Florida WR Kenneth Tookes won’t be charged in the accidental discharge of an AR-15 at Dee Webb’s Gainesville apartment, and neither will anyone else, evidently. GPD has dropped the case citing insufficient evidence of intentional wrongdoing. If we were total homers here, we’d be dancing on the ceiling in our Lionel Richie sweaters, but it’s hard to get too excited about someone on your football team NOT being charged with something for messing around with an AR-15.

(We just had a thought, though: most accusations of accidental discharge in Gainesville do happen in apartments, though most don’t result in a hole in the wall, unless you’ve got some serious prostate problems we’d like you to see a physician about immediately. In this instance Tooke’s accidental discharge of Webb’s toy scared three women simultaneously. Innuendo just scuttled this paragraph completely, so we’ll move on…)

The other burning–and they’re always burning–question in this case is Meyer’s handling of it. The incident doesn’t merit a complete removal from the team, but a lack of action undermines UM’s mad bastard stance on discipline. What he does sets tone on a team not too far removed from Zookdom and rampant FnDC. Meyer needs to come down in dramatic fashion here, or risk a slip in players’ fear of his wrath.

Navy makes a potentially nasty plunge into the Fulmer Cup races with the arrest of their star qb Lamar Owens for allegedly raping a female cadet at Annapolis last month. Rape is a notoriously difficult charge to prove, but with things taking as long as they did to surface from the closed ranks of the military academy, the case has to have something resembling substance. Things look even worse for Owens given that his trial will not be a civilian trial, but rather a military court; if our multiple viewings of subpar military thrillers hold up, the burden of proof is on the defense in those cases.

The lesser question of where this lands in the Fulmer Cup standings remains: how bad, quantitatively, is rape on a scale of 1-10 in terms of program offenses? Murder–the Loren Wade, walk-right-up-and-shoot-someone-in-the-face-variety–is a straight ten, though manslaughter could earn a 9. Rape’s got to be at least an eight, which would bolt Navy right to the lead for the Fulmer Cup, especially if “star player commits felony” points apply (which they definitely do here.)

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN…the final match on the card for THE BURGER KING MEATNORMOUS™ HEAVYWEIGHT DIVISION (sponsored in part by Huss Kies Personal Grooming Products:”Because You Want to Wash Your Ass With A Stick, Not ‘Cause You Have To!”™)…we request your full attention be drawn to the center of the blood and mayonnaise-spattered ring for our next two opponents, two tubby titans of the gridiron bent on paying the other’s exit fees from this mortal coil, one fresh out of a brief retirement, the other a desperate man holding on to his job and therefore not to be trifled with!

Barry Alvarez

Somewhere between Colonel Kurtz and George “The Animal” Steele…

Height: 6?3?

Weight: 260, but cush new job as AD could see new heights on a steady diet of chicken dinners and barbeque socials with boosters. Plus: lives in Wisconsin, where cheese comes on your ice cream.

Hometown: Burgertown, PA. (His girth was destiny.)

Fighting style: Submission fighter with vicious overhands and a wrestler’s flair. Known to come off the toprope and immediately place a stunned opponent in armbar. Prone to eating turnbuckles like his mentor, George “The Animal” Steele. Reminiscent of Tank Abbott with less cardiovascualr capacity.

Strengths: Vicious, quick, and unafraid to terrify his opponent with screams, pre-fight intimidation, and theatrical finishing moves once the match is no longer in question. Deadly off the ropes, and skilled at joint locks. Gets crowds on his side by slapping his own face, eating the aforementioned turnbuckles, and grabbing his own hand as if it were possessed before employing choke holds on helpless opponents. Capable of being seconds from defeat and still inexplicably rallying, especially with a cheering crowd behind him.

Weaknesses: Besides limited endurance, Alvarez suffers from his mentor’s weaknesses: a penchant for showboating that often lands him in trouble, usually involving a metal chair or a third party entering the ring behind his back. Distracted by the crowd’s adulation, Alvarez showboated for a full three minutes once before Randy Walker brained him with a table pulled from ringside, turning what had been a dominating performance into defeat.

In-ring oufit: Black wrestling bikini.

John Bunting

Hacksaw Jim would be proud.

Height: 6′3″

Weight: 83 Carolina Rib plates

Hometown: Portland, Maine

Fighting style: Whuppin’ and a-hollerin’.

Strengths: Trained in bar-brawling and redneck shooto technique, Bunting belongs squarely to the Road House school of fighting, excepting the school’s tendency toward feathered hairstyles and kung-fu silliness. He bites, kicks, and plain bludgeons his opponents into unconsciousness with a cold, mean ferocity fight experts describe as “hard to watch,” “illegal in forty countries,” and “banned under the Geneva convention.” Fond of fast attacks to the testicles and eyes.

Weaknesses: As with all “Road House” stylists, cannot handle a match longer than thirty seconds, after which he tires and holds hands out to be cuffed helplessly.

In-ring outfit: One-strapped overalls with two-by-four and broken bottle.

Leave your votes and comments below.

The Kyrgyzstan of college football just got a little warmer: Georgia Tech avoids the knee-jerk choice and hires a qualified AD to clean up the mess left behind by Dave Braine. Chan Gailey needs to hire a realtor now. Nathan’s got the summary here.

They came up around the same time, short, gravelly-voiced men whose derivative music and wholehearted embrace of even the most hidebound cliches of their “art” forms made them ideal fodder for the low standards crowd. While Stranko may be obsessed with the vanilla version, we’re intrigued by the chocolate power midget rap variation of power rock Jesus: Ja Rule. (We’d use hip-hop here, but doesn’t Ja Rule fit more with “rappers” like Skee-lo, Kool Moe Dee, and Chubb Rock, and less with hip-hoppers like Nas and Jay-Z? That’s what we thought.)

We swear there’s a connection between the normal focus of this blog and Ja Rule…and here it is. Ja Rule is currently crawling in the steam pipes beneath Vanderbilt filming a horror movie, “Furnace.” As if this weren’t funny enough, Danny Trejo, the pockmarked badass from ConAir and umm…Spy Kids is in it, as well, making it all work for on a $1 million dollar budget and some generous cooperation from the Vandy administration. Just now, some unfortunate Vandy student just leapt from a toilet, paralyzed by the horror of hearing Ja Rule’s voice bubbling up from the innards of the pipeworks. It’s murdahhhh…

What’s my motherfuckin’ name? (D-O-N-E…)