Courtesy of WATB: it was Kenneth Tookes who inadvertently discharged an AR-15 into an apartment in Gainesville over the weekend, not Dee Webb, the owner of the gun. Tookes, most famous among Gator fans for his ability to make yellow cloth fly from the pockets of officials on holding calls, admitted firing the weapon after a lengthy interrogation at an undisclosed location that included waterboarding, beating with rubber hoses, and extended pointing at from Meyer.

“The waterboarding was bad, man, but the pointing will get you. It’s like you can feel it burning into your forehead when he does it,” says WR Andre “Bubba” Caldwell, who endured a long stay in a jail he believed to be in Turkey. “He pointed at me for threee days until he was satisfied that I had nothing to do with it, then made me go throw boulders around for a few hours. Then a tranq dart hit me in the neck, and I woke up two days later in a parking lot in Newberry with ten dollars in my pocket and a Gator brand on my arm.”

Cornerback Reggie Lewis seconded Caldwell’s stories of waterboarding and pointing.

“Yeah, that point…it’ll get ya…” Lewis said with a far-off, glassy look in his eye. “By the time it was done I was begging for them to pull my fingernails out. I haven’t thought right since…” Lewis said, collapsing into a ball on his couch drooling uncontrollably on the cushions.

Chi-chi, or pointing? We’ll take chi-chi, thank you very much.

Tookes, who had no comment on the case, will be vaporized humanely at the University of Florida’s new Photon Weaponry lab. Physics professor Henri Van Rinsvelt expressed excitement at the opportunity to utilize new technologies on young, doomed flesh.

“It’s a shame he had to do something so stupid and trifle with…him,” said Van Rinsvelt in a hushed whisper in his office. “But there’s nothing to be done now but look at the positives. We can test new, painless weaponry on a human, an intriguing alternative to us since we’re bored to death with disintegrating livestock. Really, you see one goat vanish into a pile of ashes, you’ve seen them all. But the chance to instill discipline on our football team and test potentially lucrative weaponry on a live human who’s forfeited his right to live in the eyes of his master? That’s what scientists live for.”