We don’t even need to write anything framing this. Presented a la carte:(HT: Brian)
University of Kentucky football recruit Jamil Paris was arrested March 10 in his hometown of Vero Beach, Fla., for allegedly beating up Hispanic farm workers and robbing them.
Somehow we don’t think his inevitable “one man Minuteman squad defense” is going to fly here. He is, however, just a recruit, which means UK will not be awarded points. A shame, really since you’d need a calculator to figure out the line on this: robbery, grand theft, battery, possession of burglary tools and carrying a concealed weapon. Scientific notation might be necessary.
New Mexico’s suggested entry into the rapidly metastasizing tumor that is the bowl system boggles even our addled imagination: the Chile Bowl, set to bubble onto the scene sometime before Christmas of last year. The bowl seems innocuous enough, but our sources tell us some disturbing details that may reveal the Chile Bowl to be anything but the innocuous matchup between two 6-5 teams it appears to be.
First of all, we have to ask: why honor the world’s skinniest country with a bowl game? There’ s plenty of other countries worthier of praise. Which ones, you ask?
1. Samoa: possessed with an endless supply of short legged, massive lineman who come to this country to play football and confuse television announcers with their vowel-heavy names. Obviously in need of its own bowl, as recognized by Digital Underground’s Humpty Hump in “The Humpty Dance.” Also possesses instant sponsorship tie-in with gooey, aorta destroying Girl Scout cookies.
2. Mexico. You’d think this would have been the first concept for a bowl game in New Mexico. Then again, perhaps they felt threatened by their ages-old rivalry for who will claim the title of “the world’s best Mexico,” and didn’t want to invite Mexican sabotage of their marquee event. (”Mexican Sabotage”…it just sounds like a shot you had on your 21st birthday, shortly before telling the cop to fuck off…and realizing you were in fact berating a Wachovia ATM in front of disturbed onlookers.)
Secretly plotting their empire…one bowl game at a time.
But that’s not the intent of this game, is it, amigo? No, far from trying to honor the college game, the “Chile Bowl” is actually a thinly veiled attempt at South American cultural hegemony, with the bowl game serving as a Trojan Horse for an endless haltime show hosted by Don Francisco, dinners that don’t even start ’til 9 at night, and making sudden turns in choked traffic without ever using your signals. And who’s bankrolling the whole thing? Subcommandante Mickey, that’s who, via ESPN’s $2 million dollar credit line extended to the bowl.
Stop them from retaking the American Southwest one pre-Christmas bowl game at a time! Resist Disney’s plan to extend Chilean hegemony overall of the Western United States! Refuse to indulge in their tasty and inexpensive red wines! First this…then the Chavez bowl…then the world…
If this is all verified, certified, and sanctified, we may have a new leader in the points for the Fulmer Cup: Miss State has five players arrested for the assault of an off-duty cop in Starkville over the weekend. (HT: NewAZTiger.) The storyline has plenty of bonuses, but the capper is that the fracas really caught fire because of a violent argument between two women.
Whatever punishment the five players get, simple assault charges for five makes for some spectacular math: ten points minimum with a two point FnDC charge, and a commanding fifteen with three point felony charges. Again, all charges pending, but a massive revision in what has thus far been a relatively pacific Fulmer Cup race may be due.
In addition to the criminal charges, players will each have to face the wrath of Sylvester Croom, whose Unicron-like voice rattles the tiles in the ceilings of Tuscaloosa homes hundreds of miles away.
Sylvester Croom, seen here eating lunch, will no doubt have stern words for his players, who will then die from the vibrations of his voice.
The classics never die: tOSU makes their grand entrance with a workmanlike performance, earning two Fulmer Cup points for DUI thanks to 18-year old offensive lineman Alex Boone, who was positively trashed according to our sources when police pulled him over early Sunday morning in Columbus.
Boone may suffer “other sanctions,” but will not miss any playing time or serve a suspension. Cue Michigan fans falling over in shock…Boone may as well start discharging AR-15s into neighboring apartment complexes with that kind of laissez-faire discipline.
The duchess was shocked–shocked!–that Boone wouldn’t lose playing time for a DUI.
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