YOUR SCHOOL'S PROMOTIONAL AD IS TEH SUX0RZ! UCONN RENTS THE KINDA LONG HAIRED GUY TO PITCH THE U.
by Orson on Feb 9, 2006 3:59 PM EST
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PrintWe don't even know this guy and we hate him. Today we eviscerate UConn's horrid promo, brought to us by the discerning eye of reader Kevin from New Brunswick. Warning: this note contains language.
School: University of Connecticut
Ad title: Great Pick"
EDSBS title: Your asshole dormmate with the guitar pitches a university.
Setup: A guy sits on a stool and picks out a Dave Johnson Mayer-ey white blues tune. As he plays, factoids about UConn flash beneath it, like "Number One Public University in New England," and "Record high applications." As each one flashes into the screen, the guitar guy looks suitably impressed, wrinkling his eyebrows and flashing his obviously whitened teeth with approval accordingly. Immediately prior to the end of the commercial a flash of images rushes at the viewer, and as the guitarist finishes up with a flourish he announces "UConn...(blows on pick)...great pick."
Subtext: We're UConn, and golly, we're improving. We're also making you listen to this shitbag pound out John Mayer/Matchbox 20/other music of diarrheal blandness in his endless quest for pussy while you hurl up Jagermeister in the bushes. Oh, and you can go to school, too.
Wanna hear me play guitar mmphhh AAAGGGH...(sounds of unimaginable violence follow...)
Production values:
Low. A/V club low. The nicest thing we can say is that the lighting and cake makeup makes Guitar Gabe and his wondrous flannel shirt look slightly better than Betamax. The graphics and Ludovico treatment-fast montage of images at the end of the ad, though, are reprehensible work.
Hits: Informed us that UConn has "RECORD--HIGH VALEDICTORIANS." This may be UConn's way of cornering the market in drug-abusing overachievers; if so, we're definitely making a campus visit.
Misses: Everything. Everything, Everything, Everything. Everything. It's hard to overstate how much we hated this ad.
We hate it like anthrax. We hate it like we hate injustice. We hate it like we hate the noise of someone slurping their food. We hate it like we hate hate...and we're feeling a lot of that at the moment, so we know exactly what we're talking about.
UConn found the Kinda Long Haired guy to do their ad--the execrable frat house soundtrack fuckwit who, in the sixties, would have been the guy whose guitar was reduced to shards and strings by Bluto Blutowski in Animal House. (Really, watch the Homestar link. It nails this better than anything you'll see here.) His strategy is simple: lacking brains, or obvious alpha-male appearance, or ability to earn peer esteem through heroic, Russian novel-style superdrinking, or even the entry-level vocal misogyny that would qualify him as beta male in the frat system, he goes "artsy" with it and learns to play guitar.
The ad shows you just how shitty this approach is for the listener/university habitue. First, he plays an acoustic guitar on a stool. Guitar players, as a rule, should never sit, unless they're preparing to sing a song about one of the following:
1. Coal miners
2. Death row inmates
3. Death row inmates in a coal mine
4. Killing someone just to watch them die.
The schmuck commits additional fouls by launching directly into a noodling, faux-bluesy "white blues" straight from the milquetoasty pages of the Dave Matthews/Jack Johnson/John Mayer/Sister Hazel songbook for Pussies looking For Pussy. An affinity for this kind of music is to women what a broken leg and loud whimpering is to an antelope on the open Serengeti: a sign of galling distress sure to be exploited by even the weakest of predators. It's a means to an end, and an annoying one at that, especially when all you really want to do is have a little peace and quiet to drink and throw death-defying post patterns against a cover 2 D in Madden.
Looking for prey? Buy a guitar and become the hyena of the party.
(The other option is actually liking this form of music, which indicates a.) a complete lack of the gland excreting good taste, or b.) an intro-level marijuana smoker who hasn't got enough THC in his system to graft the Widespread Panic/Blues Traveler/Grateful Dead complex onto his identity--yet. This would also be evident in the not-yet-abominable hygiene of said person.)
The faults continue with the shirt: flannel, like he just waltzed out of an episode of "My So Called Life," proving that the good marketeers at UConn have all of the qualifications to work in the casting department at the Trinity Broadcasting Network's Youth Division. His teeth have obviously had some hardcore whitening, and overall he looks like the kind of disposable person designed for the sole person of appearing in pictures you will view years later while your wife says: "Who is that?"
