BUSTIN' MAD LIT CRIT SPEAK: LONGHORNS METAPHOR
Technology's always amusing. The Gutenberg printing press may have made a few copies of the bible first, but as with the internet, the world's first mass-producing text replicator moved quickly into rapid porn production, which really paid the bills, including such explicit popular titles as "Ein Leichtes Mädchen" and "Die Besserung in die Männerhose." (We swear those are funny, even though they're in a notoriously humor-impaired language.)
Photoshop has enabled fans to take trash-talk to a new, lofty height. For example, we now bust our mad lit-crit skillz on this image sent to us by reader David:

Professor Derrida?
Here the reader inverts the seme/meme of standard Texan iconography by loosening the metaphorical moorings of the Texan longhorn symbol in a direct comparison with the female reproductive system, fusing the savage, Dionysian bravura of animal-enslaving cowboy Wild West imagery with the Apollonian, cold detachment of the anatomical, at once illustrating the anerotic notion of a woman's most private parts cut and illustrated with the same cold calculation as the cattle on a ranch. In one sweeping collision of imagery, womb and cow meet under the scalpel, one enslaved by the lasso and barbed wire, the other by science, culture, and the anatomists' hand. The cowboy is the invisible figure here, framing both with his desire to map, trap, and subdue all that is wild, rhythmic, and natural--in reality, the picture is his.
We'll take our Master's in Bullshit Studies English now, thank you.
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by loosening the metaphorical moorings of the Texan longhorn symbol in a direct comparison with the female reproductive system,
Hmmmmm . . . no wonder The Firm’s filtering software is giving me the red X of death instead of the linked photo. Back to double-secret probation for me.
by DevilGrad on Apr 7, 2006 12:42 PM EDT reply actions
it’s not you, it’s the img link:
http://f3.yahoofs.com/users/434c2239z3baabac8/mail/sr/4ee2.jpg?phQ4oNEBV7HVhOhA
ees no good.
by Brian @ mgoblog on Apr 7, 2006 12:45 PM EDT reply actions
Well, then.
Poop on my Friday, why don’t you.
How’s that for crit speak?
by Peter Bean on Apr 7, 2006 12:56 PM EDT reply actions
Is this nonsense (the picture I mean) supposed to even the score after publicizing more Sooner shenanigans? Or is “reader David”, as I suspect, a Texas A&M fan lashing out in impotent anger knowing that his once-powerhouse Aggies are now only the fifth best team in the state, after the University, TCU, Texas Tech and even Baylor? Sigh. It’s lonely at the top…
by Kahuna on Apr 7, 2006 1:08 PM EDT reply actions
Kahuna:
I think Rice and SMU could give Texas T&A a game….
by Stacey Keibler Luvs Me on Apr 7, 2006 1:24 PM EDT reply actions
After the reader/viewer fully takes in the picture, one cannot help but be drawn to the opening scenes of “Full Metal Jacket,” where Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, played by R. Lee Ermey, informs us that only two things come from Texas. Those are “steers and queers.” Apparently, according to the University of Texas, there is a third option, having both. This, contrasted to the ultramasculinity evident in both the Marine Corps and high-stakes college football would make some heads explode.
By the way, the oldest trick in the English comp book is replacing “I” with “one.”
by rob on Apr 7, 2006 1:45 PM EDT reply actions
Correct me if I’m wrong but Sgt. Hartman makes the quote about Oklahoma….not TX.
by Hookem76 on Apr 7, 2006 2:08 PM EDT reply actions
Correction….You are correct about the “Full Metal Jacket” reference. I was thinking “Officer and a Gentleman”. My bad!
by Hookem76 on Apr 7, 2006 2:17 PM EDT reply actions
I was trying to come up with something witty and/or provocative to use in a comment on this post, and yet the best I’ve got is a Butthead-esque “Heh. You said ‘vagina.’” It’s Friday, it’s nearly quittin’ time, I’m tired . . .
by Doug on Apr 7, 2006 2:56 PM EDT reply actions
Kahuna-
In fact I’m definately not an A&M fan, it was simply forwarded to me by a buddy of mine out in the great expanse of Texas, where the sky is big and so is the hair. If you must know, I’ll stick with my UF upbringing.
And as I stated in my email — the image had to be done by somebody at USC, because nobody at A&M or OU is smart enough to pull of such a basic rudimentary comparison.
by David on Apr 7, 2006 6:23 PM EDT reply actions
I saw that picture (or one like it) on an Oklahoma fan site at least two years ago.
by John on Apr 7, 2006 7:05 PM EDT reply actions
I’m pretty sure that, in “An Officer and a Gentleman,” Lou Gossett, Jr., uses the “only two things come out of . . .” line twice—-once to David Keith at the beginning and once to an incoming recruit at the end, as Richard Gere is getting ready to ride off into the sunset with Debra Winger—-and he uses “Oklahoma” one time and “Texas” the other time. I think that makes it an all-purpose equal-opportunity insult for use on anyone from a beef-producing state, provided you’re a drill sergeant talking to raw enlistees on their first day of basic training.
I’m also pretty sure Oklahoma fans don’t have any business slinging that type of stuff at Texas fans, though, seeing as how one team just won the national championship and the other team is named after a show tune.
By the way, Orson, does your deconstruction of the foregoing image qualify as a vagina monologue?
by T. Kyle King on Apr 7, 2006 7:28 PM EDT reply actions
i find that pretty funny. when you own the Crystal Football you can laugh at anything.
by the way (here’s where the M.A. comes in) am i the only one laughing at the Derrida ref?
by UT Grad w/a Master's on Apr 8, 2006 3:41 AM EDT reply actions
A Derrida referrence to insult the Longhorn faithful; well done, sirs. I fully expect a Foucault reference when discussing the Longhorn chearleaders in their leather chaps, which provides a good excuse to look at the Longhorn chearlers in their leather chaps.
For what it is worth, Car and Driver also used the same reference about 3 years ago when examining Dodge’s redisgned Ram logo. Given the popularity of its trucks among women, it is only fitting.
by michael on Apr 8, 2006 11:10 AM EDT reply actions
No, UT Grad, I got the Derrida ref too, but as The Onion stated, it’s too bad he’s “dead.”
by rob on Apr 9, 2006 5:39 PM EDT reply actions
We would happily take some “Discipline and Punishment” from the Texas Pom Squad.
by Orson Swindle on Apr 11, 2006 4:11 PM EDT reply actions
That’s pretty hilarious. I made the comparison to my ex when we were still dating, but she didn’t find it too humorous…guess that is a good litmus test?
by srschirm on Apr 12, 2006 1:19 AM EDT reply actions

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