UGA, tired of seeing its pristine lawns churned into muddy flats on gameday weekends, has prohibited all access for tailgaters before 7 a.m. on gamedays. The rules change resulted largely from the damage done by fans following last year’s Auburn-UGA game; given the outcome (a last-minute nutpunch of a loss for UGA,) the university should be happy with the fact that the stadium wasn’t torn down by hand.
The inevitable result of the restrictions will be a guerilla war between UGA officials and non-RV tailgaters (who park in a designated lot starting at 7 p.m. on Friday night at Athens.) It also means more havoc for the surrounding environs in Athens, which will bear the brunt of increased parking on their lawns and total strangers firing up Webers on their lawns. (Predicting spectacular, perhaps murderous incidents involving guns and lighter fluid. Bet on it)
Though the policy makes plenty of sense in many ways, here’s one twist we don’t get, taken directly from the rules as set by the now radioactively unpopular university president Michael Adams:
The new game day operations policy calls for family-friendly tailgate zones, where alcohol is prohibited.
Alcohol-free=family friendly? Maybe in Utah, but alcohol in the south is what binds families to each other, along with will agreements, guilt, and criminal histories. It’s what allows one generation to tolerate the next, and what turns otherwise mundane, casserole-festooned family get-togethers into events you’ll remember for years…from the inside of the Grundy County jail. Most idiotically, UGA is denying alcohol consumption to those who need it most: parents. For this alone, the policy will surely become a rank disaster.
Paul’s got his UGA perspective on Deacon Adams’ prohibitions here.
Mom and Dad need scotch.
Bowling Green and the UAB Blazers in the Firestone Pack-A-Bowl…always a matchup we’ve wanted to see, courtesy of Matt in Gainesville who’s always advocated for a rematch between the two just so he could giggle at the names. Bowling Green QB Anthony Turner and cornerback Ryan Patrick lived up to their uni’s name by doing some green bowling of their own last Saturday around 1:30 a.m., as BGSU police picked up the pair for greenhousing it something fierce in Patrick’s GMC SUV. (HT Devil Grad.) Officer Sean Beavers (stifling urge to laugh) said that Patrick admitted not only to smoking weed, but that other football players had been involved earlier that night. In blatant violation of the “No Snitches” rule, we wonder if L’il Kim-style dramatics are to follow here.
Cooperating with the police is soooo 1983.
Breaking a long silence, BGSU’s cannabis fans earn the University two points for a multi-person marijuana offense. Mid-majors represent!
One half of of the most sexually suggestive quarterback duo in the nation, John David Booty, will be out for spring practices with back spasms and disc problems, leaving freshman Mark “Dirty” Sanchez the entirety of spring to sign his name onto the upper lip of Trojan starterdom.
If Sanchez does triumph over Booty, it’ll mark the second year in a row that the quarterback perceived to be hottest by Boi From Troy won the starting slot. (Leinart doesn’t really count since, as incoming Heisman winner he couldn’t have been killed out of the starting spot, but don’t stand between us and shoehorning the world into a ridiculous, semi-comic theory. It’s something bloggers like to do, we’re told.)
So the new rule is: whoever your girlfriend/wife/significant other/mail-order bride/gay dude friend thinks is hotter will inevitably win the starting job over the less fetching challenger. It’s the Boi rule, and we’ll apply it throughout spring practice to decide quarterback controversies, soliciting input from female readers and the ever-key gay college football fan demo to test its validity.
Syracuse sophomore Nick Chestnut, playing in his first practice since switching from wide receiver to corner, intercepted a pass at Syracuse practice. This would be remarkable if cornerbacks hadn’t been catching Syracuse passes for the better part of a year now; Syracuse exhausted the English language in redefining horrendous offense, starting out bad, going to wretched, making a quick descent through execrable and blighted before slipping into an ineffably pestilential sub-basement of deplorable we really haven’t properly formed a word for yet.
The hiring of new offensive coordinator Brian White away from Wisconsin has to be an improvement on the offensive coaching staff–this is a meaningless statement, actually, since putting the XBox in charge would have been an improvement–especially since Wisconsin, in between bizarre spasms like a 7-2 loss to UNLV, has had one of the more quietly effective attacks in football over the past decade.
White, by the way, has to be wasting more expensive private education than even Mike Leach as a multi-degreed football coach: a BA from Hahhhvard, a master’s from Fordham, and an MBA from Notre Dame. With that kind of profligate terminal student status, he probably really needs to the work just to stay a step ahead of Citibank.
Brian White: playah got degreez like WHOA.
Well, actually no–but they might have taken cell phone bennies from a local cell provider! Isn’t that risque enough for you? Listen, we know we’re all hankering for some explosive, Oklahoma ‘84 style expose to come along…but in the mean time, someone’s been giving the Hawkeyes cell phones. CELL PHONES, WE TELL YOU! We all know they’re a gateway drug for larger, more elaborate forms of outlandish communication equipment. We’ve got to nip this in the bud before meth-hopped Iowans are the first thing our alien overlords hear…(HT: MiamiHawkTalk.)
Oh, it starts with cell phones. It ends with the VLA–and who wants that in their backyard?
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