Brian’s been doing some illuminating stat work over at MGoBlog, and today caps his acheivements by scientifically proving that Jeff Bowden sucks. (Not that we waited for evidence before deciding that, but nice to have it in pocket.)
We’re going to be awash in Euro-crap by the end of the football offseason. First we watched as Italy let Club Vandersexxx put on the opening ceremonies, which were only redeemed by the drilling whine of an F1 Ferrari doing donuts in the middle of the festivities. (Atlanta: now joined in redneckdom by Torino. Thanks for bailing us out, amici!) The ceremonies looked like a phantasm taken straight from our most feverish Nyquil-addled dreams, especially when the men in red body suits began to rollerblade around the stadium with flame shooting from their helmets.
Offseason nightmares: a cascade of Euro-crap.
The most reprehensible facet of the ceremonies dribbled from stadium speakers like watery shit from a goat’s ass: the intolerable Euro-circus techno music accompanying every flourish of the show. Vangelis worked in ‘81; now it’s a plague on the ears that rages through Europe and stages its most virulent forms at prominent sporting events.
Nowhere will the be more apparent than at the upcoming World Cup. (We swear there’s a college football connection…keep going!) (more…)
The Wizard of Odds consistently unearths the oddball story, which may be nice during the hectic season but becomes positively vital in the doldrums of the offseason. He comes through again with the story of Keith Carter, former Florida State linebacker-turned-dog show magnate, whose prize Rottweiler Shaka Zulu performed well at the Westminster Dog Show in New York this week.
Carter gets points for making it to the big show, but lands squarely in the rubric of race/dog matchups by breeding Rottweilers, which big black guys seem to like because they’re also big and black. (We’re guessing they overlook the endemic hip dysplasia and heart problems in the simile there, just as we’ll overlook the racial/canine parallels between Irish Wolfhounds and average, Mick-looking types such as ourselves; namely, that they amble around pleasantly for a few short years ’till their hearts explode one day. No, no parallels there…)
This all reminds us to be courteous and keep our choices in dog breeding and choice racially predictable.
Single white guy, straight: something smelly, lazy, gluttonous, cantankerous, boisterous, and potentially unmanageable. Ugly helps, as does possession of powerful glands and marking behaviors. Breed: Boxer, Bulldog, Basset Hound, Bloodhound, or any other breed with custom disfigurement and tendency towards eye-watering flatulence. Do NOT neuter, as this will inhibit their tendency to piss on things.
Flatulent. Amiable. Prone to weight gain and long losing streaks to Florida.
Single white guy, gay: Really the same as single white guy, just well-groomed, well-managed, and NOT fed Ol’ Roy dog food straight from the local Wal-Mart. (more…)
Soaking in the spoils of victory, the Texas Longhorns made a journey to the White House to be congratulated on their undisputed mythical national championship. The best news for Longhorn fans is that the entire team managed to avoid Cheney and his 28 gauge.
Although Cheney was packing heat as always, the Longhorns got out of DC unscathed.
How bad of a situation do you have to be in offensively to look to Ryan Leaf as a viable option to help things out? You’ll have to ask Don Carthel, head coach of West Texas A&M (did you know they had a football team?). The epitome of a quarterback bust, Mr. Ryan Leaf himself, will be joining the staff as the quarterbacks coach.
Bringing some of that Ryan Leaf magic to Texas.
Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
Comments? Questions? Long strings of profanities directed at something we said? Please send your comments to harumphharumph -a- yahoo -dot- com. Please direct all tailgating photos and stories to edsbsfans -a- gmail -dot- com.
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