LD'S OFFSEASON CHALLENGE: WORST OF WORSTS

I have to take issue with your choice of Rachel Ray for two reasons, both of which come from this interview:

1) She insists that she is a spectacular tipper.

2) She utters the words, “I like raw nuts.” C’mon, now.

Yeah I hated those Proximety mines on Goldeneye as well, damn them to hell!!! But who doesnt want to get it on with Oprah????

America does love lists. Amerika, on the other hand does not. It promotes individuality, comrade.

1) Worst DVD. Easy – Idle Hands. I saw it when it came out in the theater just because it had this hot chick in it. (As Paul Harvey) And that chick became Jessica Alba, the hottest piece of ass since german chocolate ass cake.

2) Worst concert. Saw Matchbox 20 in Tally right before they hit it big. Show itself wasn’t bad – the fact that the chick I went with ended up porking the guitar player was bad. She couldn’t even do Rob Thomas.

3) Worst restaraunt experience. 2 weeks ago, I was at this yuppy scum bar/restaraunt in Austin. I’m sportin’ the beret so that I could score some street cred. Well, the bouncer guy tells me to take it off – it’s against their dress code. I’m like, “I’ll take that under advisement.” They didn’t take kindly to that. So, I left under my own accord. I think my white ass was black discriminated against. Black rage!

4) The Spice Girls movie. I was high, though, so that helped.

5) Worst book. EDSBS and I share a brain – it’s the Scarlet Letter. Only Mein Kempf tops this as the most depressing moment in publishing.

6) Celeb boning. Queen Latifah. She looks like the type of chick who would reward her rent-a-wang. Maybe with a new car or some quality municiple bonds.

With productivity way too high at work today, thought I’d plop down my answers:
1. The Story of Us (bruce willis & michelle pfeiffer) – ex bought it for me.
2. Santana – he blew.
3. Indian Restaurant at World Disney World. I puked over a railing while eating, and the vomit trickled into the “It’s a Small World” river. Funny in hindsight.
4. King Kong – I was supposed to see Memoirs of a Geisha with a hot girl, and she fucked up the movie times. So I thought it was just my luck that we’d see Kong. I was wrong.
5. plainsong – some book about nothing. a guy in the office recommended it. he’s now gay in my book.
6. Star Jones. It would be like going hogging to the Nth degree. And really, is there any funnier line than “I fucked Star Jones in the starfish!” (The starfish being chocolate is implied)

Dude, everyone knows Ass Lickers 4 is the “Rocky V” of its series. Ass Lickers 2 is where the action’s at.

DVD: Pooh’s Heffalump Movie.
Concert: Lionel Richie.
Restaurant: Being at the Houston’s in Dunwoody when the cops shot a guy to keep him from stabbing his date.
Movie: Hoffa.
Book: Ulysses.
Celebrity: Laura Bush.

Damn, Swindle, we’ve got more in common than I realized. During my junior year at the shittiest HS on the face of the earth, I was treated to a tear gassing (motherfuckers). After the gassing, I was faced with the following options:

Breathe—resulting the greatest fucking pain you can imagine.
Don’t breathe—resulting in death (well, I guess resulting in passing out, but still).

How bad was it? When I used to teach religion classes at UGA, I told the classes “If you forget everything else I’ve taught you, remember this—when the so-called authorites threaten you with tear gas, give up. You have lost.”

Oh, yeah, I’d also love to sodomize Rachael. That said, our motives would be decidedly different. I do love that photo—damn, man, look at the size of that mouth!

I, too, must confess to having once owned “Idle Hands” strictly for the heaping helpings of Alba booty it contained.

And yeah, The Scarlet Letter does suck monkey ass.

Solon, good to hear from you. We’ll have to give you the Orson test:

Have you ever…

…been in a motorcycle wreck?
..been beaten up by a retarded girl in your youth?
..broken your arm with your forehead?
…been hospitalized in a third world country?
…attended more than one party in an evening gown?
…shared an elevator with Carrot Top?
…read Max, the Dog That Refused To Die eight times?
…have a suffocating man-crush on Pork Chop Womack?

If so, you may be Orson.

seriously, is there a funnier line in cinema other than “look at me, I’m Leatherface”?

Worst Band: Mogwai
Worst DVD: Highball (I was fooled into thinking it was written and directed by the guy who did the brilliant “Kicking and Screaming” and pretty good “Mr. Jealousy” by the Amazon review. Low Budget suckiness)
Worst Movie: Congo. Tim Curry reached a new low.
Worst Book: Orson knows this is a tough one for me. I’ll have to go with Cold Sassy Tree. Required reading, very mediocre.
Worst Restaurant: Numerous instances of bad food, but no vomiting, tear gasing or shooting so I’ll go with expensive disappointment at the Palm. Worst Chicken Picatta I’ve ever had, the Filet Mignon was pedestrian. The best thing I had were the onion straws but for 100 bucks without liquor for 2 that is sad.
Celebrity Bang for the story: I’m going with any one of the Bushes, Laura, Barbara (the Younger), her twin or even Jeb’s renegade daughter. I’d immediately go on Oprah to tell the story…. and introduce her to Orson.

Shit, man—I can’t match those.

