Georgia Tech head coach Chan Gailey has offered $5,000 dollar bonuses to each of his assistant coaches if they defeat Georgia this year. The bonuses reflect similar incentive clauses in Gailey’s own contract, which include:

(Note: if you don’t know or care who Chan Gailey is, refer to said shorthand to understand upcoming lines. Chan Gailey= 8-5 + Emerald Nuts Bowl + Ronald Reagan just before naptime in January of 1989. Mix in a pinch of anyone ever called “Gentleman Jim,” toss in a dash of howdy, and sprinkle liberally with befuddlement…Voila! Behold Georgia Tech’s head coach.)

In case you wonder what Gailey does most days it’s …well, this.

Ahem…the clauses include:

–Uninterrupted naptime on Tuesdays following conference wins.

–Pudding every Wednesday following an ACC win. Mmmm….pudding.

–New sparkly paint job on the bass boat with ACC championship game appearance AND special fishing session with Bill Dance.

–With ACC championship win, Gailey has the option to push the ever-clumsy Dance out of the boat.

–Bowl game not played before Christmas? Hello, Mr. “Matt Houston Season 1″ on DVD!

–Win that game? Say hello to my little bonus friend “Riptide, Season 1!”

Stephen J. Cannell…genius.

–With BCS bowl game: special lapdance from Crystal Gayle.

–Beat Georgia? Officially allowed to finally bench Reggie Ball after incriminating photos of Gailey going hogwild in Saigon brothel circa 1971 are destroyed per contract agreement with Ball family.

–Beat Georgia and win bowl game? Custom copy of NCAA 2007 with Chan Gailey playbook, containing “fade, trap, screen, and slant–only” playbook.

–Win nine games? All the crystal meth-laced Geritol he can handle, plus a hundred pounds of marijuana found in a duffel bag in Reuben Houston’s dorm room.

–With another 8-5 season, Gailey can retire and sit on the pile of cash he’s barely earned. Oh, wait…that one’s actually going to happen.