DOINK!
Paul sums up the unfolding WVU spy scandal here. Peep the low-fi but double good game notes, especially.
April 25, 2006
JUMP! FOR MY LOVE. JUMP IN!
One magnificent thing about blogging is qualifying exactly how deranged the behavior of fans reveling in the name of sport truly can be. In a feat of redneck excess–department of redundant redundancy in the phrasing there, but humor us–a South Carolina fan meshes several different southern obsessions in a single, fluid motion, encompassing the disciplines of public drunkenness, professional wrestling, and college football foolishness in one move. There’s no sound, but in our own sideways tribute to the late, great June Pointer we present one Gamecocks fan truly jumping for his love. (Feel free to grab your copy of Neutron Dance and play it since the clip itself has no sound.)
Remember: when jumping off a van, a lifejacket is essential gear.
NCAA 2007: GOD IN A BOX
When we open it, should we cover our eyes to avoid melting our faces off at the unbearable sight of its pure majesty? NCAA 2007 is coming, and IGN has a preview of an early version of the 360 version of Infinite Jest for the Football Set. (HT: Kyle, who we didn’t credit in the first edit of the post.) The early feelers are formidable:
–Photorealistic environments complete with satellite-derived sunlight angles and weather sims.
–Living environment: fans that gasp and Gator Chomp/Seminole Racist War Chant along with the fight songs, in addition to standing up in anticipation of a player scoring.
–A new momentum meter, which means Cuddles Swindle’s strategy of strangling us in 28-10 option slugfests could be a thing of the past if we launch a few long bombs in the first quarter for scores.
–The “Breaston Mod,” or in other words revising impact players who don’t measure up over the first 3-4 games of a season down to mere mortal status.
–The most accurate rendering you can get of a stadium without looking at the blueprints.
–Hopefully, the continued use of the phrase “He reached in and got himself a big sack,” which still makes us titter every time Herbstreit says it.
IGN, as always, has the four page, ten thousand word rundown you crave. Make haste! GO!
But do Tennessee fans lay down the instant they get down by ten in the game?
IN DEFENSE OF FRUITY CURSIVE
The MZone said it, and we can’t really deny it: there is a strong similarity between the Florida Gators’ helmets and the Sunkist Drink logo. The fearsome cursive of the Gators’ helmet (out of context) ranks somewhere on the galactic intimidation scale between a 16 year-old cancer-ridden Basset Hound and Lindsey Lohan armed only with a forty pound sledgehammer. (Get it? Because she wouldn’t be able to pick it up? Because she’s really, really skinny? HEY-O! We’re applying immediately for our spot on Jay Leno’s writing staff with that kind of stuff.)
Given that though, what’s missing is the context the Gators’ logo swims in: a sport full of seemingly namby-pamby mascots, logos, and colors whose inherent oddness is tacitly accepted by fans all over the nation. For example:
USC Trojans:
Intended messages: Military discipline, classical grandeur, warriors.
Unintended messages: Ritual sodomy. Condoms. Susceptible to ridiculous invasion plans.
Miami Hurricanes
Intended messages. Diversity. Power on a meteorological level.
Unintended messages. Michael Irvin. (Irvin= Coke, strippers, human trafficking, the 7th Floor Crew, Ken Dorsey breaking down the women’s soccer team, anything associated with Sean Taylor, Scarface.)
Intended message: Strong. Classic. Built with Midwestern modest and power.
Unintended message: Too cheap to hire a proper graphic designer due to Dust Bowl.
Now take our dear fruity cursive, the font on the side of the Florida Gators’ helmets.
We totally admit that the nouveau-riche ‘tude sported by Florida fans isn’t made any better by the 1968 marketing strategy clearly behind the lacy logo–it’s the visual avatar of the anonymous sun belt, the strip mall of logos. On top of that, it’s unusually feminine, curvaceous, loopy, and downright frilly. The compelling question remains: why keep it at all?
One word: irony. To wit: what could be more of a mindfuck than looking up on a crossing pattern and, with the safety whipping down headfirst on you with horrific speed, see the chipper, cheery Gator logo as the last thing you’ll remember before losing consciousness? It’s like being knocked out by Strawberry Shortcake on angel dust when a 250 pound, weight-room-kissed uberbastard hits you wearing the most cheerful colors and logo this side of the Disneyworld gift shop. If the concussion doesn’t kill you, the irony will. Don’t believe us? Ask Georgia fans, whose classic macho block G has quantifiably become the gimp of the lacy cursive “Gators” for well over a decade now–getting beaten stings a lot more when the guys handing out the pain wear a logo best described as “groovy.”
Buy more orange juice! Have a nice day! BOOM!
SPY SCANDAL IN WEST VIRGINIA
It took an action of the governor to bring about a football matchup between West Virginia and Marshall, so the stakes are high for this matchup. That means espionage was going to be almost a given, doesn’t it? Well, it has begun. A West Virginia student, who works in the building where the West Virginia coaches work, was busted taking copious notes at a Marshall practice. Although the practice was open to the public, the NCAA prohibits opposing teams from attending without permission. In response, Marshall is expected to burn the student’s couch.
West Virgnia’s advanced scouting team.
WORLD, MEET THE FACE OF NOTRE DAME FOR THE NEXT 4 YEARS
This guy might develop into one heck of a quarterback under the guidance of the new evil genius, but come on, lose the rings. We’ve seen your brothers go through 4 years of college and they both ended up being practically bald, so you might not want to become so identified by a crazy Beckhamesque haircut too.
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