I have…

…been played to a draw in badminton by a retarded 15-year-old
…lived at six places in a space with a total area of less than 500 sq. ft.
…been in a car that ran over a bird
…seen Grease something like 50 times
…shared an airplane with Ron Franklin (fucker ignored me, even though I had my Phil Steele)
…gone to a High School prom in my late 20’s
…been roused by the Police at 4 AM at a train station in Prague (I was left alone once they realized I wasn’t a gypsy)
…‘slept’ with sisters, at the same time

But that’s all I’ve got. I think you win.

Prepare to be knighted by the EDSBS denizens for sleeping with sisters, man.

Worst concert – Bo Diddly at the Florida Theater. I paid $5 bucks for my ticket with the proceeds going to charity and I wanted my money back. The show started with Bo Diddley’s grandson, Philosopher G, as the opening act. After 30 or so minutes of Philosopher G’s “rap”. Bo Diddley finally came on stage. He played a few of his classics then broke out some home made instruments which were essentially guitar bodies with drum machines strapped to them. Bo Diddley and Philosopher G proceeded to “break it down” with these drumtars for about 45 minutes while we stood about 5 feet from Bo Diddley’s daughter screaming “Go Daddy” surrounded by some very large men. Two hours of my life I’ll never get back.

1. DVD/Video – Fever Pitch. An aunt got this for me because I’m a Sox fan. She meant well, but, shit.
2. Concert – Blink-182. There is some serious studio magic going on with those CDs – aside from the drummer, they can’t play their instruments.
3. Restaurant – I live in NY, land of a million good restaurants. A buddy of mine from high school visited and insisted on the TGIFriday’s near Rockefeller Center. He is dead to me.
4. Movie – Unbreakable.
5. The Da Vinci Code. As bad as Angels and Demons was, and yes, for some fucking reason I read them both, this book is way worse. (Runner up, the Bill Simmons Red Sox book – same story as the movie, but with another aunt.)
6. Ann Coulter.

I took a run at these questions on my blog. Great idea by LD.

Somehow, I’m not surprised that your story happened at The Local. Anything across the street from the Clermont gets drawn into a vortex of iniquity from which no good can come. And I have my suspicions about Dugan’s, as well. Ponce, bitches!

Dugan’s is pretty nice, btw. We used to live right down the street and get odd glances by sitting at the bar for Thursday night games and being one of three white people in the whole place.

DVD: SLC Punk. still don’t know what i was on when i got it.
Concert: Blue Sky. my high school put it on for senior week or something, and maybe 12 people showed up.
Restaurant: i went to a chili’s or something with some friends, who brought their friends, who proceeded to act like complete idiots. bitching about everything, drinking their sweet tea as quickly as possible, being as loud and lewd as possible. plus, i hate places like chili’s.
Movie: as stated above, the story of us.
Book: Haunted, by Chuck Palahnuik. i like his stuff, that that shit was terrible.
Celebrity: John Rocker

I’m going to go on record here as saying I’ve got a thing for Rachel Ray, even though she is exceedingly annoying. Of course, she can’t hold a candle to Giada DeLaurentis, she of the plunging necklines.

DVD: Mixed Nuts…Steve Martin movie, bought it from the 2 for $11 bin at Wal-Mart.
Concert: BB King.
Restaraunt: Anytime I go to O’Charleys.
Movie: Dune…THE worst movie ever made.
Book: Never finished a book I did not like.
Celebrity: Tonya Harding

Ann Coulter! Buulfog that is BRILLIANT.

DVD: The Rock
Concert:It hurts me to say this, but Clutch was terrible live
Resturant: alpinglow in bend Oregon. Great resturant but I had just put my dog down.
Movie: Both the worst and one of the best movie experiences was Independence day witb a theater full of cowboys who were literally whoopin and hollerin “yeeeehah”.
Book: anything I have read by Hemingway

I’ve always wondered about Dugan’s on Ponce. It seems huge, but I rarely see anyone there. The only other time I’ve ever heard it brought up was when a colleague said he loved the place because after you get a pitcher of beer and pour out the first glass or two, they put a solo cup of ice in the pitcher (floating) to keep the remaining beer cold. Seemed like a good idea and I’ve never seen anyplace else do it.

The answers I’ve seen so far to the meme are pretty great. It’s amazing how many answers I’ve seen have made me say “Oh yeah, I read/saw that and it sucked terribly!”. And Orson, a commenter to the original post I believe chose Terri Schiavo, which made me laugh/throw up in my mouth/feel ashamed.

Coulter is an interesting one – but I’d be afraid that she’d be the top and I’d be the bottom.

They DO put a floating cup of ice in the beer, LD. Genius. The reason you never see anyone there is that it doesn’t really fill up ’til nine or so, after which it can be packed. The Clermont crowd sometimes wanders over, but our favorite crowd is the black ninja biker crew who congregates there with their Ducattis and full flak jackets. Awesome.

Glad we could make you laugh/throw up/feel ashamed.

