Bagging her would be like doing a blow-up doll that sounded like Sloth from Goonies. I have always wondered what sort of bleat she makes when experiencing le petit morte.

Worst concert experience: Van Halen, 1982. The World’s Fair was in my hometown of Knoxville, TN (headline: The Scruffy Little City Did It!) and I got to spend an evening watching poster-child-for-ritalin David Lee Roth doing his roundhouse kicks and generally making an ass out of himself. Isn’t he a paramedic or something these days?

Worst restaurant experience: it wasn’t a date, per se, but I was at the Houston’s near Perimeter Mall, Atlanta. It was one of those tip-your-waiter-for-free-meal so the staff can practice prior to opening. Well, my ‘date’ got her veggie burger, took one bite and freaked out. There was a live insect crawling around in there. The manager was very apologetic, gave us some coupons and tried to explain, “I assure you we have the freshest food available”. I’ll say!

Worst movie in theater: Easy. Transylvania 6500. If one more person says I look like Jeff Goldblum in that flick I will gouge out their eyeballs.

Work book I ever finished: Another easy one. The Firm. Makes me wish the entire city of Memphis would just cease to exist.

Worst looking celeb I’d &^%$#: Good question, mates. I don’t think anyone’s mentioned Greta Van Susteran, have they? Talk about an analytical experience. I’ve got dibs!

Worst Concert: Ex-Police guitarist Andy Summers’ on-campus instrumental bore-fest narrowly edged by Public Enemy as presented by USC’s Black Student Union. Me and my Japanese-American buddy were displaced from our prime seats by a member of said Black Student Union, and an usher tried to get us out of the aisle by suggesting that we were at risk of triggering a race riot. The opening act was a jam by Fishbone with “surprise guests” the Red Hot Chili Peppers. This was before RHCP had replaced Hillel Slovak, and the total preparation for the jam — as far as I can tell — was to stop off at Homicide Liquor (somewhere between MLK and Vernon on South Figueroa, if memory serves) and buy a whole bunch of 40s… Anyway, they stumbled off and Public Enemy came on. They made it through a couple of songs before Professor Griff started in on his interesting theories of the origins of whites. The crowd — 95% African-American, mind you — started to boo. Griff then went on to suggest that the audience should take this opportunity to beat the shit out of mixed race couples. The crowd went mental at this point; the usher had never accounted for the prospect that Griff was the one who would find a way to start a race riot without actually having that many “othermen” around… anyway, PE abandoned the concert at this point, except for Flava Flav, who attempted to freestyle until he was carried off the stage by a bodyguard… I’ve never seen anything quite like it, including the time when a very dyke-y young lady beat the sh*t out of someone at a Dead Milkman concert while the rest of us watched, pointed, and laughed… including the band.

3) Worst restaurant experience… the Hungry Pig motorway cafe, somewhere in the south of England circa 1978. Abysmal food, no toilet seats, towels, or windows in the outhouse in early January.

4) Ummm… don’t go to many movies so I’ll have to pick Contact with Jodie Foster. When she lost her second parent (careless!) and tried to contact them with her ham radio, my eyeballs actually shot out of my head and hit the screen. And then she became a scientist! My head hurts just thinking about it.

5) I don’t finish crap books, so can’t help you there.

6) Anne Coulter’s getting a bit slippery at this point; I’d pick another right-wing harpy but someone GILF-er laid claim to Grandma Bush already, and I couldn’t switch to the other wind and take the performance metrics reviews from Hillary Clinton. Out of politics then, and into Li’l Kim. That’s letting your d*ck do the thinking when it’s got a death wish.

2) What is the worst concert you’ve ever seen in person? – Toots and the Maytals opening for The Who in Atlanta, 1979, the Omni. The crowd that gathered to see The Who in 1979 Atlanta wasn’t prepared for reggae, no matter how stoned they were. One problem was that the southern white kids didn’t care about reggae, if they even knew what it was. The second problem is that Toots couldn’t take a hint, and instead played an overly long opening set. At first, the crowd applauded politely after his songs, then they just ignored him. As he kept on playing, the crowd started to boo after each song. Finally, during his final song, when the music broke so he could implore the crowd to clap along, he was greeted by deafening boos. He slammed the mic down and walked off the stage. He remains the only professional act that I’ve ever seen actually booed off the stage. The Who was great, as usual, even though Keith Moon was gone by this time.

3) What is the worst experience you’ve ever had at a restaurant? – In Amsterdam, on my first time there, trying to actually sample the local food, I ordered something that looked like barbeque (the really nasty, puree’d stuff that comes in a can) on a bun. (Don’t ask me why – I’m sure I was drunk at the time.) Instead of anything close to bbq, it instead tasted like cold dog food on a bun. I threw up a little in my mouth and then went to KFC instead. I wasn’t really there to try the food, anyway.