All of this made us practically Orgeronnically mad, but then came...the expressions. The mugging, smug, self-satisified array of looks Six-Stringy Fucktardo gives the camera is enough to make us want to drive to UConn and beat anyone bearing the slightest resemblance to a quivering, blood-sopped pile of mush and flannel. He flashes them with the shoddy confidence of a man whose equation for every evening went something like this:
("Hey") + ("That's so deep") - (wingwoman)/ (patented smile) X (laugh) + (one rendition of "Your Body is a Wonderland")+ (four beers) = skinny sub-smart blond education major down for the night.
We hate this guy, we hate him, we don't even know him and we hate him. We hope all the bad things in life happen to him and only him. And associatively, we hate UConn and all its flannelly, shitty acoustic guitar playing kinda long haired self stands for.
The commercial ends with a spew of quick cut shots of something resembling a university campus and the Choadster making a putrescent pun. A Kodiak bear's paw then swats him to the ground and begins to pull his skin off on camera; horrific shrieks and the sound of a guitar flailing on the ground repeatedly follow. That doesn't actually happen, but what is a man without dreams?
Summary grade: F. F. F. The worst ad we've seen. An abomination of craptitude. Shit, on tape.
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Here is a link to a seminar assignment at UCONN about the ad. Man, that ad is awful
by Evan on Feb 9, 2006 4:10 PM EST reply actions
“Orgeronically” mad? Call Webster. I think we’ve just stumbled upon a new word. Very descriptive I might add. You can really get the picture of exactly how mad this is.
by rebel84 on Feb 9, 2006 4:14 PM EST reply actions
Is this add meant to do anything other than piss people off? I went to high school in Connecticut, so I’ve always had a soft spot for UConn, but this promo makes me hate them. Anger and rage seem to be the only rational response to this stimulus. Storrs must be incredibly laid back to not erupt in violence whenever this spot gets played.
by Scott on Feb 9, 2006 4:35 PM EST reply actions
I watched the ad for as long as I could, but was literally physically unable to hang around for the “great pick” ending for fear that I would leap out of my desk chair and shriek “OK, NOW I’M EMBARRASSED FOR YOU” at the top of my lungs, in the middle of my office.
Mr. Soulful’s mugging at the UConn statistics gave me a strong whiff of Brendan Fraser in “Blast from the Past,” except Fraser was supposed to play a guy who had been locked in a fallout shelter since the mid-‘50s and was supposed to convey a wide-eyed sense of wonder at mid-’90s Los Angeles — it was a caricatured role on purpose. I have no idea what this guy’s excuse is.
by Doug on Feb 9, 2006 4:39 PM EST reply actions
There is no excuse. He needs Marco to give him a little revolution, that’s all. And by revolution, we mean an ass-beating.
by Orson Swindle on Feb 9, 2006 4:40 PM EST reply actions
No offense about the other great content on EDSBS, but I think the promo ad bashing may be my favorite regular feature.
I think the tagline for the ad should be:
UConn, 81% white…and it shows!
by Nico on Feb 9, 2006 4:49 PM EST reply actions
Yikes! That was terrifyingly bad. Love the fact that a full ride to UConn is called a Nutmeg scholarship. I wonder if this guy is there on the Nutless Scholarship. The fact: “UConn has more Eunuchs than the Ming Dynasty!!” flashes across the screen. UConn, No Dicks!
PS. His mugging reminds me of David St. Hubbins…though 1/10000th as self aware.
by RowdyRoddyPiper on Feb 9, 2006 4:50 PM EST reply actions
Whoever directed this lame-O video was definitely at a “record high”. Love the Playa Haters Ball reference!
by PSUrob on Feb 9, 2006 4:50 PM EST reply actions
I gave my love a cherry
That had no stone
I gave my love a chicken
That had no bones
I gave my love a story
That had no end
by bitterhorn on Feb 9, 2006 4:51 PM EST reply actions
Always up for a Ming Dynasty reference, RRP.
by Orson Swindle on Feb 9, 2006 4:52 PM EST reply actions
Wait, I missed it. I clicked play and it went to some old “Blossom” rerun.
by LSUFan on Feb 9, 2006 5:05 PM EST reply actions
Number One Public University in New England,
“Tallest midget at the circus.”