DVD: USC’s trojan nation 2005 Season in review
Concert: Any rap act I’ve seen and that includes Lil’ Kim, Eve, Jay-Z,
Restaurant: The drive through of the taco bell in State College- Ever get the feeling as you get your food that the staff is snickering at you? Trust me: throw that shit away!
Movie: Street Fighter
Book: I’m going to have to go with Haunted- Specifically cause I tried to put it down several times but kept coming back. Throw that shit away!

Stranko,

I have to agree with you on Congo. I think that what made it worse was all of the marketing and product tie in they did… Which means, someone looked at the movie and decided they needed to spend a lot more money on it.

“Amy good gorilla.”

DVD – Pearl Harbor. I don’t know how anyone can ruin a war movie, but they did.

Concert – Van Halen, circa 1991(?), in Jacksonville. Sammy Hagar was awful, the show only lasted about an hour.

Restaurant – There was a little Cuban place in downtown Gainesville, I forget the name, where my date and I sat for 30 minutes without being so much as looked at by the wait staff. We got up and left.

Movie – Highlander 2: The Sequel That Should Not Be. If you’ve seen it, there’s no need for me to explain.

Book – Heart of Darkness. They made me read it in high school and I can’t remember anything about it other than dead hippo smells really bad.

Celebrity – Sandra Bernhart. Sure, she’s ugly as sin. But she’s also bisexual, so there’s a good chance she will bring company and get really freaky.

1.) DVD orange county..gift..blows ass
2.) concert last jimmy buffett show I went to. I had to go sober and he played only new stuff
3.) movie- tie- Unbreakable and The Matrix three…whatever the hell it was called
4.)book- Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer (totally kidding) actually it’s The Crucilbe…ahhhhh miserable.
5.) resturaunt- Mi Cocina in Dallas…the epitome of everything that sucks about Dallas..over priced, trendy, bad food and filled with thiry-thousand dollar millionaires…nothing like ten dollar margaritas.
6.)celeb- Serena Williams…obvioulsy. If she is considered too hot, then Hillary Clinton

1) What is the worst DVD/video you own? Pokemon — The Movie. I won’t watch that one even to keep a sick toddler happy.

2) What is the worst concert you’ve ever seen in person? Believe it or not, Lou Reed. He opened for U2 at Wembley Stadium and was (a) drugged out of his mind, (b) completely pissed at being an opening act, © indifferent to the whole experience, man, or (d) all of the above. The Pogues were also on the bill, and Shane McGowan was more coherent and less of a sociopath than Lou Reed.

3) What is the worst experience you’ve ever had at a restaurant? Can’t really think of one off the top of my head — well, at least not one that isn’t covered by a non-disclosure agreement.

4) What is the worst movie you’ve ever seen in the theatre? Prince of Tides. The book was great, but the movie is reason #6,873 why Barbra Streisand should be euthanized.

5) What is the worst book you’ve actually finished? Anything by Henry James. If he were alive today, he couldn’t get published and would wind up as the manners expert on Queer Eye, trying to make everyone seem more “continental.”

6) Who is the worst looking or least appealing celebrity you would have intimate relations with “just to tell the story”? Angelina Jolie. Yeah, I know this wouldn’t be most guys’ answer, but, as far as I’m concerned, every one of those tattoos morphs into something reading “Billy Bob Thornton was here,” and, let me tell you, that shit just ain’t right.

(I’ll trade you Angelina for Rachel Ray.)

1) Got to be The Bodyguard starring Sonny Chiba, aka Karate Kiba. For some reason after seeing Kill Bill I thought Sonny Chiba movies, even those available at the South Bend Meijer for $5.99, would be cool. This disgraceful film proved me wrong.

2) Sadly, it was Robert Plant. Keeping in mind that I never go to concerts unless I’m sure I’ll enjoy them, he was stoned out of his mind and essentially sleepwalking. This would have been about 2003.

3) Tie between a diner in Niagara, Ontario and my one and only meal ever at an ESPNZone, in Chicago. I was at the diner for breakfast and had sausage and eggs—the sausage was badly undercooked, so I sent it back. I then saw the waitress move my sausage onto another plate, with her hands, and serve it at another table. Disgusting.

The ESPNZone was a combination of terrible service, overpriced everything, and a slave-like refusal to change the channel, even when the game they were scheduled to show was bumped. Here I am in Chicago watching NC State play in overtime on 12 TVs while Notre Dame is supposed to be playing on half of them, because the manager was a moron. When ND proceeded to lose, I was taunted by a waiter.

4) Tough. I’m going with I Spy. But the only movie I’ve ever walked out of remains Fantasia, and I was like nine at the time.

5) I didn’t much enjoy On the Road, which is supposed to be good or revolutionary or something.

6) Hillary Clinton.

Worst DVD: This is easy….“Dude, Where’s My Car”. I don’t think even smoking a fattie rolled by Bob Marley himself, sealed by the wetness of Scarlet Johansson’s p*ssy lips, and lit by the Swedish Bikini team could have kept me from attempting to gouge out my eyeballs with a rusty hangar while watching that movie. But my friend wanted to see it.

