COACHES’ DEATH MATCH: AMSTUTZ VS. FULMER
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN…the second match on the card for THE BURGER KING MEATNORMOUS™ HEAVYWEIGHT DIVISION (sponsored in part by Crestor: “You don’t really want to die, do you, you miserable little piglet?”™)…we kindly ask the crew to please come in the ring and clean the greasy remnants of Coach Friedgen from the ring please, and would ask Mark Mangino to please move and bring back the sun…thank you, thank you sir. Yes, again…LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, without further delay we bring you our next two components in the “Goddamn, bust out a wall for their ass-” Meatnormous division…two dessert bar villains of unparalleled skill and tenacity, both hometown heroes fighting without injury at peak form. A matchup between two men so big, the number two is really stretched to the limits of its meaning: Phil “Gojira!” Fulmer and Tom “Hot Pockets” Amstutz!!!
Phil Fulmer
May spray frosting from his eyes, versus…
Height: 6?2″
Weight: 260-280 pounds, depending on lunch.
Hometown: Winchester, TN
Fighting style: Judo/Jiu-jitsu. Lots of throws, joint locks, and submission fighting technique here. Has been known to conceal frosting gun to blind opponents in the folds of his gi, or may possibly possess the power to excrete frosting. More on that later…
Strengths: A patient fighter who’ll often run opponents deep into the cards to get the position he wants, Fulmer’s greatest strength is his low center of gravity and long, simian arms. Won a notorious death match with Brad Scott of South Carolina by first blinding him with a squirt of frosting and then crushing him to the ground in a single, overhand blow stolen straight from the Ray Jackson playbook in Bloodsport. Officials searched Fulmer’s whole body for the gun but found nothing, leaving many to suspect Fulmer of actually being able to shoot frosting from his tear ducts, a claim which has yet to be substantiated.
Weaknesses: Slow, and cannot keep up against a quick striker determined to win big and win early. Lost matches to smaller, faster opponent Spurrier early in career for this reason. Can be outsmarted. Decline as a fighter attributed to partnership with trainer/coach Randy Sanders, who turned Fulmer into a largely punchless fighter, a problem Fulmer alleviated by devouring Sanders earlier this year.
In-ring oufit: Black gi with orange belt. (Hey, don’t say we didn’t give him a cool outfit.)
Tom “Hot Pockets” Amstutz.
…the bouncing man from Toledo. Ba na na way, ba na na way, ba na…
Height: 5′10″
Weight: A couple of Samoans in a Toyota minibus or so.
Fighting style: Capoeira
Strengths: A little known fact: Amstutz, a veteran of the man versus bear fight circuits of Northern Ohio, is a master of the Afro-Brazilian fighting/dancing form of Capoeira, which disguises lethal, leaping moves in the guise of funky dance moves. Typically incapacitates unwitting opponents into gales of laughter before crushing the back of their heads in with improbable heel strikes or crippling them with leg sweeps. A shockingly gymnastic fighter who, after three rounds, collapses to the ground in a spent heap, but not usually before leaving his opponent maimed and laughing on the floor of the ring. A superb blocker. Lightining reflexes.
Weaknesses: The intensity of his capoeira style leaves him a heaving, spent mass after four rounds. His losses have all come late, and usually come from Amstutz throwing in the towel himself shortly before collapsing to the ground from fatigue. Probably as a result of his experience dueling bears in his early career, seems to have difficulty with hairless fighters.
Believe it or not: Amstutz does capoeira.
In-ring outfit: flowy, loose-legged green pants with blue piping in the colors of Brazil. No shirt. Try sleeping now, eh?
Leave your votes and comments below. In the words of MXC: Git EET on!
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1
Comanda says:
Fulmer takes out Amstutz because Amstutz is spending so much damn time trying to catch his breath after “dance-fighting.” Doesn’t Dr. 90210 practice capoeira? Yes, indeed, he does. Fulmer by a bus load.
January 26th, 2006 at 1:10 pm
2
rebel84 says:
Here’s my take. Fulmer comes out strong early wearing Amstutz down with body blows. Fulmer finds out early that he is incapable of keeping Amstutz in any of his submission moves due to the amount of grease coming out of the pores in Amstutz’s skin.
In the second round, Fulmer extends his lead over Amstutz further with more body and head blows. Then, inexplicably, Fulmer goes into his tactical “sitting on a lead” maneuver. He has been known to use this maneuver often which many times leads to the blowing of the aforementioned lead.