Besides, I thought UVM (hockey hazing aside, or, on second thought, perhaps because of the hockey hazing) was the best public university up there in private-school land.
by DevilGrad on Feb 9, 2006 5:12 PM EST reply actions
After watching that I have an inexplicable urge to hang out at Boi From Troy more.
by JacketDan on Feb 9, 2006 5:21 PM EST reply actions
That ad makes me want to go to Appalachian State.
by socalirish on Feb 9, 2006 5:43 PM EST reply actions
Wow. I hate UCONN – but even I feel sorry for them for that. Can you imagine being an alumn and having to watch that every basketball game at halftime – and then having everyone else in the bar laugh at you for actually having gone to that school?
by Nathan on Feb 9, 2006 5:53 PM EST reply actions
Wait, I missed it. I clicked play and it went to some old Blossom rerun.
I think LSUFan just won this thread.
by Brian @ mgoblog on Feb 9, 2006 6:07 PM EST reply actions
“Remember that time I killed a drifter to get an erection? Paul, you were there.”
“Leave me out of this.”
“I will leave you IN!”
by UM Dave on Feb 9, 2006 6:20 PM EST reply actions
I watched the ending montage three times in an attempt to find a minority female looking into a microscope. So where is she? If you look closely, you’ll see buildings, classrooms, athletics, and some kind of wall-climbing activity, but no minority female looking into a microscope. UConn is a “great pick” for douchebag white boys with guitars, but not for historically underrepresented microscope afficionadoes. For shame.
by CrimeNotes on Feb 9, 2006 6:46 PM EST reply actions
Instead of UConn, great pick they could have hit the same soundtrack timing with, wow, I’m a dick.
by Rick on Feb 9, 2006 7:28 PM EST reply actions
I’d say it made me want to kill the guy just to watch him die, but I think his death would serve a larger purpose, besides my own blissful happiness at having done my part that day to make the world a better place. If you make a university ad, screen it, and then ask the audience to give you a one word reaction, with the answer being a unanimous “Homicide,” that’s the first sign that you need to hit the ol’ drawing board again.
by italiangator on Feb 9, 2006 9:41 PM EST reply actions
In the immortal writing of Brian Griffin:
“That’s enough John Mayer.”
by ForTheGlory on Feb 9, 2006 11:10 PM EST reply actions
I could only be reminded of that Old Dana Carvey stand up routine they ran on Comedy central every day about 5 years ago. He’d grab a guitar and talk about how guitar players look suprised and impressed with themselves every time they change a chord. Oh, Uconn. GO RU!
by KevinFromNB on Feb 10, 2006 8:34 AM EST reply actions
It’s John Blutarsky. Tut otherwise, spot on as usual. We can only pray for the meeting of UConn and Appalachian State in the first round of an NCAA tournament somewhere.
by Oren Incandenza on Feb 10, 2006 9:19 AM EST reply actions
hey, you, uhh, wanna hear me play some Dave… i know this rad version of “satallite.”
by adam on Feb 10, 2006 9:28 AM EST reply actions
Is that the love child of …http://www.estebanmusic.com/bio.html?
by Boddagetta on Feb 10, 2006 11:20 AM EST reply actions
The only way this promo could have been any worse is if they found the annoying Encyclopedia Brittanica kid from the 80’s commercials and follow the format of those horribly bad commercials.
by W. Adams on Feb 10, 2006 11:40 AM EST reply actions
That kid, btw, has a nasty blog covering the porn industry. We’ve seen pictures of him up to his eyeballs in woman-pelt—that’s life throwing you a curveball.
by Orson Swindle on Feb 10, 2006 11:42 AM EST reply actions
For what it’s worth, everyone associated with the school- students and alumni- hate the ad. It’s awful.
It got booed at football and basketball games. It was so ugly that for some televised UConn games, they actually replaced it with last year’s ads.
The poor schmuck is a UConn student, too. There were 4 large Facebook hate groups about the ad started in a 72-hour span upon it’s release.
by Zack on Feb 10, 2006 12:24 PM EST reply actions
Is it really worse than Appalachian State? They’re HOT HOT HOT!
by Greg on Feb 10, 2006 12:51 PM EST reply actions
I went to UConn and after I kill that little bastard I’m killing myself.
Every line in the review is true especiallly “The mugging, smug, self-satisified array of looks Six-Stringy Fucktardo gives the camera is enough to make us want to drive to UConn and beat anyone bearing the slightest resemblance to a quivering, blood-sopped pile of mush and flannel.”