Worst Concert: Tibetan Freedom Festival at Alpine Valley, Wisconsin. 1.5 hour drive away. Sunday afternoon. “Lawn Seating”. No alcohol to consume. No alcohol sold at the venue. Ran out of cigarettes. Hundreds of hairy arm-pitted, granola-eating, tree-hugging Wisconsin women abound. Started raining. No blanket or tarp to sit on. The 45-degree angle lawn seating becomes the world’s biggest slip and slide. Temperature drops. No jacket. Beastie Boys do not go on until 10 pm. By 10:17 the entire show is over. 2.5 hour drive back in the rain. Work at 8:30 am the next day.

Worst Restaraunt Experience: Attempting to find an “authentic” Mexican restaurant just off the main strip in Tijuana. Ended up drinking exactly one vile beer at a booth while being accosted by a pair of disgusting whores looking to perform activities that will not be named for a few of the almighty American dollars. All this at 2 o’clock in the afternoon.

Movie: Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. I am still looking for ways to get those 2 hours of my life back.

Book: Any poem by Walt Whitman that our nutty English professor made us read. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Just don’t feel the need to read about it.

Celebrity: Kathie Lee Gifford. While she tells me stories of what Cody did at school that day.

Here are my answers, enjoy:

http://wtgw.blogspot.com/2006/02/just-plain-awful.html

In reference to Congo, it did give us the first Bruce Campbell action figure, which should count for something in its defense.

All right, I’ll bite.

1. DVD: Bugsy Malone starring Scott Baio and Jodie Foster. Don’t know it? Imagine 12-year olds pretending they are gangsters and lip-syncing bad songs sung by Paul Williams. The best part is that I have the chinese version so the only recognizable thing on the case is a very young Jodie Foster amidst lots of writing I don’t understand.

2. Worst concert: Collective Soul at the Big Kahuna in Wilmington, DE (circa 1997 or 1998). Bad band plays on a barge in a canal next to a polynesian-themed bar/adult arcade in a boring city. It is always a bad sign when the no-name opening band gets a bigger cheer for covering Crazy Train than the headliner does for their “hits”. Awesome.

3. Worst restaurant: Thankfully, I can’t say I have a horrible one, but there are a lot of close calls from having spent more than seven years of my life in South Bend. Nick’s Patio at about 3am comes to mind for more than one occasion.

4. Worst Movie: Easy. Blade II. I don’t think they meant it to be a comedy…

5. Worst Book: Wild Animus by Richard Shapero. Okay, so my first run in with this book was a free copy obtained on the streets of Chicago. After reading about an acid head who drops out of Berkeley in the late 60s to find his “wild animus” by making a costume out of a goat and trying to climb mountains as that animal I thought I was left with nothing more than a good answer to this type of question. But then I was leaving an Allman Brothers concert this summer and was offered a cd with selections from the book read by Peter Coyote (I’d read the book about two years prior). Ugh. I can’t escape this piece of crap.

6. Celebrity Love: It was already said, but Sandra Bernhart gets my vote. I know she’d be running the show, but I’m pretty confident it would be unforgettable.

Cause I’m a sucker for this stuff…
1) Fantasia. I saw it once and thought it was unbelieveable. Now, I pick it up and say naaahh. I can’t even give it away.
2) Spin Doctors. WHAT WAS I THINKING??!! Oh yeah, I was a freshman in college, and didn’t know good concerts.
3) I travel a lot in 3rd world countries, and there can be some pretty horrible dining experiences. Excluding those, I was getting together with some college buddies and their wives, and not only did I fall on the “having a baby” / “miscarrage X-times” sword, one of the wives announced that they were going through a seperation. A pretty bleak evening. I felt like Ray Liotta in “Goodfellas”, and couldn’t wait to get done with dinner.
4) “Ice Pirates” I was 10 years old, and still thought the movie sucked. I also detesed my time at “Return of the King” only because of the completely geeked-out, dressed-up, emoting to the screen, and standing up at the end and clapping audience though.
5) “Insomina” by Stephen King. Just a rancid, 700+ page read. Never touched another Stephen King book after that.
6) Carrie Fisher. Have you seen her lately? She is bloated and bitchy, and it would cause three of my friends to have a hemmorage if we were watching Star Wars I threw out the casual line “yeah, I fucked her. Horrible lay.”

DVD – The Royal Tennebaums. Over rated. Anything with Ben Stiller should be banned.

Concert – America. And it was free for me! They had zero energy; came out played through the song list; for the encore, wait for it, Horse With No Name. Played three beer songs.

Restaurant – In St. Pete Beach, ate at a steak house. The biff was tough. The waitress was indifferent. The Diet Coke was watery. And it took me 10 minutes to see the waitress. If I had not been traveling all day, I would have left. But at 9 p.m. in some tourist hell, I figured it was the best I could do.

Movie – Mystrey, Alaska. How could it be? Rusell Crowe on skates bad.

Book – Anything by Robert Ludlum. Borne Identity was cool (I was 17 at the time), but the rest of it was pure crap.

Celebrity – Jennifer Capriati. I would give a reach around, but that as much as “she” should expect.

