Sure, your mascot might have “tradition.” But does he wear a beanie and get tackled by Steve Irwin? Albert makes a quality appearance in one of ESPN’s funnier commercials in recent memory, giving Steve Irwin the redassed beatdown he deserves.

Youtube: the best thing since penicillin and big asses.

The House Rock Built’s Dink and Dunk this week has to be linked by us, if only for references to obsessive NCAA 2006 play and to Leak running the option.

After a lull, a peppering of incidents necessitated a thorough updating of the Fulmer Cup scoreboard by our admin Big Mike. Courtesy of our benefactor, we present the updated full Fulmer Cup standings:

For the full list, check out this page, which has the beautiful sidebars complete with a new feature, “TEAMS ON THE BUBBLE.” Mike does, for the record, have a penis so large he can block out the sun, a talent he’s used to extort billions from helpless world leaders. (As part of his retainer fees for creating and maintaining the board, we have to say nice things about him on the blog, so there you go, Mike.)

Delaware, as you can see, is clearly the George Mason of our tourney, heads and shoulders above everyone else for the combined “breaking and entering/armed robbery/steroid robbery” incident they obviously cribbed from the lost drafts of a Tarantino or Darren Aronofsky script. Purdue’s small but determined pattern of incidents still has them sky-high in the standings, but even now at the end of March we’ve yet to see major substantiated incidents from Tennessee, Florida State, or Miami. Brian noted the other day that this year’s race for the BCS was “the most wide open college football has been.” It appears this applies to the Fulmer Cup, as well, though any crimes that unseat Delaware at this point may require the calling of the National Guard, a raising of the DHS Alert Level, or the announcement of Defcon-1 by the Strategic Air Command.

Enjoy your weekend, and please do Football Outsiders a favor by stopping by and reading their story on NHL athletes and their very, very personal involvement with autism research.

Alabama fans, enjoy A-Day–it’ll be the last time you see John Parker Wilson go through an entire game unharmed–we wish we could be there for the barbecue.

75 years ago today, Notre Dame coach Knute Rockne died in a plane crash in Kansas. His lifetime record at just the age of 43: 105-12-5.

.881 lifetime. Yikes.

The bizarre career trajectory of Ed Zaunbrecher, former offensive wunderkind at Marshall who followed [NAME REDACTED] to Florida and subsequent demotion, takes another unpredictable zag as the coach works one day of spring practice as quarterbacks coach at Illinois before quitting to take the quarterbacks coaching job at Purdue.

Zaunbrecher, who in case you haven’t been following his career was the guy who prepped Byron Leftwich and Chad Pennington for the NFL, joined Team [NAME REDACTED] in 2002 as part of Mr Better and Better’s first Florida staff. Under [NAME REDACTED], Zaunbrecher’s diverse spread attack all but disappeared, replaced instead with a clenched-buttocked attack that appeared to consist of:

a. Shotgun draw
b. Five yard curls
c. TE post
d. (Most notoriously) The bubble screen

Zaunbrecher, who was once one of the hotter assistants around, faded into oblivion as a three headed monster of Zaunbrecher, “perimeter game coordinator” Larry Fedora, and [NAME REDACTED] called games. The attack still had some teeth–after all, their 2004 O scored more points than this year’s Meyer squad–but suffered typically [NAME REDACTED]ish brainlock at critical points, disappearing for whole quarters whenever the head coach put his cursed fingers on the button and demanded that they “keep it close and win it in the fourth.” In his final season Zaunbrecher was relegated to qb coach entirely, with Fedora taking over playcalling.

Here’s hoping Zaunbrecher, like anyone leaving an abusive relationship, cranks up his chosen version of “I Will Survive” and goes on to success at Purdue. Like everyone else associated with [NAME REDACTED], he’ll hopefully recover from the incompetent sodomizing of his potential that passes for “effort” with that coach. (When reached for comment, [NAME REDACTED] claimed to be “excited” about the resignation, that Illinois’ offensive woes were “correctable,”and that Illinois would keep getting “better and better” under his watch. Good luck with that!) (HT: The Wiz.)