Fulmer maintains his edge over Amstutz through most of the third round until he looks into the stands and sees none other than Steve Spurrier himself, who has decided to take in the match. Upon seeing Spurrier, Fulmer realizes he simply can’t win while Spurrier is in the building and lets his guard down. Taking advantage of this, Amstutz moves in for the kill pulling out a knife that he had stashed in his fat rolls. He then proceeds to carve 2 eyes, a nose, and a toothy grin into Fulmer’s stomach. After doing this, he pops Fulmer’s head off revealing that Fulmer’s insides are nothing more than pumpkin seeds and a small votive candle, thus proving to everyone what had always been suspected, Fulmer is actually a pumpkin. The referee is then forced to disqualifiy Fulmer for being a plant, granting Amstutz the victory by TKO.
January 26th, 2006 at 1:20 pm
3
Doug says:
After getting bloodied by Vanderbilt’s Bobby “Wild and Crazy Guy” Johnson a couple months ago, Fulmer is a broken man. After a few half-hearted frosting squirts fly wide of the mark, Fulmer, like his team, gives up goes in the tank, allowing Amstutz to land capoeira blows at will. In the third round, Fulmer declares “no mas” and heads for the fried-dough buffet.
January 26th, 2006 at 1:24 pm
4
DevilGrad says:
‘Stutz wins, displaying surprising stamina for a guy who has a lifetime pass at Tony Packo’s, and Carty Finkbeiner’s “Get Fit, Toledo!” campaign is vindicated.
January 26th, 2006 at 1:27 pm
5
bitterhorn says:
The Stutz Bearcat in an amazing 4th round comeback! FB does fine for 3 rounds until he stops listening to his ring corner and begins calling his own fighting moves. It all goes into the crapper from there. And it takes more than Fat Bastard’s ability to shoot frosting from various orificium to put Mr. Get Fit Toledo on the mat and keep him there. Besides, not only is Spurrier in the stands, he’s waving Krispy Kremes and a rack of ribs around on a stick. Clearly FB’s heart can’t be in the fight if his achingly empty stomach is elsewhere.
January 26th, 2006 at 2:09 pm
6
PSUrob says:
Entering the ring as a heavy favorite, Fulmer tries to sweet talk Tom “The Stud” Amstutz. But Amstutz is obviously prepared, grabbing a goofy Fulmer by the ankle, and throwing a shoulder into his gut, dislodging several dozen undigested twinkies. The sugar quickly enters Fulmer’s bloodstream, causing near instant death by twinkie.
Standing on the rocky top that is Fulmer’s man-breasts, another overated Volunteer lies dead.
Amstutz in 90 seconds.
January 26th, 2006 at 2:21 pm
7
axeme says:
Over in a stunning 5 seconds as ‘Stutz charges wildly and belly-butts Fulmer over the ropes.
Yes. Belly-butts.
January 26th, 2006 at 3:15 pm
8
Philly Gator says:
As the referee makes ring introductions, he glances over at Fulmer and notices the coach vigoursously winking at him with his beady eyes.
Slightly put off by this rather inappropriate gesture, the referee turns his attention to Amstutz, who happens to be in mid-swallow of a pint of drawn butter.
Before Amstutz can warn the referee, a deluge of frosting shoots from Fulmer’s left eye, covering the referee from head to toe. The frosting instantly coagulates, creating an air tight (to keep the juices in), vanilla-flavored sarcophagus in which the referees body will marinate until dinner later that evening.
Fulmer immediately turns his attention to Amstutz and delivers an equally lethal and accurate shot of frosting to Amstutz face. Fulmer watches as the frosting hardens and takes a moment to gloat… and eat a small child who wanders too close to ringside.
Amstutz struggles with the frosted mask that has engulfed his skull and realizes that time is running out. After calming his nerves and bringing his heart rate back down to its normal 368 bpm, he uses his buffalo like tongue to break through the frosted casing. He quickly devours the tasty shards that litter the mat. He then launches into the dance, that is Capoeira.
Sensing a commotion, Fulmer takes the next 15 seconds to rotate his gelatinous body 180 degrees. It should be noted that this time is a personal best.
Although strangely aroused by Amstutz’s native dance of death, Fulmer begins pumping his eyes trying to stir up a fresh batch of frosting.
However, having depleted his initial load in the opening seconds of the round, Fulmer is unable to generate a second barrage of frosting.
Amstutz uses his gyrating hips to keep Fulmer entranced as he readies to deliver his own onslaught of high caloric body ooze.