1) I was given Bye-Bye Birdie as a gift but I sold it on eBay. I wouldn’t have a worst now.
2) I’m presuming we’re talking about professional musicians and not idiots in bar or at an open-mike night, so I’ll go with Against Me!, they played too fast and their fans were too gung-ho. A great band otherwise though.
3) Seasons in Williamsburg, VA. Their onion rings had waaay too much garlic and then I got food poisoning from the ribs.
4) House of Wax
5) “Travels with Charlie” by John Steinbeck
6) Joan Rivers

Worst DVD we (as in Me and the Mrs) own: Saved. My sister bought it for us thinking we’d have the same shitty movie taste she does. It sits wrapped on the shelf, looking like crap.

Worst concert ever seen in person: Widespread Panic, 1997. Crap on a stick. Trying too hard to be say, Phish or DMB, but not even close.

Worst restaurant experience: Any Japanese-style hibachi restaurant. The food rocks. Aftermath: not so pretty, bordering on third-world country style deadly.

Worst movie ever seen in a theater: Monster’s Ball. Halle Berry naked was a positive, but the nakedness of Billy Bob Thornton far outweight any benefit. Plus, the movie just flat out sucked.

Worst book ever finished: I read medical textbooks. Enough said.

Worst-looking celebrity: Fran Drescher- she’s like a siren (not all horrible to look at, but she opens her mouth and you turn to stone or disintegrate or something). I’d laugh all the way to the bank

Worst concert – It wasn’t strictly a concert, but through a bizarre series of events I once found myself at a Christian event featuring a number of Christian Rock “artists” including DC Talk, who, for those of you who don’t know, once threw away a promising and critically acclaimed career in hip hop when they discovered Jesus.
As terrible as the actual music was, it paled in comparison to the fans. Bible thumping assholes.

Worst movie – Van Helsing. Within five minutes the audience was swearing at the screen.

Worst DVD I own: I don’t buy many DVDs, so my “worst” isn’t too bad: The Patriot. My husband bought it not having seen it before. I’d seen it in the theater and thought it was really melodramatic and boring. I will never watch the DVD.

Worst Concert: I’ve been to very few concerts that weren’t classical music. Worst would have to be Guster at Notre Dame about 6 years ago. Guster was OK, for a one hit wonder, but their opening band sucked big time. They were called something like Joe’s Mock Brother and they played for half the evening. They were just lame, not even lame in a funny way.

Worst Restaurant: I was in Rome and a classmate of mine and I decided to get some lunch. We wandered around Trastevere, a very historic yet mostly untouristy neighborhood, and finally found what looked like the perfect little trattoria. We ordered lasagna. We were surprised when our waitress came back to our table within two minutes carrying two TV dinner lasagna meals. The lasagna was still frozen in the middle. Blech.

Worst Movie: Moulin Rouge. So pretentious and stupid! Really frenetic editing that gave me a headache. I would’ve left after the first 20 minutes but the pretentious art students who were my ride home just adored it.

Worst Book: “Surfacing” by Margaret Atwood, which was required reading for a class. Also a 500 page book that was a Catholic version of “Left Behind.” I don’t remember the title because it was just one of a large series of these books. It was given to me in the fall of 1999 by a girl who thought the world was going to end in 2000. How I managed to finish the book, I don’t know – I guess a combination of boredom and curiousity to see just how awful it really was.

I’d hit it celeb: Dick Cheney. He has a certain je ne sais quoi . . .

1. Worst movie in my collection….. Beautician and the Beast. Complimtns of my wife.

2. Embarassed to mention this one. Stryper. Was 14 at the time. Those guys threw bibles into the crowd.

3. Resturant. Had a waitress drop a cup of ranch dressing on the floor. The cup holding the ranch must have been made out of titanium because it didn’t break, it turned about 8 revolutions in a quarter of a second and I was splattered with with the dressing. She came back with another cup of dressing and the dumb bitch dropped that one, and covered me again. I told the broad the first one was okay, now she owed me a beer. Instead I got a free iced tea, and she didn’t get a tip. I would have tipped her good, but too bad for her.

4. Worst movie. Cable Guy. A crap fest of a movie. I actually had a girlfriend buy me the cable guy soundtrack for Christmas one year. The CD is really good. Has some guys I had never heard of, along with people like Jerry Cantrell (Alice in Chains) and Cypress Hill. I still listen to it.

5. Stephen Kings “It”. 1200 pages of a great story of captivating horror. Too bad the book was about 1250 pages and I think King got tired of writing towards the end and let his 6 year old kid finish the story.

6. Celeb sex. How about getting it on with Gretta Van Suteren (sp?). Put your pecker in that, and you my friend are a sick freak.

I’m still ashamed that I actually typed Stryper. I’m going to go OD on some painkillers.

1) What is the worst DVD/video you own?
   I take some pride in my DVD collection, so this hurts.
   - Auto Focus – for some reason, assumed that the “Defoe makes anything good” Theory would overcome the “Kinnear is the modern John Ritter” Law. Won’t make that mistake again.
   - Go – Actually a very entertaining, energetic movie. But just watched it this week for first time in years. The awfulness of Katie Holmes was like a revelation. She sucks life off the screen. Made me realize how perfect . worse than the hot chick in the first few episodes of Lost. Also, the guy who plays Simon, the brit, is also terrible. They nearly ruin an otherwise great movie.

