Bowling Green and the UAB Blazers in the Firestone Pack-A-Bowl…always a matchup we’ve wanted to see, courtesy of Matt in Gainesville who’s always advocated for a rematch between the two just so he could giggle at the names. Bowling Green QB Anthony Turner and cornerback Ryan Patrick lived up to their uni’s name by doing some green bowling of their own last Saturday around 1:30 a.m., as BGSU police picked up the pair for greenhousing it something fierce in Patrick’s GMC SUV. (HT Devil Grad.) Officer Sean Beavers (stifling urge to laugh) said that Patrick admitted not only to smoking weed, but that other football players had been involved earlier that night. In blatant violation of the “No Snitches” rule, we wonder if L’il Kim-style dramatics are to follow here.

Cooperating with the police is soooo 1983.

Breaking a long silence, BGSU’s cannabis fans earn the University two points for a multi-person marijuana offense. Mid-majors represent!

One half of of the most sexually suggestive quarterback duo in the nation, John David Booty, will be out for spring practices with back spasms and disc problems, leaving freshman Mark “Dirty” Sanchez the entirety of spring to sign his name onto the upper lip of Trojan starterdom.

If Sanchez does triumph over Booty, it’ll mark the second year in a row that the quarterback perceived to be hottest by Boi From Troy won the starting slot. (Leinart doesn’t really count since, as incoming Heisman winner he couldn’t have been killed out of the starting spot, but don’t stand between us and shoehorning the world into a ridiculous, semi-comic theory. It’s something bloggers like to do, we’re told.)

So the new rule is: whoever your girlfriend/wife/significant other/mail-order bride/gay dude friend thinks is hotter will inevitably win the starting job over the less fetching challenger. It’s the Boi rule, and we’ll apply it throughout spring practice to decide quarterback controversies, soliciting input from female readers and the ever-key gay college football fan demo to test its validity.

Syracuse sophomore Nick Chestnut, playing in his first practice since switching from wide receiver to corner, intercepted a pass at Syracuse practice. This would be remarkable if cornerbacks hadn’t been catching Syracuse passes for the better part of a year now; Syracuse exhausted the English language in redefining horrendous offense, starting out bad, going to wretched, making a quick descent through execrable and blighted before slipping into an ineffably pestilential sub-basement of deplorable we really haven’t properly formed a word for yet.

The hiring of new offensive coordinator Brian White away from Wisconsin has to be an improvement on the offensive coaching staff–this is a meaningless statement, actually, since putting the XBox in charge would have been an improvement–especially since Wisconsin, in between bizarre spasms like a 7-2 loss to UNLV, has had one of the more quietly effective attacks in football over the past decade.

White, by the way, has to be wasting more expensive private education than even Mike Leach as a multi-degreed football coach: a BA from Hahhhvard, a master’s from Fordham, and an MBA from Notre Dame. With that kind of profligate terminal student status, he probably really needs to the work just to stay a step ahead of Citibank.

Brian White: playah got degreez like WHOA.

Well, actually no–but they might have taken cell phone bennies from a local cell provider! Isn’t that risque enough for you? Listen, we know we’re all hankering for some explosive, Oklahoma ‘84 style expose to come along…but in the mean time, someone’s been giving the Hawkeyes cell phones. CELL PHONES, WE TELL YOU! We all know they’re a gateway drug for larger, more elaborate forms of outlandish communication equipment. We’ve got to nip this in the bud before meth-hopped Iowans are the first thing our alien overlords hear…(HT: MiamiHawkTalk.)

Oh, it starts with cell phones. It ends with the VLA–and who wants that in their backyard?

Boi’s thinking that someone’s getting canned over USC’s bizarre choice for the 2006 Football poster heading: “ENCORE!”

He also has his own suggestion for a Trojan ‘06 poster, which we swear is only the slightest bit gayerrific, and totally vegetarian (no meat whatsoever.)

Cowherd’s response to MZone’s piece on him using their material without credit: “GET OVER IT.” Combining this with the latest “complimentary” issue of the high-grade toilet paper that is ESPN: The Magazine soiling our mailbox (damn that Insider subscription,) we feel a new round of anti-WWL bile roiling up in our gullet.

A more productive way of objecting to ESPN using bloggers’ material as theirs would be emailing the ESPN Ombudsman, George Solomon; a quixotic gesture, sure, but someday a windmill’s going to get the red-ass beatdown it so sorely deserves, so do it anway.

Charge that windmill.

