SANCHEZ IT IS...MAYBE

Blog Foul! You may not discuss anyone named “Sanchez” without using the word “Dirty” immediately preceding.

Juvenile, but them’s the rules.

We were actually looking for a way to write about him without using the “Drrrty” word. We had to resort to a Robert Davi reference, so perhaps it’s better to go back to that.

I know I’m not the first person to write this but it does look like spring practice has resulted in USC getting its Booty busted and a dirty Sanchez.

Will this mean they’re total bottoms now?

L.D. is right about the rules, but I liked the “License to Kill” reference, anyway.

Personally, I’d have gone with a picture of Carey Lowell from the scene where they’re loading the money into the pressure chamber to frame the boat captain, but I guess that’s why Baskin Robbins has 31 flavors. To each his own.

and here I thought it was a “remember the titans” allusion. I’m simple; I know.

Benicio Del Toro is in there, too—“she had a happy honeymooooon”—as the standard ‘80s psychotic Columbian. Remember, if it’s the 1980s, and you’re a Columbian character in a film, you either:

a. Are psychotic.
b. Sell coke.
c. Are a psychotic coke dealer.
d. Are a psychotic coke dealer with a chainsaw.

By the way . . . by “Timothy Dalton acting constipated,” do you mean “Timothy Dalton plying his trade while constipated” or “Timothy Dalton behaving as though he were constipated”? Just curious.

Hmm…little wiggle room in the diction there, eh? We could have just written “Timothy Dalton acting,” which implies constipatedness.

Fair enough.

On second thought, I might also have gone with a shot of Carey Lowell seducing Wayne Newton (right before she pulled the gun on him).

Bless your heart!

This movie was on TNT or AMC or SFW or something this past weekend, and yes, I watched it . . . had its faults, but it kind of made me long for the days before Bond flicks turned into over-the-top one-step-short-of-sci-fi spectacles. And it goes without saying that Talisa Soto, like Lucky Charms, is magically delicious.

By the way, as the link clearly shows, that’s “Licence to Kill.” Yank bastards.

Well, it took all of one comment to get a “dirty sanchez” joke in.

I can’t decide if I’m proud or disappointed in y’all. :D

Oh yeah, with all of the Sanchez and Booty talk, I’d be remiss if I didn’t throw in Jim Bob Cooter’s name just for the sake of putting it out there.

Your honor—

Thanks for reminding me of the scene where she pulls the gun from her garter—now the next hour’s work has been destroyed by nervous thoughts of beautiful women with guns in their undergarments.

The other badass scene is the overacting when they’re lowering Felix into the shark tank. “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL!!!”

How about Senor Sanchez? And who in the hell is going to play Sharkey? BTW, Carey Lowell and Talisa Soto are two top ten Bond girls.

I guess I shouldn’t be ashamed to have taken a sign to the 2000 AU-LSU game that said “Your Booty is no match for our Johnson”.

I was right.

Personally, I’m partial to Truman-Lodge, the yuppie assistant to Sanchez (and yes, I had to look the character’s name up on IMDB) who was a dead-ringer for Michael J. Fox’s character on “Family Ties.” So next year, when Sanchez makes a mistake and comes to the sideline, a dorky clipboard holder can yell at him “Brilliant! Well done, Mark! Another three-pick write-off!”, after which Sanchez can pull an uzi from his uniform and shoot him.

By the way, can Talisa Soto really be considered a Bond girl if Bond never shagged her? That was one of my objections to “License to Kill” (among many): he only screwed one woman during the entire movie.

Man, now I want to start some kind of a Bond Girl thread. My two cents: It has never, and will never, get better than Daniela Bianchi as Tatiana Romanova in my personal favorite in the series, “From Russia With Love.” Here’s a phun phact, her English was so heavily accented that they had to re-dub every bit of her dialogue in the movie.

Doug, would you say the same thing if Halle Berry had emerged from the water wearing a red bikini instead of one that was . . . um, that other color?

Jill St. John in Diamonds Are Forever is extremely, extremely underrated. Her tits glide across the screen like ships of the line, and she’s a shameless ho in the film who spends most of her time in a bikini. This= quality.

T. Kyle: Yes.

Orson: Duly noted. Women who answer the door in transparent negligées are all too rare a thing these days.

Also noteworthy:

—Michelle Yeoh

—Barbara Bach

—The classic: Honor Blackman as Pussy Galore

Orson, with all due respect, you couldn’t have picked a worse Bond girl if you tried. I’d rank Jill St. John behind every other Bond girl, other than that dreadful blonde from “View to a Kill.” You must have a thing for Orphan Annie if you like Tiffany Case and her appalling puffy red ’fro. Additionally, her character is a complete idiot and a Bond girl is supposed to have at least some sophistication or attitude.

My personal top five:

1. Honor Blackman as Pussy Galore (Goldfinger) – She looked great, she was a complete bitch to Bond for most of the movie, and her character was rife with lesbian undertones. It gets no better than that.

