TOLEDO, GET SLIM WITH...THIS GUY.

by Orson on Jan 24, 2006 2:22 PM EST

The city of Toledo, Ohio-which isn't even in the top 25 fattest American cities--has decided it needs a "Get Fit, Toledo!" campaign to encourage citizens to shape up and get sexy. (How is Detroit number one? Are the survivors getting fat on the bodies of the victims? Or is everyone just so frightened they refuse to go outside and subsist on a steady diet of order-in cheese steaks?)

Consider a few of the Toledo natives you know and love: which one would be the logical choice for a fitness campaign for the City of Rockets?

A. International superstar/beard Katie Holmes

B. Silky smooth songstress and guaranteed poon tunes maker Anita Baker

C. Professional bastard and member of the EDSBS pantheon, P.J. O'Rourke

D. Tom Amstutz

If you answered anything but D, you're sane--and obviously not fit for office in Toledo, since the generously proportioned Tom Amstutz has been made the spokesman for the "Get Fit, Toledo!" campaign. We could be wrong here, since Toledo might be employing a novel strategy for encouraging its citizens to eat well and exercise, like carrying Amstutz to the office in a sedan chair in a work detail, or perhaps hunting down other Toledoans by knife and bow to offer as sacrifices for the insatiable Rockets coach.

(HT: Devil Grad)

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as an ex-detroiter, i gotta say – no way anita baker should be connected with any other city…and we don’t have much of a thing for cheese steak sandwiches. coney dogs, yeah, but not cheese steak.

you got the ‘bodies of the victims’ part right, though.

by matt on Jan 24, 2006 3:29 PM EST reply actions

I love how the mayor follows up the “Get Fit, Toledo” plan by referring to jobs as the “bread and butter” issue. It seems to me that bread and butter may have caused this problem in the first place

by Evan on Jan 24, 2006 3:34 PM EST reply actions

Virginia Beach, #3 fittest city in America? Did they restrict their survey to the Vick household?

by Ian on Jan 24, 2006 3:40 PM EST reply actions

All that climbing of Mt. Trashmore, we guess. Could be vigorous dancing to the Neptunes, too.

by Orson Swindle on Jan 24, 2006 3:43 PM EST reply actions

“Carty Finkbeiner”? OMG that can’t possibly be the guy’s real name, can it? That explains making Amstutz the Get Fit spokeslard. He should have asked if those were Tom’s real manboobs.

by bitterhorn on Jan 24, 2006 4:59 PM EST reply actions

Latest “fat stats” to be found here:
http://www.mensfitness.com/rankings/358?page=2

by Whohah on Jan 24, 2006 5:04 PM EST reply actions

WOOHOOO! We’re #5! We’re #5! In your FACE, Memphis!

Umm, I’d like to wear Katie Holmes like a hat.

by bitterhorn on Jan 24, 2006 5:23 PM EST reply actions

Perhaps the good folks of Toledo can be encouraged to burn calories through more frequent and intense race rioting…

by Doreblogger on Jan 24, 2006 5:48 PM EST reply actions

Long time reader, first time commenter.

I’m from Toledo and can attest to Carty Finkbeiner being an actual mayor. He was Toledo’s mayor in the 90s and got famous for suggesting moving all of the deaf people out to the cornfields surrounding Toledo Express Airport (so true). Now he’s mayor … again and Lord only knows the shennanigans he has up his sleeve.

by Brian Toledo on Jan 24, 2006 6:23 PM EST reply actions

Apparently Amstutz is going to sponsor the event by allowing Toledoans to support his “journey to fitness.” For this to be anything other than a huge flop, apparently they’re going to kidnap Amstutz a couple of days a week and have him run in a giant hamster wheel suspended over the middle of town, while dominatrices flog him and make him keep up the workout for half a day or so.

I know that sounds racy, but it’s better to scar the children irreparably than allow them to sink into despair when their hero the Amstutz falls off the wagon after a month and a half and gets his half-naked and HoHo-encrusted ass dragged in for loitering, public obscenity, and mayhem.

by skeetskeet on Jan 24, 2006 7:47 PM EST reply actions

Relocating deaf people seems like it should be very low on the list of priorities of any mayor. Does Toledo really have so few problems?

by RowdyRoddyPiper on Jan 24, 2006 9:23 PM EST reply actions

Maybe they just have an assload of deaf people.

by Brian @ mgoblog on Jan 24, 2006 11:55 PM EST reply actions

Orson – Men’s Fitness Online? Nice.

by YMB on Jan 25, 2006 8:31 AM EST reply actions

. . . his half-naked and HoHo-encrusted ass. . . .

Fuck. Two years of therapy for post-traumatic stress disorder — down the drain.

by DevilGrad on Jan 25, 2006 9:33 AM EST reply actions

I’m with Bitterhorn on that whole Katie Holmes thing . . . although I might not have expressed the sentiment quiet as (ahem) colorfully as he did.

What made this piece art, though, was the P.J. O’Rourke reference.

I’m a big fan of P.J.’s work. When I was teaching economics at Meadowcreek High School in Gwinnett County in 1993, I made my students read excerpts from his book “Parliament of Whores.” Ah, good times.

by T. Kyle King on Jan 25, 2006 7:24 PM EST reply actions