2) What is the worst concert you’ve ever seen in person? When I covered minor league baseball, i would always put the National Anthem talent on the clock. 70 seconds was average. A girl in Norfolk – wanna-be Mary J Blige – put so many swoops and pauses and garbage in it, she almost broke 3 minutes ("and the hoooooommee, of the – (pause) B-R-A-V-E speeehlls – BR-AAAAAVEEEE!!!)

3) What is the worst experience you’ve ever had at a restaurant? First of all – come to Alaska: EVERY restraunt will rewrite your record book for bad service. it’s gotten to the point where I look forward to it. but I guess i’ll go with the night I went out with the big-spender crowd to the Double Musky in Girdwood, they went all in on drinks and apps, and when the bill came, took a VOTE and decided to split the check even. assholes.

4) WORST MOVIE/THEATRE? Can’t count Top Gun, cuz in jr. high when i saw it, the gay-orgy subtext was totally lost on me (which would have made it funnier). So besides ANY terrible chick-flick with Kate Hudson, I’m gonna have to extend this to a rental as a public service: Cabin Fever. For some reason, getting some buzz in some circles as ‘Cult Classic.’ No No No! Really – just dreadful, boring, student-film terrible.

5) WORST BOOK?
Absolutely anything with a picture of a bomber, helicopter or gas mask on the cover. Clancy and any and all of his imitators – i look back on my years of reading that genre (again missing the gay-orgy subtext all the while) with such a sense of despair.

6) “just to tell the story”?
Props to the Ann Coulter answer. Awesome pull.
Pat Summit circa 94?
I’ll take Kelly LeBrock, pre-Celebrity Fit Club.

“. . .and I think King got tired of writing towards the end and let his 6 year old kid finish the story.”

In my experience this describes all, but about 3 Stephen King novels. The ending to Needful Things made me throw the book across the room.

Ok, here goes nothing:

1) What is the worst DVD/video you own?
 Without a doubt, goddamned motherfucking Thomas and the Magic Railroad.

Question: How do you make an endearing, heartwarming movie about love and talking trains that will win the hearts of children the world over?

Answer: With dour, 10-minute long Peter Fonda monologues (from the inside of a cave, no less), silly! Also make sure that he doesn’t smile even once.

To make it really fun, go to great lengths not to explain large portions of the plot. Let the kids use their little imaginations to fill in the gaping plot holes! It’s fun to imagine!

2) What is the worst concert you’ve ever seen in person?

As much as it may break my heart to say this: The Smashing Pumpkins. It was a “perfect storm” of concert crappiness: bad seats, bad performance, and a drunk chick behind me who didn’t know that they were a metal band yelling “play Thirty-Threeeeeeeee” all night.

3) What is the worst experience you’ve ever had at a restaurant?

About a year ago I took the Wife N’ Kids to the local Chili’s. for starters, the service was slow (something like 45 minutes before our orders were taken), the waitress got the orders wrong and the table we were seated at was dirty.

Apparently unsatisfied with her performance to this, the waitress managed to pull off the Triple Lendy of food service; she brought out my three-year-old son’s chicken nugget plate on fucking fire! She didn’t even realize it until another waiter snatched it off her tray and threw it in the bar sink.

4) What is the worst movie you’ve ever seen in the theatre?

Getting Away With Murder. Never heard of it? There’s a reason. Dan Akroyd is an ethics professor who discovers that his kindly neighbor may or not be a Nazi war criminal. Oh, the hilarity! I cannot honestly tell you what happens the in the rest of the movie for it has been wiped clean from my mind.

I went with a group of my frends went to see this infected canker sore of a movie because:

a. Our friend worked at the AMC where it was playing.
b. The other movie we could see was A Thin Line Between Love And Hate (if you knew how much I hate Martin Lawrence’s continuing sodomy of Richard Pryor’s greatness, you’d know why we chose not to see this one)

5) What is the worst book you’ve actually finished?

Dale Brown’s Chains of Command. If a chimp took a shit on 400 pages of a blank manuscript…

The worst crime of the book was when the author had the brass balls to name-check himself in the book.

“But zippo,” you object, “surely some B-grade Tom Clancy wouldn’t be so narcissistic as to bukkake his own book with the musky spunk of a self-induced name drop. He has to know his place on the literary food chain (well below even Michael Crichton, but above Sean Hannity)” I would normally agree with you, but sure as shit, there it is.

Tucked away in some astoundingly stupid passage about a pilot feeling the thrill of aviation. He describes the pilot feeling like he was a character in a Dale Brown novel. So my guess is that the pilot felt like a flimsy stereotype surrounded by a bunch of aviation jargon and military acronyms. Poor, poor one-dimensional pilot.

6) Who is the worst looking or least appealing celebrity you would have intimate relations with “just to tell the story”?

Man, Ann Coulter is strong. Lemmee see… ooh! I’ve got it! A threesome with Rhea Perlman and Camryn Manhiem Steamroller! You can start any freaky sex story with “Well I had an orgy with a dugong in a business skirt and the garbage troll from Cheers.”

Yeah, that’s fucking nasty. I’d have post-traumatic stress disorder after that.

Worst show ever – Coolio, at a festival-style concert in Kansas City about 7 years ago. This was ‘99 and it had still been a while since his last hit song. Surreally awful. I was just about to say I wonder what he’s up to now and then I realized – if Coolio isn’t holed up in a Miami motel room at this very moment hitting the pipe with Scott Stapp, then I’m a monkey’s uncle.

