GLEN MASON POUTS SILENTLY, CLAIMS HEADACHE.

Glen Mason's contract situation sounds all the warning bells of an unending dysfunctional relationship one of your friends is mired in: a tenacious codependency, doe-eyed and unconcealed flirtations outside of the relationship, passive-aggression leaking from every pore, and just when you think the boring, wounded beast of the relationship has breathed its last...it staggers back to health to oppress everyone in your social circle with endless tales of mundane drama and late-night screaming matches.

We guess what we're trying to say is that after months and months of bickering, Glen Mason still hasn't signed his contract extension with the University of Minnesota. The hangup now? "Language changes." Hmm...we imagine...

Clause 8a: The University hereby acknowledges the hard work that Coach Mason, hereto referred to as GLEN, does as head coach of the University. The University also officially acknowledges that it has been an insensitive jerk, unappreciative of Glen's sacrifices, like doing the dishes when the University was asleep on the couch, or Glen giving up his dreams of graduate school and living in Paris to raise a football team, or the time Glen covered for the University on its mother's birthday with a sweet gift card from Amazon after the University forgot and went to play a quick eighteen instead. The University would like to include this diamond pendant and a weekend spa treatment as the start of a long apology. Don't leave, baby, please don't leave, baby.

Someone call Dr. Phil.