Fully content to let the strange feeling in his loins grow into an eventual crescendo, sure to bring about more frosting, Fulmer is oblivious to the fact that Amstutz has grasped both his breasts in his pancake sized hands and taken aim.
All of a sudden, streams of Bulls Eye BBQ sauce shoot from Amstutz breasts covering Fulmer in a sticky glaze. Before he can slurp off all the sauce (approximately .6 seconds), Amstutz moves in and devours both of Fulmers’ ankles, and a knee cap for good measure.
Unable to move, the judges are forced to call the fight. Fulmer considers it a draw, on account of all the free BBQ sauce he was able to enjoy.
January 26th, 2006 at 3:15 pm
9
E G G says:
I reiterate the theory that Fulmer loses the match as the ref is blinded by the mounds of meat in the ring, while Johnny Majors sneaks down from the stands, and smashes a bottle of Jim Beam on Fulmer’s face. The bottle still had half a shot’s worth left in it, so Majors proceeds to suck Fulmer’s face off, killing him. Amstutz begins a large fire to roast the remaining slabs of juicy juicy Krispy Kreme flavored flab.
January 26th, 2006 at 3:48 pm
10
Kenny says:
Amstutz comes out flailing, but Fulmer’s strategy is to deflect and dance, letting the flyin’ Rocket tire himself down. Frustrated by the failing strategy Fulmer moves in, but can’t grapple the Toledo terror. Fulmer’s arms, you see, aren’t long enough to get a grip on the great girthiness.
Those years as a lineman and ingrained technique to keep it all in — arms, doughnuts, lower intestines, etc. — make this desperation move useless.
Out of options, Fulmer shoots the frosting. Amstutz opens his gigantic maw, inhaling the sucrose goodness, but a little somehow bounces into his eyes. This serves as a momentary distraction, but all that Fulmer needs. For it is here that he signals to the back, where he calls for some thuggish “Volunteers” to perform a run-in.
Bama fans in the audience, still embittered over their troubled past with the UTK, rush in and help even things for Amstutz.
The real winners are the rest of us, for witnessing the decline by attrition of two annoying groups of college football groups. But if it goes to the scoring judges, it all comes down to a matter of what day of the week. If its a Saturday contest, Fulmer takes the victory. Amstutz bathes in the cheers if this match is held on Wednesday nights. He knows a lot about competition there.
January 26th, 2006 at 4:24 pm
11
Rome says:
I would love to see Fat Phil Fullmer fall in this one but I don’t think it is going to happen. Phil, for all of his faults,, has a roster that is littered with potential and ex-convicts. Quite the training staff that he has at his disposal. I would not expect Fat Phil to be out running 2 miles a day, but I would expect his staff to teach him the finer arts of hiding a set of brass knuckles in one of his fat rolls, or even stashing a lead pipe in his trucks.
Phil will fight dirty, and I think he will pull out all the stops. Amstutz should get some licks in. The kind of licks where Amstutz looks at Fullmer like he is a huge turkey leg and then procedes to bite Fullmer in his portly midsection.
But in the end Fullmer will use some kind of illegal weapon to bring down the beast that is Amstutz.
If Fullmer enters the ring on a full tank of mayo, ice cream, and processed cheese, I see him leaving this fight with at least half a tank.
Fullmer early in the second round knocks out Amstutz with an illegal pair of brass knuckles. Amazingly the ref never sees it happen.
January 26th, 2006 at 4:28 pm
12
KILL-EM-ALL says:
The ring sound for the first round as Amstutz dances circles around Fulmer who just stares at him with a look of disdain. Amstutz hits Fulmer with several slaps to the belly. After several loud slaps which frighten several cats outside in the alley, the bell rings and round 1 ends.
Round 2 start and before Amstutz can get off his chair, Fulmer whips his arms around in a mad whirl of flab and froth. Soon, his whole body is covered by a coat of glaze. Amstutz senses the danger and tries to end it quickly with a twirling pirouette to the back of the head. His foot STICKS to Fulmer who starts laughing maniacally. Fulmer tries hitting him Amstutz in the face with his left arm flap but Amstutz is succesful in blocking all attempts. Fulmer gets enrages and starts frothing at the mouth. A couple of Krispy Kreme employees fall out of his cheek and run away with a look of horror and covered in nachos and doughnut glaze. Soon Fulmer is spent and Amstutz takes advantage. He licks Fulmer clean and pries himself off Flumer. He then dances around Fulmer “American Dream” Dusty Rhodes-style and hits him repeatedly with the Bionic Elbow. Fulmer crashes to the canvas and sticks. Amstutz walks over to Fulmer and kicks him several times in the head to end the match. Fulmer’s head implodes like a warm, mushy canoli.