Then drive to Washington and beat me up just for being an alumni of an institution that would allow this Brokeback Moron to represent us.
by dave on Feb 10, 2006 12:52 PM EST reply actions
Greg, ASU’s ad was lovably bad, and technically not a tv spot made for everyone to see. This one was done on purpose for general consumption, and isn’t close to lovably bad.
by Orson Swindle on Feb 10, 2006 12:55 PM EST reply actions
We’re sure he’d play a Jack Johnson song for you, or maybe a Maroon 5 song or two.
by Orson Swindle on Feb 10, 2006 12:56 PM EST reply actions
Dear lord…
“Weve seen pictures of him up to his eyeballs in woman-pelt”
The worst and best line of the tread all in one.
by UM Dave on Feb 10, 2006 4:52 PM EST reply actions
Im a UCONN alum and love the university. However, each time I see that ad I want to poke my eyes out and jump out of my 2nd story window in hopes of breaking my neck and dying so I never have to see it again. Truly the worst commercial ever made. They really need to go back to the one starring Emeka Okafor they ran last year.
by Jay on Feb 10, 2006 5:35 PM EST reply actions
If I didn’t know any better, I would have thought the end was turning into a Mentos commercial.
Good work.
by Joey T on Feb 10, 2006 7:35 PM EST reply actions
“I went to UConn and after I kill that little bastard Im killing myself.”
ROTFLOL!!!
As a former student, a part of me dies every time I experience that ad. I don’t know what’s worse: the spot itself or the arrogance of the UConn marketing dimwits who still show the ad despite the outcry.
When the angry mob forms in Storrs, I want two flaming torches, not one.
by Blinking 12:00 on Feb 10, 2006 8:33 PM EST reply actions
I feel a lot better about myself for NOT being a UCONN alum right now. Better luck next year, folks!
by Shawn on Feb 11, 2006 2:24 AM EST reply actions
“Uconn has a football team?”
My thoughts exactly! lol
by Ron Zook on Feb 11, 2006 9:38 PM EST reply actions
That tv spot indeed sucked beyond explanation. But that got me thinking about our not-so-great commercial, “go gators”. Is it just me or does anyone else feel a little uneasy everytime UF’s spot comes on while im watching a game with some rival-school friends. Go Gators, go cure cancer, go write the next great american novel, etc.; what the hell is that! Its not like we coined the phrase “GO _!”. Everytime i watch our tv spot i hate it a little more.
by diehardUF on Feb 11, 2006 9:46 PM EST reply actions
Elliot Back can lick my balls! Cornell faggot
by elliotsucksoffdudes on Feb 11, 2006 11:19 PM EST reply actions
“Uconn has a football team?”
Exactly my thoughts! lol
by Sook Mehoff on Feb 11, 2006 11:21 PM EST reply actions
za goggles! Ze du nuzing!
by Dick "the one-eyed monster" Johnson on Feb 13, 2006 2:41 PM EST reply actions
The commercial was very embarassing to our university so my friends and I decided to make fun of this commercial by REMAKING it. If you want to see the controversial remake spoof of this video, instant message IronMan6886, and he can send you a copy
by joey d on Feb 16, 2006 9:04 PM EST reply actions
Can anyone post a tab to the song the kid plays in the commercial…I’d sure like to learn some “white blues” like that.
by Greg G on Feb 26, 2006 9:31 PM EST reply actions
The dude in the video is a pretty chill guy in real life. His name is mike and has a band. Recently they performed at uconn’s battle of the bands. The footage presented at the following site is ©UCTV (University of Connecticut Television)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=i4tqWJ58Zkg
Enjoy
by PC on Mar 23, 2006 7:45 PM EST reply actions
I’m a student at UConn, and all I can say is that this commercial was NOT well received by the student body. Several hate groups popped up on facebook, people were discussing how bad it was all the time, and it was torn apart numerous times in the campus newspaper. I unfortunately know the kid that was in the commercial through a friend of mine, and I’m pretty ashamed.
Yes, we have a football team, but, eh, they’re nowhere near as recognized as the basketball teams are. But anyway, just know that the actual UConn students are about as embarrassed as you guys are. We all contemplated killing ourselves after seeing the commercial. Bad move UConn… bad move.
by Cloudedreverie on May 21, 2006 2:30 PM EDT reply actions
Watch the interview; you’ll hate him even more. He’s going hard for the Scott Stapp look.
by Young D on Jul 25, 2006 6:35 PM EDT reply actions
The best thing that happened with this commercial that I experienced was when they played it on the big screen at a UConn football game last year, and the entire student section, and recent alumni scattered in the stands began to BOO incessantly…
by Alan DeNuzzio on Oct 29, 2006 11:36 PM EST reply actions
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