Jon Stewart can take two routes with the oscars: he can go cuddly and Billy Crystal on everyone (”Oh my, Sara, what a benign, friendly Jew he is,” says an anonymous viewer,”) or he can squat firmly over the face of Hollywood and deliver a one-year-and-out Cleveland Steamer of a performance a la Chris Rock or David Letterman. We’re hoping Stewart opts for the second option, which will be judged by whether or not Sean Penn gets premenstrual over a Stewart quip. (And he will.)

Jon Stewart, seen here sporting quality Jew-fro, could Cleveland Steamer the Oscars with zeal this week.

We thought of a few Oscars of our own to hand out around here:

Best Foreign Film: Mathias Kiwanuka, Boston College. Plays wicked awesome defensive end. Has the presdential seal of Uganda tattooed on his back, which has to be a tattoing singularity since we can’t imagine Yoweri Museveni getting loaded on palm wine and getting tatted up in Kigali one crazy Thursday night. The grandson of an assassinated Ugandan PM comes to play football for the Jesuits while earning two degrees and making noises about entering politics after his NFL career. If this isn’t globalization at work, nothing is.

Kiwanuka, seen here imposing an embargo on completions on a player who he outscored on the Wonderlic by thirty points.

Best Screenplay, Nominees 2006 Since Texas won this last year, ruining fellow nominee and big studio fave “USC Best Evah 4 Real,” they’re out of the running this year. This won’t prevent ESPN, CNNSI, or the media as a whole from doing some ridiculously contrived story-arcing prior to the season. The nominated memes are:

1. “Urban Renewal.” Urban Meyer takes Florida to a national title with the Ladyback at qb, overcoming the obstacles of year one and affirming his status as the new pontiff of college fb.

2. “The Mighty Quinn.” Articles proclaiming the Irish’s inevitable march to title begin in 3…2…1…

3. “And a Hovercraft-lovin’, Sweatervest Clad Gangsta Shall Lead Them.” Late season surge, emerging offense, a solid, mobile qb, and the ever-bankable defense will have sportswriters flocking to the Buckeyes for early picks.

4. “Sooner, Rather Than Later.” Predicted Oklahoma resurgence will gain traction with a healthy Adrian Peterson and a Rhett Bomar who knows what the hell he’s doing now.

Remember him? Sportswriters will.

Best Acheivement in Costume Design The nominees will be anyone turning down any one of Nike’s one-armed Power Ranger outfits they’ll no doubt test out on squirming, helpless marquee programs locked into unbreakable, sealed with unspeakable curses Faustian contracts with Phil Knight. Oregon stands zero chance of enduring a new low in a long series of uniform indignities, but Florida and Virginia Tech should know better. (BTW, the one-armed Gator undershirts? Marked down to 22 bucks at Dick’s Sporting Goods the last time we checked. And we still pulled it off the racks with a pair of chicken tongs and refused to buy it.)

The interesting counterpoint to Nike’s avant-garde futzing with unis is Adidas, who’s partnered with UCLA, Notre Dame, and Tennessee, among others. Adidas–with the exception of the new Nebraska unis–rides the “classic” look ’till it breaks, which can actually seem more daring in the face of endless revampings and overhauls than any of the Cirque de Soleil/Freddie Mercury duds Nike makes their athletes ball around in on Saturdays.

As if Leak didn’t go through enough this year.