COACHES DEATH MATCH, ROUND ONE: JABBA THE HAWK IN THREE.

We have some thinking-ass readers out there...deftly weighing (and that is the correct word) the pros and cons of each fighter's attributes, our readers have decided by a vote of 20-15 or so that the victor in the epic battle of wills between Mark "Manwich" Mangino, a.k.a Jabba the Hawk, and Ralph "Fry Daddy" Friedgen goes to...Mark Mangino, whose spherical body and absolute immobility subdues the tenacious but gimpy Friedgen in three rounds. There were many versions of how it went down, but most centered on Friedgen's bad hip, which would bring him down to the level of an overweight giraffe fighting on one leg against a enormous boll weevil of a man.

We imagine the fight went something like this.

Reader Dave has a compelling summary:

This ends the only way it can - with poor Ralph fighting a noble battle, but ultimately succumbing to Mangino’s enormity. When he is crushed and absorbed into the many, many folds of Mangino, only the mangled Motorola headset and whistle ejected from the creases of fat will serve as a reminder that Friedgen was ever there at all.

Philly Gator also presents his case well, particularly a summary of Friedgen's likely final, desperate moves:

In a last ditch effort at durvival, Fridge distends his jaw, much like a Burmese Python, and takes a vicious bite at Mangino’s whirring girth. To the dismay of Maryland fans the world over, Fridge is too late and is blindsided by Mangino’s left love handle. Fridge’s body immediately explodes like a stuffed jalepeno popper covering the crowd in a pool of nacho cheese and sour cream.

Poor Ralph doesn't make it out of the first round, and his body is donated to science, which instantly identifies it as a new planet and names it "X532-Alpha." Mangino lives on, but dear reader, remember: fighting at these weights takes a toll on the participants, and with the steady IV of liquified ziti and mozzarella Mangino undoubtedly required following the fight, his circulatory system is a virtual replica of the Houston freeway system at rush hour right now. Dangerous times for thin arteries in that neighborhood, for sure.