When he heard about the resignation, he headbutted a snack machine and called a bubble screen.

After a year of steadily weaker lattes and double cappucinos, Urban Meyer has had it with local Starbucks’ barista and UF graduate student Derek Woolsey.

“It’s time for Derek to nut up and show he’s a part of the Gator Nation. It’s time for him to show up and do his job. If I have to to, I’ll go to the Speedy Mart for a buck’s worth of brown swill rather than put up with the garbage I’m drinking now,” Meyer said from his car Thursday morning, sipping a cinnamon mocha double latte he described as “sex-in-a-canoe weak.”

Demands quality from his baristas.

“I’m disappointed that Derek hasn’t responded and shown the leadership we require of him. I’m disappointed he makes spindly caffeinated drinks. I’m disappointed that he hasn’t risen to the challenge. Sometimes I think he just doesn’t buy into it like other the on-campus baristas like Kelly the strangely attractive girl with the nose ring. She, now she gets it.”

Meyer put the cup down with a look of disgust. “Maybe when Kelly’s the manager and ordering him around at the Oaks Mall location Derek will get it, too.”

Derek, a second-year graduate student in public health, has been serving Meyer’s lattes on the early morning shift since the coach’s arrival in Gainesville last year. (more…)

Prepackaged and just waiting for the MSM to use them wholesale as a roadmap–here’s the Pac-10 bubbling hype for 2006 as determined by our own purely subjective reading of what columnists, pundits, and bloggers alike are divining eons ahead of the actual season.

Stanford Big shrugs for the most part in the early running for the fix on Stanford’s season, which means no one seems to a.) care much, or b.) have driven out to Palo Alto to see what Walt Harris is up to out there. Generally agreed that their run game is pathetic, with ESPN providing the best description of the morning:

The bad news is these guys were as soft as an overripe avocado in 2005.

Mmmm…guacamole. Good on chips. Bad if you’re an offensive line coach, which led to Stanford replacing John McDonnell with Doug Sams. McDonnell left for Purdue, a team shedding coaches like scales, so unless McDonnell’s got some seriously brilliant and unanticipated counterintuition going on here…well, we don’t want to say it was a bail job that Harris happily acquiesced to, but we just did.

Mmm. Guacamole.

Preseason bubble-hype rating: Tepid. Walt Harris makes noise with offense, so it’s hard for him to earn much a Q rating in a conference known for parabolic fades and the skinny post.

Oregon State Thinking “Mike Riley” doesn’t google up “excitement” in your head, unless we’re talking about gay sheep and beating up cab drivers as “excitement.” Using that definition, excitement’s been on the downlow in Corvallis, right where we imagine it usually is: no felonies, no extravagantly weird crimes, and no excuse for us to type the name Jimtavis when posting. (Shame, actually–as a commenter pointed out, the name “Jimtavis” itself should come with a Fulmer Cup point.)

Mike Hass is gone, so OSU qbs must learn how to throw to other receivers, but besides that we’ve heard nary out of the Beaver Nation aside from OregonLive’s dogged Behind the Beaver Beat Blog, one of the best paper-anchored blogs around. They’re the ones pimping the storylines: a three way battle for qb, the Hass-placebo story, and the dangerously large size of O-lineman Jeremy Perry’s arms.

Preseason bubble-hype rating: cold stove. Aside from almost losing to Boise State last year, OSU’s got little to no buzz surrounding it. Remember when they were on the cover of SI? That team’s coach is in Idaho now, and OSU’s back to baseline when it comes to prominence. One gay sheep theft, though, and that could all change in an instant.

USC Metric tons of hype, mostly of the imperial variety, surround USC. Booty. Sanchez. Tailback. Linebacking battles. The general read splits one of two ways: USC will plug and play with new parts, or USC will plug and flub as big programs sometimes do when retooling.( Retooling is what really good teams do; rebuilding is what gets coaches of bad teams fired.)

