure.

The house now sits in the newly incorporated city of Sandy Springs, so Cook will try again on his request with the new zoning board. Given that this is clearly a case of Florida versus Georgia, using recent trends we would predict victory for Cook oh, say, 13 out of 15 times.

Le Draft…the finishing school for NCAA football’s finest had their annual pick ‘em over the weekend in what may be modern sport’s most overrated non-event, and as always, “underwhelm” doesn’t start to cover how unimpressive the draft is as sportstainment. Aside from watching Mel Kiper Jr. living his own real-life version of “One Angry Dwarf” in front of millions of people–if you really want to see me, check the papers and the tv– there’s little to hold the eye as NFL personnel people get all lascivious talking about well-developed thighs as they pick fat defensive tackle after fat defensive tackle in a complete inversion of who you considered to be a total badass on the collegiate level.

Well, Gerard Warren looked like a football player–at least to Butch Davis.

This is true…unless we’re talking about Vernon Davis, the Omega Man tight end from Maryland who got a top ten pick from San Francisco. In addition to being Satan’s bodyguard-scary at the college level, Davis completed a manly trifecta by not only getting a top ten pick, but by crying like a two year old who just fell out of their high chair as he was picked, instantly bringing millions of viewers to tears as only a man who can deadlift the entire nation of Paraguay can do. (When a big man cries, you are biologically hardwired to cry along, lest he assuage his grief by punching you in your dry-eyed, heartless face.) The Conscience of a Nation, sitting on the couch next to us, made this pithy observation.

Orson: Wow. He’s totally breaking down.

Conscience of a Nation: You know why he’s crying right?

OS: Why?

COAN: Because he’s thinking about how rich he just became and how much pussy he’s going to get. (Begins rolling from side to side on couch, mock-weeping.) So much money…(rolls to invisible pile of pussy)…so much pussy…(repeats humorously for minute or so. We married genius.)

There’s Berman, too, another reason to ram the nearest weighty object through your television screen with extreme predjudice. (more…)

You really hate to read this stuff, but it is an unfortunate fact of life. Devin Adair, a transfer from El Camino Junior College to Tulsa, passed away from an illness for which he was hospitalized. Rest in peace.

Wisconsin defensive end Joe Monty’s given us something new to avoid at all fucking costs: severe trauma to the face. Monty was traveling home at 2 a.m. on Friday night when he slammed into the back of stopped car and incurred injuries to his face, neck, and legs, including cuts to the face requiring over 100 stitches.

How you know this is an accident in a college town: both Monty and the driver of the car were cited for DUI, which sucks double hard for the other guy, who apparently was doing a fine job driving drunk when Monty plowed into him. This kind of nightmare is what keeps Bob Huggins up at night…drinking.

Drunk hits drunk: a perpetual tipsy cruiser’s nightmare comes true.

When you get a traffic ticket, it’s no big deal; when Bobby Brown gets a traffic ticket, it’s a parole violation. Welcome to the next year (at least) for USC’s football program, where Reggie Bush’s tangled web of alleged connections with an agent–we’re not journalists, but we play them in our lousy community theater–will make even the slightest of infractions loom ever closer to the line of “lack of institutional control.”

In this case, the issue is some deal with Matt Leinart’s dad subsidizing WR Dwayne Jarrett’s rent over the course of the past year. Jarrett paid $650 a month to live at the Medici apartments–an apartment complex where the monthly rent sits at a boggling $3,866 a month for a two bed room. Leinart paid the same amount, and Bob Leinart, father of the Buzzsaws’ new qb, paid the remaining $2,566 of the rent. The quote from Pete Carroll:

“One guy had resources, the other guy didn’t. [Jarrett] gave what he could. Matt needed somebody to live with him, and [Jarrett] got a good deal.”

Why Nick Lachey couldn’t have filled that spot is beyond us, especially since we all know he’s been catting around without Jessica for well over a year. (Damn you, E! Television! Damn your fascinating celebrity profiles to hell!) Jarett, in a case similar to some minor improprieties on Luke Walton’s part during the 2000 NCAA tournament, may have to pay back over $10,000 in rent to Bob Leinart to avoid the unbearable gaze of Myles Brand and his fascination for small trophy cases like this one, which require much less legwork and embarrassing investigations than geniunely troubling cases like the Reggie Bush house fiasco.

The name of the apartment complex kills us, too: Medici. As in a grand dynasty whose power and influence was unparallelled until lax leadership scuttled their dominance. Hmm…

Lorenzo de Medici Pete Carroll had no further comment.