DVD: I once bought a bunch of porn off a homeless guy in Philadelphia (long story). Included among a bunch of gay porn (hey, it was dark) was this terrible crap featuring “hermaphridites” that involved women with fake dicks banging women with fake tits.
Concert: Etta James as much as it pains me to say it. She was cold all night and I was in the VIP box with a bunch of yuppie scum who weren’t listening anyway. Luckily, the first time I saw her she blew up the spot.
Restaurant: I took my future wife to 7 Sauces, one of the better restaurants in Athens, Ohio. There was group of loud, obnoxious alumni having a party and there was a bug on my dessert plate.
Movie: “Lost in Space” My wife wanted to see this and I still give her shit about it 10 years later. If our daughter turns out to be retarded, this will be the reason why. That or “Bowfinger” Remember when Steve Martin and Eddie Murphy were funny?
Book: “Loser Goes First” by Dan Kennedy. Well-written, but pointless and dumb. Or “Marvel Zombies” #3 Even factoring the suspension of disbelief necessary to read comics this was stupid bullshit. The Hulk bites off the Silver Surfer’s head? Nay, I say. A thousand times, nay.
Celebrity: Phew, how do you top Ann Coulter? How about Grandma Bush. Maybe I’ll get a defense department contract out of it.

My brother once saw Jefferson Starship the Next Generation playing at a dog track. That’s got to win points just for the sheer patheticness.

“I once bought a bunch of porn off a homeless guy in Philadelphia (long story)”

Stories like that make me pity my own life.

1. Worst DVD I Own: Bitter Moon. Once upon a time I was trying to get in the pants of a hot Macedonian girl (trust me, it happens way more often than the phrase might suggest) and she told me it was the greatest movie ever and well, I was living in Macedonia and Amazon.com “1-click” is like computer crack. You don’t want to watch it so I’ll just tell you that the highlight of the whole film is the French chick peeing on a television.

2. Worst Concert: Standing for five or six hours to listen to five bands of which the headliner was Seven Mary Three. Pros: During a mid-90’s South By Southwest at the late, great Liberty Lunch in Austin and the Dirty Dozen Brass Band was okay. Cons: Standing for five hours just to find out that Seven Mary Three was the greatest name ever for a band with exactly one good song. Jesus.

3. Worst Restaurant Experience: Waiting an hour and a half for food at a campus area Taco Cabana on a Tuesday night (for non-Texans, it’s pseudo-fast food) and when we complained the explanation was that “the entire staff is epileptic”. Note: No strobe lights were present in the restaurant.

4. Worst Movie in theater: I’ve never walked out of a movie but friends had to restrain me 20 minutes into Batman & Robin. The only movie worse was The Avengers. I was too stunned by its horrendousness to even move. God will never forgive the sinners who made that film.

5. Worst Book: White Noise, Dom Delillo. This is what passed for “great literature” in the 80’s? I’d rather stick a fork in my eye than pick this book up again.

6. Celebrity: Anna Nicole Smith. At one point she may have been attractive, but now she’s a repulsive gargoyle who’s about to get her grubby mitts on a cubic ton of cash. Maybe I’d get a hefty tip for my services…

DVD-the Left Behind series movies (or something like that…they’re about the end of the world). My grandma bought them for me to get me to “straighten up” I use them only when I need a hard, stable surface to roll my ‘cigarettes’
Concert-New Kids on the Block. I was 11, it was STILL not fun.
Restaurant Experience-While waiting for a table at a restaurant, a 5 year old puked on me. Then I get to my table and it’s filthy dirty. My food was cold, my server was a bia, and I just couldn’t deal with it. I complained to the manager about the condition of the restaurant and she told me that if I didn’t like it, I shouldn’t eat there. So I haven’t since then…and I didn’t pay my bill.
Movie-The Santa Clause. Self explanatory
Book-Anna Karenina…stupid, stupid, stupid. And it’s a classic how? This is tied with the Lathe of Heaven.
Celeb-Nick Nolte. Don’t know why. First thing in my head

1) What is the worst DVD/video you own? – I rarely buy movies, and certainly not bad one. However, as anyone who has a kid can attest, I now own several “worst videos”. Out of these is/was clearly The Wiggles. Luckily my wife agrees with me and we no longer own any Wiggles DVDs. In case you don’t know, The Wiggles make anything by Sesame Street look great by comparison.

2) What is the worst concert you’ve ever seen in person? – Toots and the Maytals opening for The Who in Atlanta, 1979, the Omni. The crowd that gathered to see The Who in 1979 Atlanta wasn’t prepared for reggae, no matter how stoned they were. One problem was that the southern white kids didn’t care about reggae, if they even knew what it was. The second problem is that Toots couldn’t take a hint, and instead played an overly long opening set. At first, the crowd applauded politely after his songs, then they just ignored him. As he kept on playing, the crowd started to boo after each song. Finally, during his final song, when the music broke so he could implore the crowd to clap along, he was greeted by deafening boos. He slammed the mic down and walked off the stage. He remains the only professional act that I’ve ever seen actually booed off the stage. The Who was great, as usual, even though Keith Moon was gone by this time.

