KENNETH TOOKES ADMITS TO FIRING GUN

by Orson on Feb 16, 2006 12:52 PM EST

Courtesy of WATB: it was Kenneth Tookes who inadvertently discharged an AR-15 into an apartment in Gainesville over the weekend, not Dee Webb, the owner of the gun. Tookes, most famous among Gator fans for his ability to make yellow cloth fly from the pockets of officials on holding calls, admitted firing the weapon after a lengthy interrogation at an undisclosed location that included waterboarding, beating with rubber hoses, and extended pointing at from Meyer.

"The waterboarding was bad, man, but the pointing will get you. It's like you can feel it burning into your forehead when he does it," says WR Andre "Bubba" Caldwell, who endured a long stay in a jail he believed to be in Turkey. "He pointed at me for threee days until he was satisfied that I had nothing to do with it, then made me go throw boulders around for a few hours. Then a tranq dart hit me in the neck, and I woke up two days later in a parking lot in Newberry with ten dollars in my pocket and a Gator brand on my arm."

Cornerback Reggie Lewis seconded Caldwell's stories of waterboarding and pointing.

"Yeah, that point...it'll get ya..." Lewis said with a far-off, glassy look in his eye. "By the time it was done I was begging for them to pull my fingernails out. I haven't thought right since..." Lewis said, collapsing into a ball on his couch drooling uncontrollably on the cushions.

Chi-chi, or pointing? We'll take chi-chi, thank you very much.

Tookes, who had no comment on the case, will be vaporized humanely at the University of Florida's new Photon Weaponry lab. Physics professor Henri Van Rinsvelt expressed excitement at the opportunity to utilize new technologies on young, doomed flesh.

"It's a shame he had to do something so stupid and trifle with...him," said Van Rinsvelt in a hushed whisper in his office. "But there's nothing to be done now but look at the positives. We can test new, painless weaponry on a human, an intriguing alternative to us since we're bored to death with disintegrating livestock. Really, you see one goat vanish into a pile of ashes, you've seen them all. But the chance to instill discipline on our football team and test potentially lucrative weaponry on a live human who's forfeited his right to live in the eyes of his master? That's what scientists live for."

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“Tookes, who had no comment on the case…”

~~smith~~ meyer, eerily calm, sitting across the table with ray-bans and a wire in his ear: “what good is a phone call, mr. tookes, if you are unable…to speak?”

by ESMjr. on Feb 16, 2006 1:30 PM EST reply actions

Tsk…Tsk…Mr. Van-Rins-velt it is indeed UNFORTUNATE you felt compelled to discuss sensitive information about our newest weapons program…sooooo, how you say…openly?…we will be contacting you soon!

by Alagator on Feb 16, 2006 1:30 PM EST reply actions

So that would make Tookes the Minister of Offense in Dee-Webbistan?

by bitterhorn on Feb 16, 2006 1:32 PM EST reply actions

OT: I subscribe to your comments feed. Every day someone posts something on the 52 Reasons ESPN Sucks thread. There are now 755 comments in it. Jesus.

by Brian @ mgoblog on Feb 16, 2006 1:33 PM EST reply actions

If Meyer is a Bond villain and The Orgeron is a mythological beast, then what’s going to happen when the two of them meet on the field?

by Michael on Feb 16, 2006 1:36 PM EST reply actions

Also OT: what ever happened to the Death Matches? Last I saw there was no final word on Weis vs. Carr.

by Geaux Irish on Feb 16, 2006 2:00 PM EST reply actions

Is Dee-Webbistan, DeeWaq, Republic of Dee, etc., located anywhere near Bosnia? If so, I feel a nasty border war coming on, between Dee and Hank.

by Philly Gator on Feb 16, 2006 2:34 PM EST reply actions

I smell a patsy.

by Gatorwalsh on Feb 16, 2006 4:12 PM EST reply actions

WATB = We Are The Boys, right? On several highly-trafficked political blogs, that acronym means “Whiny Ass Titty Baby”. Were I a jerkoff Dawg fan, I’d make a joke here (whereas I am merely a dickhead dawg fan leaving you to draw the connection).

by LD on Feb 16, 2006 5:26 PM EST reply actions

Or, “We’re Always Trouncing Bulldogs.” In this case, though,“Wild Athletes Trail o’Bullets” might be more fitting.

by Orson Swindle on Feb 16, 2006 5:28 PM EST reply actions

Of course “Wielding AR-15s Through Butler” Plaza has a nice ring to it as well.

by Philly Gator on Feb 16, 2006 5:50 PM EST reply actions

How about this little gem reported on Fox 6 News-Birmingham, Alabama(2-16-06@6:00 P.M.). Does it qualify for “The Cup”? Seems an ex-Bama player, Terrance Braxton-class of 2000, was charged/arrested for allowing his students to skip his PE class he teaches in Escambia County, Florida by paying him 1.00$ per day to do so. It was reported that he was clearing about 100.00$ per day doing this. Wonder where he learned this?

by dragonash on Feb 16, 2006 8:31 PM EST reply actions

ohh, jesus christ.

by bonghit gator on Feb 16, 2006 11:05 PM EST reply actions

this is pretty sweet

by THC on Feb 16, 2006 11:46 PM EST reply actions

At least now there is a good explanation for Baron Von Meyer’s great recruiting fortunes.
He’s pointing and now we all know it.

Also, if we are going to drag ex players into this it could get real ugly. There seems to be a direct connection between the sexual predator list an ex UT players.
Or check the last issue of ESPN the Magazine for ex LSU running back in prison.

But we are not going to do that.
I don’t have that kind of time on my hands.(no pun intended)

by Charlie Murphy on Feb 17, 2006 7:24 AM EST reply actions

The People’s Democratic Republic of Dee Webb is enriching uranium in his kitchen strictly for medical research purposes.

by bitterhorn on Feb 17, 2006 9:28 AM EST reply actions

I do’nt even know what the Fulmer Cup is, but this has to vault you guys into the top 5. Along with the Rey Malagua thing, Marcus Mexico, and Mo’ reese Clarett. You’d think that kids who get a free education would be a little grateful and humble.

Also, does your boy have Dick Cheney on Speed dial?

by Wooderson on Feb 17, 2006 9:47 AM EST reply actions