4) What is the worst movie you’ve ever seen in the theatre? – Nothing but Trouble, with Chevy Chase, Demi Moore, and Dan Aykroyd. I’ve never left a theater early, but this one almost made me leave. (I’ll stay just to sit on my ass, drink a ginormous Coke, and eat popcorn with imitation butter-flavored spray dripping off of it.)

5) What is the worst book you’ve actually finished? – I have no problem ditching a book that sucks, so I haven’t actually finished a book I didn’t enjoy since college. As for college, I think I read Madame Bovary, but I’ve tried to block if from my brain.

6) Who is the worst looking or least appealing celebrity you would have intimate relations with “just to tell the story”? – I’d do Hillary, just so I could slam her in front of my friends whenever her whiny ass came on the news.

2. Worst Concert: Standing for five or six hours to listen to five bands of which the headliner was Seven Mary Three. Pros: During a mid-90’s South By Southwest at the late, great Liberty Lunch in Austin and the Dirty Dozen Brass Band was okay. Cons: Standing for five hours just to find out that Seven Mary Three was the greatest name ever for a band with exactly one good song. Jesus.

3. Worst Restaurant Experience: Waiting an hour and a half for food at a campus area Taco Cabana on a Tuesday night (for non-Texans, it’s pseudo-fast food) and when we complained the explanation was that “the entire staff is epileptic”. Note: No strobe lights were present in the restaurant.

4. Worst Movie in theater: I’ve never walked out of a movie but friends had to restrain me 20 minutes into Batman & Robin. The only movie worse was The Avengers. I was too stunned by its horrendousness to even move. God will never forgive the sinners who made that film.

5. Worst Book: White Noise, Dom Delillo. This is what passed for “great literature” in the 80’s? I’d rather stick a fork in my eye than pick this book up again.

6. Celebrity: Anna Nicole Smith. At one point she may have been attractive, but now she’s a repulsive gargoyle who’s about to get her grubby mitts on a cubic ton of cash. Maybe I’d get a hefty tip for my services…

Stories like that make me pity my own life.

1) What is the worst DVD/video you own?
Without a doubt, goddamned motherfucking Thomas and the Magic Railroad.

Question: How do you make an endearing, heartwarming movie about love and talking trains that will win the hearts of children the world over?

Answer: With dour, 10-minute long Peter Fonda monologues (from the inside of a cave, no less), silly! Also make sure that he doesn’t smile even once.

To make it really fun, go to great lengths not to explain large portions of the plot. Let the kids use their little imaginations to fill in the gaping plot holes! It’s fun to imagine!

2) What is the worst concert you’ve ever seen in person?

As much as it may break my heart to say this: The Smashing Pumpkins. It was a “perfect storm” of concert crappiness: bad seats, bad performance, and a drunk chick behind me who didn’t know that they were a metal band yelling “play Thirty-Threeeeeeeee” all night.

3) What is the worst experience you’ve ever had at a restaurant?

About a year ago I took the Wife N’ Kids to the local Chili’s. for starters, the service was slow (something like 45 minutes before our orders were taken), the waitress got the orders wrong and the table we were seated at was dirty.

Apparently unsatisfied with her performance to this, the waitress managed to pull off the Triple Lendy of food service; she brought out my three-year-old son’s chicken nugget plate on fucking fire! She didn’t even realize it until another waiter snatched it off her tray and threw it in the bar sink.

4) What is the worst movie you’ve ever seen in the theatre?

Getting Away With Murder. Never heard of it? There’s a reason. Dan Akroyd is an ethics professor who discovers that his kindly neighbor may or not be a Nazi war criminal. Oh, the hilarity! I cannot honestly tell you what happens the in the rest of the movie for it has been wiped clean from my mind.

I went with a group of my frends went to see this infected canker sore of a movie because:

a. Our friend worked at the AMC where it was playing.
b. The other movie we could see was A Thin Line Between Love And Hate (if you knew how much I hate Martin Lawrence’s continuing sodomy of Richard Pryor’s greatness, you’d know why we chose not to see this one)

5) What is the worst book you’ve actually finished?

Dale Brown’s Chains of Command. If a chimp took a shit on 400 pages of a blank manuscript…

The worst crime of the book was when the author had the brass balls to name-check himself in the book.

“But zippo,” you object, “surely some B-grade Tom Clancy wouldn’t be so narcissistic as to bukkake his own book with the musky spunk of a self-induced name drop. He has to know his place on the literary food chain (well below even Michael Crichton, but above Sean Hannity)” I would normally agree with you, but sure as shit, there it is.

Tucked away in some astoundingly stupid passage about a pilot feeling the thrill of aviation. He describes the pilot feeling like he was a character in a Dale Brown novel. So my guess is that the pilot felt like a flimsy stereotype surrounded by a bunch of aviation jargon and military acronyms. Poor, poor one-dimensional pilot.