2. Claudine Auger as Domino (Thunderball) – Hot, hot hot. Plus, she swears revenge against Largo and then kills him in the end. A murdering Bond girl is always a nice touch. (BTW, Thunderball had the best collection of women. There are about four total hotties in that movie and they all have great accents, which is something else that Jill St. John doesn’t have.)

3. Carole Bouquet as Melina Havelock (For Your Eyes Only) – Same as Domino, except that she’s Greek, which means that she’s even angrier. I’ve never been angrier at Bond as when he stopped Melina from giving Kristatos a Columbian necktie.

4. Barbara Bach as Agent XXX (The Spy Who Loved Me) – Any man who doesn’t get tingly at the end when Bach is drenched and her skimpy top is fighting a losing battle against her heaving bosom does not like women. The only demerits here are because bach can’t keep her accent for the entire movie. Plus, a secret agent should have put up more of a fight against Jaws.

5. Katherine Waybourn as Miss Magda (Octopussy) – Watch the movie again if you disagree. I have no evidence for this, but I have suspiocions about her and Octopussy having a little fun reading Sappho together.

is that a nipple i see?

Mike—she’s pure eye candy, and underrated. There’s plenty of worse Bond Girls—Denise Richards, anyone?—but Jill’s not the worst by a long shot. She’s not the best, either, as you and I agree on the queen of all Bondies: Pussy Galore.

“You know judo?” Ahh…

Another Blog Foul! No discussion of Bond Girls can continue without some smarmy dick saying, “Wait, does Grace Jones count? If so, the list starts and stops there.”

And I am just that smarmy dick.

Michael, I’m totally with you on Agent Triple-X. I go back and forth between Barbara and the original Daisy Duke as to which is my favorite Bach girl.

Doug, I respect the integrity of your position while disagreeing with it. If Halle Berry had been wearing any other color bathing suit except orange, that scene alone would skyrocket her ahead of all other contestants, hands down, case closed.

The worst Bond girl, by far, was Grace Jones. I always thought that, given the choice between being captured by Christopher Walken’s minions and escaping by slipping into Grace’s boudoir, Roger Moore should have taken his chances with the bad guys. Not only is Grace not hot, she’s downright creepy and I don’t entirely rule out the possibility that she’s a man.

Some credit for Xenia Onatapp as a quality Bond girl is warranted, too, by the way. I’m just saying.

Dang it, L.D., you beat me to the punch on Grace Jones! (We must have been typing simultaneously and you hit “Submit Comment” first.)

Ah, well. Great minds think alike . . . well, except for the fact that I would rank the Bond girls by voting and L.D. would call for a single-elimination Bond girl tournament.

Actually, now that I say that . . . L.D., maybe I’m coming around to your way of thinking on that whole tourney thing. N.C.-17 women’s tournament, anyone?

One quick follow-up point to the Bond girl tournament idea:

The chairmanship of the selection committee goes to the first guy to use “Pussy Galore” and “No. 1 seed” in a sentence.

If you needed a Sanchez reference, wasn’t he also the keyboard player Dave Chapelle pulls out of his pocket when he needs to adjust his John Mayer/Quest Love jam for the latino crowd?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p7YSGh5mm3I&search=chapelle

“Despite Lupe Lamora coming from behind, Pussy Galore was able to secure the tightly contested No. 1 seed, using her skills in the cockpit to fend off Lamora’s desperate attempt.”

Damn, Mayor Kyle, that’s absolutely uncanny . . . I was thinking about doing the exact same thing. How about a NCAA-bracket-style single-elimination tournament kind of along the lines of what The M Zone has been doing lately, with popular votes determining which Bond girls advance?

Have to give Michael mad props for putting Magda on his list. I hadn’t seen “Octopussy” in probably 10 years before it came on AMC or something a few weeks ago, and she was just plain retardedly hot in that movie.

The stupid blonde in a View to a Kill was Tanya Roberts (you know, Donna’s mom on That 70’s Show) – I still reference her classic portrayal of the helpless female being caught by the bad guy (Christopher Walken) in a blimp! Bond girls may have been scantily clothed and wore footwear completely inappropriate for “running for one’s life” but they were never that helpless.

I can’t believe there have been 32 posts and no one’s mentioned Ursula Andress.

I’m more inclined to support a Blogpoll based around a series of Bond Girl questions, such as:

Dumbest move by a Bond girl

Most rapid transition from “I hate James Bond” to “I must have this man NOW!!!”

Bond Girl you’d most like to screw

Bond Girl you’d most like to marry

Bond girl you’d most like to kill

The Christmas Jones award for most implausible casting (Since Denise Richards as a nuclear physicist will be the most unlikely, we need a second

Moment in which a Bond Girl is most useful

Bond Girl most likely to have boiled James’ rabbit when he dumped her in that magical period in between movies when he clears himself of entanglements and emerges single for the next flick

How about some additions?

Grace Jones = Carl Lewis

(Did you ever see the two of them together? Of course not.)