January 26th, 2006 at 4:45 pm
13
LSUFan says:
I’ve got to go with Amstutz here. Sure Fullmer’s got that cool frosting thing going for him, but that would only serve as some sort of homo-erotic apetizer for a man the size of Amstutz.
In my mind, I see a rather agile (for this weight class)Amstutz using his Capoeira skills to amaze and confuse Phil. I see him landing blow after blow until Phil quits early in the third round.
After the disgrace, Fullmer pens an apology to Volunteer fans everywhere and promises to be far more competitive in ‘07.
January 26th, 2006 at 5:10 pm
14
Brian says:
Amstutz in a landslide. His shiny melon head causes Fulmer to necessarily squint, thus leaving his eye frosting a mute point. Capitalizing on keen observation of the previous round’s action Amstutz waits til Fulmer starts scraping the now crustified frosting off of his eyes and launches into a “bowling ball” move that breaks fulmer’s legs and rendering him ubable to compete.
Although: I couuld see a situation ala Jurassic park where the Newman character (Anstutz) gets squirted with frosting by the baby dino. (Fulmer) Probability: 3%
January 26th, 2006 at 9:29 pm
15
rob says:
I say it’s an epic two hour battle, with Fulmer ending up victorious. Over the entire buffet bar at a Buddy’s Bar B Q on Kingston Pike. Fight? Fulmer probably wins that too.
January 27th, 2006 at 1:05 am
16
tzubear says:
Fulmer stares transfixed as Amztutz ‘dances’ toward him in shirtless splendor. The jiggling mass of flesh entering his eyes causes a shutdown in Fulmers brain. For 17 FULL secounds Amztutz peforms an aerial display 110lb thai film stars would be envious of, before exhausting himself. Only then does he see Fulmer, still in his corner, comatose. Weezing heavily Amztutz makes his way accross the ring and with one final burst snaps Fulmers neck. Years later patrons in the first few rows still argue if Amztutz grimmiced (from exhasution) or smiled as the telltale spinal snap wafted through the air.
Winner- Amztutz!
January 27th, 2006 at 2:10 am
17
brain says:
I could go into a long drawn out story about Amztutz’s (aggressive) sonic whisle blast blowing up Fulmer’s (passive) wait and see then blame it on someone else fighting style. But I won’t. I could talk about Fulmer losing and then blaming Jonnie Majors for not teaching him how to deal with this. I will also not talk about the EDSBS crew paid Amztutz to fight while he and only he was virtous enough to get into this thing for nothing. But I won’t….
January 27th, 2006 at 12:25 pm
18
eastisbest says:
Amstutz eats him.
Win Stutz
January 28th, 2006 at 12:33 am
19
Shane MacGowan's Teeth says:
Amstutz
One word: conditioning
January 28th, 2006 at 2:35 pm
20
Dan says:
AMSTUTZ IN A LANDSLIDE. LITERALLY. TOMMY TERRIFIC HAS SPENT TOO MANY DAYS TRAINING AT THE LOCAL DUNKIN’ DONUTS TO LET THIS OPPORTUNITY SLIP BY!!
January 30th, 2006 at 2:45 pm
21
DirtyDean says:
I love Amstutz in this battle. I have it on good authority that his own players refer to him as “Jabba the ‘Stutz” … how can he lose?
February 2nd, 2006 at 3:24 pm
22
EDSBS » COACHES’ DEATH MATCH RESULT: AMSTUTZ VS. FULMER says:
[...] A shocker!!! In the titanic battle between Tom “Bailamos” Amstutz and Phil “The Batterer” Fulmer, it’s Fulmer who eats tasty mat as Amstutz bobbing capoeira skillz overcome the fatigued, out-of-condition Tennessee head coach. Most of our expert analysts agreed that Amstutz’s superior conditioning and bobbing, leaping fighting style played a key role, and that Fulmer’s vaunted ability to shoot frosting from his eyes would play little or no part in the match. Reader LSUFan argues: I’ve got to go with Amstutz here. Sure Fullmer’s got that cool frosting thing going for him, but that would only serve as some sort of homo-erotic apetizer for a man the size of Amstutz. [...]
February 6th, 2006 at 10:11 am