Preseason bubble-hype rating: Rolling boil. The marquee media team of 2005 and ESPN’s darling, they’ll be superseded by Notre Dame for the crown of most scrutinized team–”OMG what’s on Brady Quinn’s IPod I have to know GIMME GIMME GIMME”–but not by much. The qb battle would have boosted them to “frothing and boiling out of control,” but Sanchez for the moment has the snaps locked down thanks to Booty’s bad disk.

Brady Quinn: set to get the Leinart treatment in 2006. Complimentary starlet Alyssa Milano included.

UCLA. At least they don’t have to make a new jersey for the qb: it’s Olson again, this time with a “Ben” in front of it, and he’s looked great in scrimmages. He is playing against UCLA’s defense, though, which made quick-twitch geniuses out of every qb they faced last year. Lots of bluster about UCLA improving their defense has been bandied about with the arrival of new DC Dewayne Walker, who’s going to go pro-style and throw the kitchen sink at offenses. This could just mean big plays given up in the teeth of very interesting blitzes instead of big plays yielded to bland blitzes.

Preseason bubble-hype rating: simmer Dorell’s got media attention, but the writers and community follow the fans’ lead on Dorell: cautious optimism reigns.

Arizona Probably making the greatest gains in terms of media attraction, and seating themselves firmly at the potential dark horse candidate table in the eyes of the media. Stoops got the recruiting class and made just enough racket in the Pac-10 last year to generate some momentum, including the 52-14 embarrassment of UCLA in Tucson and nearly beating Oregon. Willie Tuitama gives everyone a marquee name to develop and hang on, while Stoops’ influx of jucos and blue-chippers fortifies the defense.

Preseason bubble-hype rating: simmer No one seems to be expecting a complete renaissance, but call them the Ole Miss of the West: a 3-8 team with a toughass coach, a developing defense, and a qb who’s just athletically freakish enough to garner media interest. Like the Orgerons, only without the ritual sacrifice and pitfighting sessions.

Pitfighting: not a required part of the Arizona training regimen.

Coming tomorrow: the remainder of the Pac-10’s bubblicious hype ratings.

Steal a PlayStation, earn a Fulmer Cup point…Marshall, always a strong contender at both the felony and misdemeanor levels of the Fat Man Trophy, earns a chintzy but still humorous point for Ahmad Bradshaw’s theft of a PlayStation 2 from a fellow student’s dorm room. To think, if he’d flat-out steal for an outdated PS2, what would the desperate Bradshaw have done for an XBox 360?

Ahmad Bradshaw: amused by any means necessary.

Award Marshall a single Fulmer cup point. Updated scoreboard up tomorrow, so tell Big Mike how sexy he is in the comments below and he’ll be quick with it.

The succession struggle at USC just tilted with the announcement that John David Booty, whose back was already a source of concern, will likely have to have surgery on his back. Mark Sanchez will take the majority of the snaps during spring, while Booty lays on a bed in a dark room watching film and raising his fist to the sky while screaming “SANCHEZ!!!” No word if the part Sanchez will be played by Robert Davi.

This may be the first and last time any blog anywhere alludes to License to Kill, which, like every Bond movie, we’ve seen a few too many times for our own good. It did have Talisa Soto, which means it wasn’t a complete waste of time watching Timothy Dalton acting constipated for two hours.

(Sung to the tune of “Canyonero”)

Can you name the form of essay that thrived
With dirty old socialists in ‘thirty-five?

Manifesto! (YAH!) Manifesto!

The House Rock Built has his own manifesto up, produced in response to Cowherdgate. We’re sending him his own modified Mustache Wednesday ’stache, the modified “Class Struggle Goatee” model, as a favor for his efforts. (We kid! Fine work. Seriously, though, send us your address and we’ll send you a goatee. We just won’t tell you whose goatee it is.

Bloggers of the world, unite! In a strictly libertarian, voluntary sense, of course.