FULMER CUP UPDATE: MARSHALL

by Orson on Feb 24, 2006 11:44 AM EST

Marshall, always a strong contender in the race for the Fulmer Cup, scores some spectacular points with the arrest of signee Karon "Kirby" Watson for possession of both marijuana and crack cocaine this past Tuesday night. (Why's the "Kirby" in quotes? Is that the alias he uses when getting a herpes test? Is he pink, spherical, and capable of swallowing objects equal to or larger than himself in single swallows? Can he fly for short distances? We have questions.)

Before we dole out base points and spicy modifiers, this choice quote:

When removed from the vehicle, Watson had a strong, pungent odor of cannabis on and about his person, police said.

Several small pieces of suspected crack cocaine and cannabis were found in Watsons seat and on the floorboard beneath his seat.

I smell 'dro all on you, homes.

We'll use this opportunity to show how we'd give it a base score and then add modifiers. The base score doesn't wiggle, thus eliminating a totally capricious system based on "whatever the hell we want." We've got two charges: possession of pot and crack. Under the current system, we charge for both:

Crack: 3 points (the Biggums rule.)

Pot: 2 points

So you have a total of five points right there--but do they count with a recruit? Marshall as a school will exit this case with at least a point of association by guilt, the "taint rule," since they recruited this kid in the first place and had to know he was an amateur biochemist or a fan thereof. The points would be awarded in full if Marshall plows ahead and takes the guy anyway, a rule known hereafter as the "Willie Williams Rule" for rowdy recruits who display atrocious behavior and get scholarship offers anyway. (HT: Devil Grad)

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5’6" and 197lbs?! That dude is a load. How did Coker and Bowden let this pipe hitting thug get away?

by bitterhorn on Feb 24, 2006 11:57 AM EST reply actions

Maybe he does look like Kirby, after all.

by Orson Swindle on Feb 24, 2006 11:58 AM EST reply actions

Whys the Kirby in quotes?

Maybe he’s a pudgy guy that always has one eye (but only one) on the ladies.

by chg on Feb 24, 2006 12:09 PM EST reply actions

If the same perpetrating player (or recruit, in this case) gets hit with 2 offenses at the same time, should the school really get credit for both? I submit that they should get the higher-scoring crime, but not both. Sure, this kid had weed, but it’s trumped by the crack. Now, if a different player had crack, or if this guy got picked up for weed this week, and crack the next, then it’d be two events—and a full 5 points.

I guess I could see giving him the points for a different category crime—for instance, if he got caught raping a goat while wearing a clown mask (3 pts?) AND got nabbed for acid, it makes sense to award full credit for each offense. But 2 drug possessions in the same instance, does that really deserve both scores? After crack, the weed’s an afterthought.

by Nate on Feb 24, 2006 12:50 PM EST reply actions

Watson had a strong, pungent odor of cannabis on and about his person,

I am not trying to attract legal attention to this blog, but I find the adjective ‘pungent’ odd in this case.

by tzubear on Feb 24, 2006 12:54 PM EST reply actions

Sadly, there isn’t a shot of Kirby hitting the Glass Dick to be found. Anyone care to ’shop one up?

by bitterhorn on Feb 24, 2006 1:40 PM EST reply actions

What are the current Fulmer Cup standings?

by Peter Moulder on Feb 24, 2006 3:54 PM EST reply actions

There should be some sort of scaling factor… a 2 and a 3 at the same time is a bit more than a 3, but not quite a 4.

Think of the points for offenses of single recruits as logarithm points… ln(e^3 + e^2) = 3.3. That seems fair; it’s not a five-point offense in and of itself. Then add up the team’s per-recruit tallies normally.

by Chris Lawrence on Feb 24, 2006 6:06 PM EST reply actions

Whatever you propose, I recommend bonus points for this: The local paper reports, “After he was arrested and handcuffed, the police report said, Watson told officers who were searching the car, ‘You aren’t going to find any weed in there. I smoked it all.’”

Brilliant!

by DevilGrad on Feb 24, 2006 6:09 PM EST reply actions

When it comes to assigning point values, do you differentiate between wrongdoing by players and wrongdoing by coaches?

The Oregeron would be proud.

by T. Kyle King on Feb 24, 2006 11:06 PM EST reply actions

ALSO, Vandy entered the fulmer cup race. why hasn’t it gotten a post?

by THC on Feb 25, 2006 5:48 PM EST reply actions

Kirby apparently does fly high.

by THC on Feb 25, 2006 5:51 PM EST reply actions

After the recent comment wars, anytime Bama or Auburn fans hijack an EDSBS post to run smack at each other, at least two Fulmer Cup points should be given to both schools. For that reason, I will now only talk about how Krispy Kreme’s in a bidding war with other doughnut firms for the UT vendor contract. There’s big bucks in that, you know.

by Newspaper Hack on Feb 26, 2006 6:43 PM EST reply actions