6) Who is the worst looking or least appealing celebrity you would have intimate relations with “just to tell the story”?

Man, Ann Coulter is strong. Lemmee see… ooh! I’ve got it! A threesome with Rhea Perlman and Camryn Manhiem Steamroller! You can start any freaky sex story with “Well I had an orgy with a dugong in a business skirt and the garbage troll from Cheers.”

Yeah, that’s fucking nasty. I’d have post-traumatic stress disorder after that.

In my experience this describes all, but about 3 Stephen King novels. The ending to Needful Things made me throw the book across the room.

2) What is the worst concert you’ve ever seen in person? When I covered minor league baseball, i would always put the National Anthem talent on the clock. 70 seconds was average. A girl in Norfolk – wanna-be Mary J Blige – put so many swoops and pauses and garbage in it, she almost broke 3 minutes (”and the hoooooommee, of the – (pause) B-R-A-V-E speeehlls – BR-AAAAAVEEEE!!!)

3) What is the worst experience you’ve ever had at a restaurant? First of all – come to Alaska: EVERY restraunt will rewrite your record book for bad service. it’s gotten to the point where I look forward to it. but I guess i’ll go with the night I went out with the big-spender crowd to the Double Musky in Girdwood, they went all in on drinks and apps, and when the bill came, took a VOTE and decided to split the check even. assholes.

4) WORST MOVIE/THEATRE? Can’t count Top Gun, cuz in jr. high when i saw it, the gay-orgy subtext was totally lost on me (which would have made it funnier). So besides ANY terrible chick-flick with Kate Hudson, I’m gonna have to extend this to a rental as a public service: Cabin Fever. For some reason, getting some buzz in some circles as ‘Cult Classic.’ No No No! Really – just dreadful, boring, student-film terrible.

5) WORST BOOK?
Absolutely anything with a picture of a bomber, helicopter or gas mask on the cover. Clancy and any and all of his imitators – i look back on my years of reading that genre (again missing the gay-orgy subtext all the while) with such a sense of despair.

6) “just to tell the story”?
Props to the Ann Coulter answer. Awesome pull.
Pat Summit circa 94?
I’ll take Kelly LeBrock, pre-Celebrity Fit Club.

2. Embarassed to mention this one. Stryper. Was 14 at the time. Those guys threw bibles into the crowd.

3. Resturant. Had a waitress drop a cup of ranch dressing on the floor. The cup holding the ranch must have been made out of titanium because it didn’t break, it turned about 8 revolutions in a quarter of a second and I was splattered with with the dressing. She came back with another cup of dressing and the dumb bitch dropped that one, and covered me again. I told the broad the first one was okay, now she owed me a beer. Instead I got a free iced tea, and she didn’t get a tip. I would have tipped her good, but too bad for her.

4. Worst movie. Cable Guy. A crap fest of a movie. I actually had a girlfriend buy me the cable guy soundtrack for Christmas one year. The CD is really good. Has some guys I had never heard of, along with people like Jerry Cantrell (Alice in Chains) and Cypress Hill. I still listen to it.

5. Stephen Kings “It”. 1200 pages of a great story of captivating horror. Too bad the book was about 1250 pages and I think King got tired of writing towards the end and let his 6 year old kid finish the story.

6. Celeb sex. How about getting it on with Gretta Van Suteren (sp?). Put your pecker in that, and you my friend are a sick freak.

I’m still ashamed that I actually typed Stryper. I’m going to go OD on some painkillers.

Worst Concert: I’ve been to very few concerts that weren’t classical music. Worst would have to be Guster at Notre Dame about 6 years ago. Guster was OK, for a one hit wonder, but their opening band sucked big time. They were called something like Joe’s Mock Brother and they played for half the evening. They were just lame, not even lame in a funny way.

Worst Restaurant: I was in Rome and a classmate of mine and I decided to get some lunch. We wandered around Trastevere, a very historic yet mostly untouristy neighborhood, and finally found what looked like the perfect little trattoria. We ordered lasagna. We were surprised when our waitress came back to our table within two minutes carrying two TV dinner lasagna meals. The lasagna was still frozen in the middle. Blech.

Worst Movie: Moulin Rouge. So pretentious and stupid! Really frenetic editing that gave me a headache. I would’ve left after the first 20 minutes but the pretentious art students who were my ride home just adored it.

Worst Book: “Surfacing” by Margaret Atwood, which was required reading for a class. Also a 500 page book that was a Catholic version of “Left Behind.” I don’t remember the title because it was just one of a large series of these books. It was given to me in the fall of 1999 by a girl who thought the world was going to end in 2000. How I managed to finish the book, I don’t know – I guess a combination of boredom and curiousity to see just how awful it really was.

I’d hit it celeb: Dick Cheney. He has a certain je ne sais quoi . . .