3) What is the worst experience you’ve ever had at a restaurant? – In Amsterdam, on my first time there, trying to actually sample the local food, I ordered something that looked like barbeque (the really nasty, puree’d stuff that comes in a can) on a bun. (Don’t ask me why – I’m sure I was drunk at the time.) Instead of anything close to bbq, it instead tasted like cold dog food on a bun. I threw up a little in my mouth and then went to KFC instead. I wasn’t really there to try the food, anyway.

4) What is the worst movie you’ve ever seen in the theatre? – Nothing but Trouble, with Chevy Chase, Demi Moore, and Dan Aykroyd. I’ve never left a theater early, but this one almost made me leave. (I’ll stay just to sit on my ass, drink a ginormous Coke, and eat popcorn with imitation butter-flavored spray dripping off of it.)

5) What is the worst book you’ve actually finished? – I have no problem ditching a book that sucks, so I haven’t actually finished a book I didn’t enjoy since college. As for college, I think I read Madame Bovary, but I’ve tried to block if from my brain.

6) Who is the worst looking or least appealing celebrity you would have intimate relations with “just to tell the story”? – I’d do Hillary, just so I could slam her in front of my friends whenever her whiny ass came on the news.

DVD: I own less than 10, no gifts, so nothing to report there.

Worst Concert: Ex-Police guitarist Andy Summers’ on-campus instrumental bore-fest narrowly edged by Public Enemy as presented by USC’s Black Student Union. Me and my Japanese-American buddy were displaced from our prime seats by a member of said Black Student Union, and an usher tried to get us out of the aisle by suggesting that we were at risk of triggering a race riot. The opening act was a jam by Fishbone with “surprise guests” the Red Hot Chili Peppers. This was before RHCP had replaced Hillel Slovak, and the total preparation for the jam — as far as I can tell — was to stop off at Homicide Liquor (somewhere between MLK and Vernon on South Figueroa, if memory serves) and buy a whole bunch of 40s… Anyway, they stumbled off and Public Enemy came on. They made it through a couple of songs before Professor Griff started in on his interesting theories of the origins of whites. The crowd — 95% African-American, mind you — started to boo. Griff then went on to suggest that the audience should take this opportunity to beat the shit out of mixed race couples. The crowd went mental at this point; the usher had never accounted for the prospect that Griff was the one who would find a way to start a race riot without actually having that many “othermen” around… anyway, PE abandoned the concert at this point, except for Flava Flav, who attempted to freestyle until he was carried off the stage by a bodyguard… I’ve never seen anything quite like it, including the time when a very dyke-y young lady beat the sh*t out of someone at a Dead Milkman concert while the rest of us watched, pointed, and laughed… including the band.

3) Worst restaurant experience… the Hungry Pig motorway cafe, somewhere in the south of England circa 1978. Abysmal food, no toilet seats, towels, or windows in the outhouse in early January.

4) Ummm… don’t go to many movies so I’ll have to pick Contact with Jodie Foster. When she lost her second parent (careless!) and tried to contact them with her ham radio, my eyeballs actually shot out of my head and hit the screen. And then she became a scientist! My head hurts just thinking about it.

5) I don’t finish crap books, so can’t help you there.

6) Anne Coulter’s getting a bit slippery at this point; I’d pick another right-wing harpy but someone GILF-er laid claim to Grandma Bush already, and I couldn’t switch to the other wind and take the performance metrics reviews from Hillary Clinton. Out of politics then, and into Li’l Kim. That’s letting your d*ck do the thinking when it’s got a death wish.

Worst owned DVD: Glengarry Glenross. Actually, it’s a great movie but so f&cking depressing … who’s up for a little handgun to the temple following the credits?

Worst concert experience: Van Halen, 1982. The World’s Fair was in my hometown of Knoxville, TN (headline: The Scruffy Little City Did It!) and I got to spend an evening watching poster-child-for-ritalin David Lee Roth doing his roundhouse kicks and generally making an ass out of himself. Isn’t he a paramedic or something these days?

Worst restaurant experience: it wasn’t a date, per se, but I was at the Houston’s near Perimeter Mall, Atlanta. It was one of those tip-your-waiter-for-free-meal so the staff can practice prior to opening. Well, my ‘date’ got her veggie burger, took one bite and freaked out. There was a live insect crawling around in there. The manager was very apologetic, gave us some coupons and tried to explain, “I assure you we have the freshest food available”. I’ll say!

Worst movie in theater: Easy. Transylvania 6500. If one more person says I look like Jeff Goldblum in that flick I will gouge out their eyeballs.

Work book I ever finished: Another easy one. The Firm. Makes me wish the entire city of Memphis would just cease to exist.

Worst looking celeb I’d &^%$#: Good question, mates. I don’t think anyone’s mentioned Greta Van Susteran, have they? Talk about an analytical experience. I’ve got dibs!

One billion comdey points to DHC for Greta Van Sustren.

Bagging her would be like doing a blow-up doll that sounded like Sloth from Goonies. I have always wondered what sort of bleat she makes when experiencing le petit morte.