When someone whips your ass into a red hot pile of shame, you tend to have a great amount of respect for them. Tyrone Prothro nearly did that by himself in the Florida/Alabama game last year before a questionable call by Mike Shula and a lightning bolt of horrid luck culminated in him breaking his leg into a useless mess. We respect the hell out of him, which makes the fact that he’s unlikely to play at all in 2006 nothing less than a total fucking shame.
On the bright side, the Gator D might hold him under a hundred yards in the matchup in the Swamp this fall. But don’t underestimate him…
Get this man a redshirt STAT!
Uber-recruit Rusty Cocklord pulls a theatrical recruiting stunt for the ages, and the House Rock Built is all over it.
Cocklord shortly before pulling a dick move switheroo.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN…the second match on the card for THE BURGER KING MEATNORMOUS™ HEAVYWEIGHT DIVISION (sponsored in part by Crestor: “You don’t really want to die, do you, you miserable little piglet?”™)…we kindly ask the crew to please come in the ring and clean the greasy remnants of Coach Friedgen from the ring please, and would ask Mark Mangino to please move and bring back the sun…thank you, thank you sir. Yes, again…LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, without further delay we bring you our next two components in the “Goddamn, bust out a wall for their ass-” Meatnormous division…two dessert bar villains of unparalleled skill and tenacity, both hometown heroes fighting without injury at peak form. A matchup between two men so big, the number two is really stretched to the limits of its meaning: Phil “Gojira!” Fulmer and Tom “Hot Pockets” Amstutz!!!
Phil Fulmer
May spray frosting from his eyes, versus…
Height: 6?2″
Weight: 260-280 pounds, depending on lunch.
Hometown: Winchester, TN
Fighting style: Judo/Jiu-jitsu. Lots of throws, joint locks, and submission fighting technique here. Has been known to conceal frosting gun to blind opponents in the folds of his gi, or may possibly possess the power to excrete frosting. More on that later…
(more…)
How do the Orgeron, Urban Meyer, Pete Carroll, and other monster recruiters land HTPs? It’s obvious, says Neal McCready of the Mobile Register: they cheat. All of them. Every time. A wise column on the iniquities and absurdity of the Handshake Wars, especially focusing on the message board mania that’s become an integral part of the hoopla.
We have some thinking-ass readers out there…deftly weighing (and that is the correct word) the pros and cons of each fighter’s attributes, our readers have decided by a vote of 20-15 or so that the victor in the epic battle of wills between Mark “Manwich” Mangino, a.k.a Jabba the Hawk, and Ralph “Fry Daddy” Friedgen goes to…Mark Mangino, whose spherical body and absolute immobility subdues the tenacious but gimpy Friedgen in three rounds. There were many versions of how it went down, but most centered on Friedgen’s bad hip, which would bring him down to the level of an overweight giraffe fighting on one leg against a enormous boll weevil of a man.
We imagine the fight went something like this.
Reader Dave has a compelling summary:
This ends the only way it can - with poor Ralph fighting a noble battle, but ultimately succumbing to Mangino’s enormity. When he is crushed and absorbed into the many, many folds of Mangino, only the mangled Motorola headset and whistle ejected from the creases of fat will serve as a reminder that Friedgen was ever there at all.
Philly Gator also presents his case well, particularly a summary of Friedgen’s likely final, desperate moves:
In a last ditch effort at durvival, Fridge distends his jaw, much like a Burmese Python, and takes a vicious bite at Mangino’s whirring girth. To the dismay of Maryland fans the world over, Fridge is too late and is blindsided by Mangino’s left love handle. Fridge’s body immediately explodes like a stuffed jalepeno popper covering the crowd in a pool of nacho cheese and sour cream.
Poor Ralph doesn’t make it out of the first round, and his body is donated to science, which instantly identifies it as a new planet and names it “X532-Alpha.” Mangino lives on, but dear reader, remember: fighting at these weights takes a toll on the participants, and with the steady IV of liquified ziti and mozzarella Mangino undoubtedly required following the fight, his circulatory system is a virtual replica of the Houston freeway system at rush hour right now. Dangerous times for thin arteries in that neighborhood, for sure.
Lifelong Seminole fan and 4 star cornerback prospect announced that he’ll be wearing orange and blue next season. Afterwards, Patrick Robinson announced that the Florida Gators are much better than Cats.
Urban Meyer knows how to close the deal on recruits. No word if an Escalade is involved in the process.
Mexico believes that Virginia Tech has “over reacted” by giving Marcus the boot following an obvious attempt to injure Elvis Dumervil during the Gator Bowl. According to the elder Mexico, “He didn’t do anything wrong. The world will all know when the truth comes out.” Either Mexico didn’t hear about the whole underage girl thing, the brandishing the fire arm thing, and didn’t see the obviously intentional spiking of Dumervil or he too is a colosal douche. We’re leaning towards the latter.
Ron Mexico seen here mentoring his oft framed little brother.
Georgia’s Mark Richt is quickly becoming a Georgia institution with his consistent success and now his bid for some serious longevity. Richt was given a 500K raise to 2 Million dollars per annum in an 8 year deal.
Golly Gee, I love being the Georgia coach.
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