Quickly, a microwaveable lunch’s worth of spring links for you to peruse:

–El Herald doesn’t have much on Meyer and the Gators you couldn’t guess for yourself: pressure, tough schedule, offensive hiccups, el blah de blahando hablah blah…

–WVU’s Adam Bednarik needs shoulder surgery, which isn’t good news since the ‘Eers offense happily sends their qbs into the jaws of brain-damaging linebackers on nearly every play. Paul’s got Mountain Lair saying none of it matters if the Mountaineers don’t beat Louisville this year in the course of suggesting that WVU could be in the running for a national title. First you get the underpants…step three, profits.

Step one: beat Louisville. Step two: national championship!

–Former Florida OC Larry Fedora is running his no-huddle offense as a four-headed beast for the moment at OK State. In Norman, Adrian Peterson looks fine, though the Oklahoma line does not, which could interfere in the long run with AP looking fine in November for the Heisman stretch run everyone’s got planned for him.

–Minnesota, the Denver Broncos of the college game, is attempting to sort out who’s going to rush for 1,000 yards this season in their backfield. Whoever it is, they will have a guy named Bubba Brinkhaus blocking for them, which is a damn shame since a man named Bubba should by biblical decree be blocking for Tennessee QB Jim Bob Cooter.

–As you would expect, Blue-Gray Sky has every last syllable of Weis’ spring presser parsed for you, as well as the Posh Pasha of Pierogies looking every pound-a-sexy:

Sexy, sexy.

–Nebraska DE Adam Carriker gains 15 pounds of muscle since last season and still runs a 4.5. Teammate Corey McKeon insists he’s just a “freak of nature;” Carriker attributes it to a new, South Beach-y diet. Unusually strong players on the Cornhusker roster…hmm…

Adam Carriker of Nebraska’s been bulking up over the winter.

We’ve got to crank up our “All-Name Team” again, if only because Virginia Tech’s got a potentially legendary candidate for the contest: Running Back Macho Harris. Pregunta: Quien es Macho? Repuesta: Virginia Tech es Macho. The only downside of this whole new era of Macho at Virginia Tech could be the use of the song “Macho Man” by the Village People at Hokie home games, which would only be palatable if they chose the Mickey Mouse Disco version sung by Donald Duck. (Fighting off mind’s eye-scarring image of Village People and Donald Duck in San Francisco bathhouse ca. 1979…Donald doing poppers with the Indian…must not see…)

Disney Disco. The back cover had Mickey fisting Halston and Goofy snorting rails off Bianca Jagger’s ass with Truman Capote.

Tech looks like it’ll be throttling down the offense in a position-shuffling spring now that New Mexico has thugged his way off the team and left the Hokies with a wealth of inexperience at the qb position. The line’s a shuffle, too, so Beamer will roll back the Hokies’ attack to their normal, plodding placeholder of an attack and let the run, d, and special teams shoulder the load, which means you can take Tech’s games and place them right back in the paint-drying category of watchability.

Yost at MZone is bleeding from his ears in anger at Colin Cowherd of ESPN, who just may have given him the best free pub he could ever get by reading whole chunks of Yost’s Vince Young Wonderlic piece on the radio without crediting MZone for the gags.

Is Colin Cowherd the Milton Berle of talk radio? By this, we refer to Berle’s notoriety in the comedy world as a first-rate joke thief, and not to Uncle Milty’s legendarily enormous, block-out-the-sun penis. In a spasm of journalism, we emailed Cowherd to get a response, and will post it ASAP when and if we get one.

If not, cue Pajamas Media-style blogger hysterics.

Milton Berle, bit-biter, showing everyone the tale of the tape.

As if Notre Dame fans didn’t already regard the rest of the football world from lofty heights while hang-gliding from one of their mountains of football gold to the other…their spring game will be sponsored by Chick-Fil-A, home of the tastiest chicken sandwich on the planet. Bastards! Florida’s spring game can’t come close, since Bushmaster can’t legally hand out free samples of their product in the stadium (though we know a guy named Duane in Starke who’d be more than happy to help you with your “security” needs, if you catch our drift.) The Kenneth Tookes Shooting Gallery promises to be a hoot, though, so bring the kids and don’t forget your ear protection!

Satchel Paige and Charlie Weis’ cardiologist might not think this such a great idea, since both have similar ideas about athletes and fried foods:

(1) Avoid fried foods which anger the blood

Anger in football’s good, right? That is, unless you’ve already had fatness surgery. So beware that good-looking dame tickling Charlie’s chins and force-feeding him chicken strip after chicken strip on the sidelines, Domers…she may be a spy!

Assassins wear a thousand disguises…we bet there’s a Michigan shirt under that suit.